The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

VP’s baseball caps key to smooth transition in RP leadership–leaked CIA report

Posted by commiedyan on November 10, 2007

by Old Spice

A Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) report, a copy of which was obtained by TPO recently, concluded that vice president Noli de Castro’s baseball caps are crucial for a smooth constitutional transition in the Philippines. TPO reached US ambassador Kristie Kenney for comment and to verify the provenance of the document, titled “Symbols and the impending political implosion in the Philippine: A policy brief.” She had us escorted out of the embassy grounds.

The report’s key finding is based on a survey with corresponding analysis conducted by the Social Weather Stations in late October and commissioned by the intelligence agency. The survey asked a nationwide random sample of 5,000 voting-age Filipinos a series of questions on GMA, de Castro and speaker Jose de Venecia. Only the vice president had a positive net trust rating, 35%, against GMA’s -80% and JdV’s -60%. Only in the Visayas did GMA get a positive net rating (5%).

Additional questions were asked regarding the VP, before and after respondents were shown a photograph of Kabayan in the DZMM booth from where his 8 to 10 Saturday morning program Para sa Bayan with Cheryl Cosim is broadcast. The survey analysis by SWS’s Mahar Mangahas said that the VP’s net trust rating jumped 25% points after respondents were shown his photo without a baseball cap.

The recommendations of the CIA station in Manila apparently took off from conclusions contained in earlier reports:

  1. Threats of a coup from disgruntled AFP officers are real and growing;
  2. JdV would soon breakaway from the administration coalition;
  3. GMA’s grip on the palace is getting shakier by the day.

The report acknowledged de Castro’s ability to connect with the masses as real, citing his interviews with overseas Filipino workers in various unfortunate predicaments and his recent playful taunting of ABS-CBN employees over their sorry compensation packages in light of the network’s astounding profits.

On GMA’s loosening grip over her close Palace aides, the report referred to a department of justice report that two staffers of the presidential management staff were recently fired and charged with malicious mischief for childish pranks on the president. One reportedly taped a “kick me!” sign on her back while the other dropped thumb tacks on her seat before a cabinet meeting. The results of the pranks were not discussed in the report.

Mangahas has not responded to our requests for access to the raw survey data for examination by our resident number crunchers. He has reportedly sought and been granted permission to discuss the findings in the next international convention of public opinion polling organizations to be held at the Ateneo de Manila in Loyola Heights in December.

Meanwhile, political analyst and voodoo economist Alex Magno attacked the CIA report as indicating unwarranted political interference by the US in local politics.

The CIA report also offered a candid assessment of the country’s national security apparatus, dismissing Norberto Gonzales as an even bigger joke than Roilo Golez. In conclusion, the CIA urged the White House to authorize a covert effort to convince Kabayan to get rid of his baseball caps. “If and when GMA is forced to resign, then we can be sure that her replacement would not endager US interests, and will have solid political support,” it said.

One Response to “VP’s baseball caps key to smooth transition in RP leadership–leaked CIA report”

  1. […] This is not the first time administration critics have resorted to childish pranks to vent their frustration. Even the Central Intelligence Agency revealed that some Malacanang staffers had been arrested and dismissed f…. […]

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