The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for November 11th, 2007

Forum: Sex, politics, and the Filipino

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

In this roundtable discussion, frequently asked questions (FAQs-in this case no one would fault you for pronouncing it fuck you) about Filipino sexuality, PTO commissioned Dolly Carvajal to discuss with Margie Holmes and Dr. Aidan No persistent myths about sexuality in the Philippines. The discussion was held in our backyard during lunch break over the weekend.

Dolly: Let me dispense with the easy questions first. Is masturbation immoral? Will you grow hair at the back of your hands? Will you go to hell?

Dr. No: No. Those beliefs were first popularized by Rep. Teddyboy Locsin in the nineties. He has long since clarified that he was only joking and that he was taunted by his granddad. Hell, no. Have you seen his hands?
Dolly: But the Vatican…

Dr. No: No. Just interview the laundrywomen in the Vatican…

Margie: It depends on your perception of hell.

Dr. No: No, Margie, think about this. If young boys and girls thought they’d go to hell by overdoing it, they’d overdo it even more, don’t you think?

Margie: I guess you’re right. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in analysis, politics, religion, science, special reports | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Suplico, Tamano, Roque reported missing

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

The wives of Rolex Suplico and Harry Roque have reported their spouses missing for more than three days. The girlfriends of Adel Tamano, on the other hand, have contacted TPO to inquire about the story we published more than a week ago. TPO is cooperating with the police. From accounts, we’ve learned that the three were supposed to have met with Prof. Joey Magpantay at the McDonalds branch in Philcoa last Friday. Mrs. Magpantay said Joey came home after waiting for an hour at the appointed place.

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Crab mentality slows down Ayala biotech firm to a crawl

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

The losing faction in a long-standing rivalry has temporarily shut down the Ayala-owned and UP-based Bioengineering Applied Science and Technology (UPBeast) over the weekend.

TPO gathered from insider sources that Dr. Ally Ma. Sagun has defected to local anti-GMO activists led by Roberto Verzola, long the bane of the firm located at the Ayala science park in the Diliman campus.

Sagun’s main rival explained that her nemesis just could not accept the fact that the Ayalas had chosen to commercialize her discovery first. This involves the genetic modification of local crabs so that they would mature into crab relleno or stuffed crabs, an expensive delicacy because of the labor-intensity of preparation. Read the rest of this entry »

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Wife dies in scrabble match refereed by Pacquiao

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

General Santos City- A man stabbed his wife dead early Sunday after a heated argument over the spelling of ‘glove’ in a scrabble match refereed by the boxing champ. The wife actually had both ‘b’ and ‘v’ tiles but insisted on using ‘glove’ in deference to their neighbor Manny, who said he had no idea how the words were spelled.

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