The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for October, 2007

Dead men talking

Posted by commiedyan on October 31, 2007

by Ai-ai Sy Yu

Time to rise! This was what my editor shouted through the speaker phone when I took his call at six last night. I’m glad I did, for otherwise I would not be able to tell you this story.

I arrived at the scene, near the mall just before Commonwealth springs a tooth on the right to the UP campus, about two minutes before six, to find the area nearly deserted except for an unusual deployment of anti-riot police in full battle gear. I quickly learned they were to block a throng of marchers planning to lay siege to the House of Representatives on Halloween. After a while, an officer with a bullhorn was shouting “Stop!”
Bystanders were confused for they could not see whoever it was he was addressing. I wasn’t, and that was precisely why I got the assignment. I could see. About 3,000 thousand dead men and women, heads bowed, with nothing on, taking half steps until the leaders were toe to toe with the officer with the horn, who looked crazy shouting at no one. “Stop!” he said again. And they did. One of them whispered into the officer’s ear:
What’s the problem? We’re not obstructing anything are we?
You have no permit, and that’s against the law and we will disperse you within the hour, the officer replied.
The standoff was resolved four hours after Speaker Jose de Venecia arrived, having interrupted his holiday just to help untangle the traffic mess which had built up since I arrived.

This is what really happened. The dead, for the first time in our country’s history, had organized themselves to exercise their constitutional right to seek redress of grievances. It seems they had suffered all the injustices (dilapidated cemeteries, unauthorized use of their names in elections, frequent misquotations by the living) in silence. But what broke the silence in the cemeteries was the news that Joseph Estrada had been pardoned and that his civil and political rights (except to be elected) had been restored.

What about us? They asked. In the barangay elections we were accused of being flying voters. We can fly but we are no longer registered, they protested. Yet, what part of the national and local budgets are allocated for us to rest in peace? Nada! And we have not even asked for research funds to help retrieve is from limbo.

I must say that like the living, the dead have their own political biases or predispositions, and even party loyalties. The marchers came from the five most heavily populated cemeteries in Metro Manila. Yet they came together to have their voices heard. To name a few of the organizations with their conflicting advocacies:

  1. fDc or free us from death coalition was the most militant, along with
  2. NSD or never say die; and
  1. RIP self-explanatory
  2. Move.On.Na (extremely moderate)

Yet these four organizations were one in their demands to JdV, who confronted them pale-faced and deadpan. What choices were he really left with at the time? I will not judge him, but it in the spirit of Halloween I will give you this list:

  1. On resources for the dead. He would press for allocation of 0.0001 per cent of budget to clean cemeteries, including installing biodigesters to produce methane for energy;
  2. On bio research, P1 B for bio-engineering in case dead want to be alive again. (safe and morally ambiguous program for pro-life and pro-choice) For living who want to be (mentally) dead, JdV said, he would support their election to Congress).
  3. On political participation, JdV agreed that the dead are the largest constituency that has not had a party list party. He would support this with seed funds and the suggested name Kumpetai.
  4. On the anomalies in the village elections, JdV said he would lead the purging of voters lists by eliminating illegally registered dead voters.

Finally, the Speaker urged the dead to withhold judgment on the living. After all, he said, he and Gloria were still alive. (Shame on you, he whispered to me ,in his usual deniable monotone).

Ai-ai Sy Yu is a certfied paranormal investigative reporter for TPO, but we do not guarantee her reports as we have never met her. But we stand by her account.

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Congress supports Philippine Onion

Posted by commiedyan on October 29, 2007

  1. HB01214 [History]
    AN ACT CREATING THE PHILIPPINE ONION RESEARCH INSTITUTE, PRESCRIBING ITS POWERS, FUNCTIONS AND DUTIES AND PROVIDING FOR THE NECESSARY FUNDS FOR ITS OPERATION
    Principal Author: UMALI, CZARINA D.
    Status: Pending with the Committee on AGRICULTURE & FOOD since 2007-08-06

This self-explanatory entry from the bills index of the Philippine House of Representatives (14th Congress) should squelch all doubts about the intelligence and usefulness of our legislators. We assure our readers that we will organize a well-funded lobby for the refiling and approval of this landmark bill, as garlic, camote, okra, sayote have a headstart.

