The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

UP physics prof offers Filipino time machine to Rolex in impeachment bid

Posted by commiedyan on November 6, 2007

With hardly any chance the House majority leadership would allow a fortified impeachment bid against GMA, the only ray of hope now appears to be UP professor Joey Magpantay’s prototype Filipino Time Machine (FTM), with which, he assures us, we will never be late again. If talks succeed between Rolex Suplico and Magpantay, Rolex, Adel Tamano, and Harry Roque, with impeachment documents in hand, will be transported back to the Batasan to moments just before Ruel Pulido and Rep. Edgardo San Luis filed the original complaint before the chamber’s secretary general.

But a few delicate technical and financial issues need to be addressed. The strange contraption requires 1 gigawatt of electric power, almost 8% of the total in the entire Luzon grid. There would have to be proper coordination with the Wholesale Elecricity Spot Market (WESM), the National Transmission Company (NTC), National Power Corporation (NPC) and Meralco. Otherwise, the surge in demand as Joey flicks the switch at his backyard in the UP campus would cause voltage instability and even massive brownouts throughout Luzon.

Next hurdle is, who would foot the bill? Joey says it will take about one hour for the intrepid trio be atomized, sucked into the space-time vortex, and reconstituted, amended, and verified, at the targetted place. TPO calculations suggest that with 1 gigawatt for 60 minutes, at the wholesale time of use (TOU) rates of NPC of about P5 per kilowatthour, the electricity bill would amount to at least P5 million. The Black and White movement, we were told, is now passing the hat.

The most difficult problem, however, remains. The space-time pinpoint mechanism is not precise. Any little voltage and frequency perturbations might transport Suplico, Tamano, and Roque to Iloilo, Batac, or Taipei, and if things really get fouled up, back to the time of ex-presidents Diosdado Macapagal or Ferdinand Marcos.

Magpantay waxes optimistic that in due time and with scale economies, he might be able to offer the service to anyone willing to pay P1 million to be transported to better times. “How about if all the rest of our countrymen who can no longer endure the indignities of Arroyo want to time-travel as one?” we asked. “That is possible,” Joey said, but “the copper and coal required to pull that off could trigger a world economic crisis.”

Just before deadline we interviewed Rolex:

TPO: Que hora es segun tu reloj?

Rolex: Lo siento. No tengo reloj.

Advertisements

4 Responses to “UP physics prof offers Filipino time machine to Rolex in impeachment bid”

  1. Dondon Domega said

    Can we transport Rolex Suplico to a time before he lost his scruples extorting appointees before the Commission on Appointments, extorting subjects of his privilege speeches, extorting multinational companies that had the temerity not to buy his father-in-law’s land, then suing his father-in-law for his share of the loot? I admit this could be tricky, as there’s just a tiny window just after birth.

  2. commiedyan said

    Our archives show there were also allegations he was looking for opportunities for his broker wife with the GSIS. We will urge Dr. Magpantay to speed up finetuning of FTM. Thanks for lead.

  3. […] way for Dean BocoboEnergy saving tipsAbalos gave thumbs up to spurious contract before resigningUP physics prof offers Filipino time machine to Rolex in impeachment bid « Crab mentality shuts down Ayala […]

  4. […] motivated to liberate unhappily married couples from hypocrisy and hell. He could direct them to Dr. Joey Magpantay and his Filipino Time Machine. But the cost of erasing marital vows from history is 10 to 20 times that of getting a fake […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: