Sydney court cites kangaroo for contempt

by Juan Mercado Howard

TPO Sydney bureau

Magistrates in Sydney today granted the motion for continuance filed by plaintiffs in a wild wildlife suit after a kangaroo named Martha hopped into the courtroom and disrupted proceedings.

The marsupial pled innocent of contempt but was released on her own recognizance despite protests by the solicitors Pablo John Garcia, Ruben Carranza Jr., Joel Bontuyan, and Harry Roque, representing the Worldwide Fund for Nature and the Environment (WWF) and Conservation International (CI), that she was a flight risk and prone to jump bail.

Martha came a day early, Carranza, who subpoenaed her as a hostile witness, said. “I don’t want to go back to the outback,” Martha told TPO.

Talk about kangaroo justice, Carranza whispered to reporters on his way out of the courtroom.

Cops release description of Batasan blast suspect

by Mon Tofu

Investigators in Camp Karingal in Quezon City have released this brief description of one suspect in the Batasan bombing last night:

“Tall, dark and lean and said to be wearing the face of one Norberto Gonzales, graveyard security guard at the Metrobank branch across the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA) on East avenue.”

A P5 million reward has been offered by Gonzales’s employer for his speedy arrest and pardon.

House justice body rejects impeach bid under influence of strange substance

In an overwhelming 43-1 vote, the justice committee of the House voted down the impeachment bid filed by Ruel Pulido before noon today, a day after members voted that it was sufficient in shape, color, and taste.

They must have been under the influence of a known substance, Metro Manila police chief Geary Barias told TPO in a psychic interview. “Are you thinking what we’re thinking?” “Yes,” Barias said, adding psychically, “they all tested positive for metamphetamine hydrochloride, except for Rep. San Luis and Pulido, who tested positive for tetrahydrocannabinol. There is no chance of false positives here.”

Ever loyal to her highness, committee chair Mat Defensor, whose constipated shit grew into an ass-licking prodigal son, was seen scratching his ass and farting, Barias said. Asked for material evidence, the police chief only retorted “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

A congressman from Cebu said the complaint not only lacked sheep, it also smelled like a goat.