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The investigation of citizens above suspicion

Posted by commiedyan on October 28, 2007

An undercover team of probers has finally published its report on the Glorietta blast.

They reviewed more than 200 hours of footage from CCTVs and listened to even more voluminous court-authorized wiretaps (post-blast). They interviewed hundreds of witnesses, mostly mall workers. They traced the whereabouts of the unlikely suspects. They interviewed waiters and servers for clues about the suspects’ diets in the past few months:

Re: subject A: In an Italian restaurant in Cubao. Ordered pizza and pasta. Waiters complained about sweet smell after guest left.

Re: subject B: Seen at the fresh produce section of Rustans Katipunan. Broccoli, assorted peppers, saffron, sweet potatos.

Re: subject C: espied at a tiangge eating sinigang sa misu and ten sticks of adidas.

Re: the week prior to blast. The footage showed the suspects entering mall, one by one, going down stairs into basement. Ten minutes each. All left in a huff.

The major finding:

Conspiracy to leave fecal matter and wind in basement . NSA bert gonzales, AFP cos H. Esperon, DILG secretary R. Puno, palace mouth Ignacio Bunye. Mr. and Mrs. Arroyo.

Respectfully submitted for appropriate action.

Sgd. J.L. Trintignant

Team leader

The full report was provided to Senator Trillanes by his moles in the team. That is why he wants a full-scale Senate investigation.

Note: The only audible words in the wiretaps remotely related to the blast from the conversations were: ‘farting is such sweet sorrow’.

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Erap: I was tortured in Tanay

Posted by commiedyan on October 27, 2007

One of the Palace’s horsemen recently revealed that his master (the future ex-president, to be precise) had suffered sleepless nights over the grant of executive clemency to the immediate past ex. In the weeks prior, The Philippine Onion had stealthily obtained a copy of Erap’s diaries, and in the public interest, we now publish excerpts which show his own mental torture, in his own tortured words.

October 19, 2007 1:31 a.m.

To be or not to be, that is a question I would rather not be asked, or asked to explain. Mali yata.

Toby or not Toby. Mani yata yon,

Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary, over many a glass of Petrus…. Kung alam lang nila ang hirap na uminom ng mag-isa.

The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promisory notes to … Yan, eto na ang tama.

2:30 a.m.

As I paced in my living room, left and right, and up and down, I wondered, I asked, ‘Who was responsible for that dastardly act?’ And why are the negotiations for clemency suddenly so urgent? Am I the left or the right? Can I even tell which is right and left? Not to worry. My conscience is as clear as the smoke emanating from the blast. Does the bitch really think she can pin the blame on me and get away with it?

3:01

What if I accept the pardon? Wouldn’t that be finally recognizing the legitimacy of the bitch? Quesas.

3:03

If only the masses knew the loneliness I feel. Or, have I been deluding myself and them throughout all these years? Quesas.

3:05

Jimmy the Flame and Rene the Symbol have told me there is no way I can be acquitted by the Supreme Court. What is expected of me? I have drunk the cup of poison and all it did was to intoxicate me. Do the huddled masses expect me to take up arms against a sea of troubles and drown, or to suffer the pangs and arrows of outrageous fortune, and then be pardoned? That is an existentialist question if I ever saw one. Putang ina! Kung may dios, magpakita na!

I have cried and cried a river and a lake but what have I gotten in return? They didn’t even show up during and after the reading of the verdict. Dios ko po, dios ko po,. bakit nyo ako iniwan?

October 25, 3:00 p.m.

Matino na ang isip ko. Pretty soon, pretty soon, they will see what I refused to see.

Prison is more than a state of mind. And so is poverty.

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