The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for November 18th, 2007

Friendster ‘implicated’ in retiree’s slide from Alzheimer’s to total amnesia and dementia

Posted by commiedyan on November 18, 2007

John Smith, an American retiree at the Paradise Regained Retirement Homes in Tagaytay City, Philippines, was suffering from mild forgetfulness. One day, anxious to post a comment in the blog of a high school friend, he was forced to apply for a Friendster account.

His chess buddy Chuck said that on receiving confirmatory e-mail from Friendster, his friend smiled his charming smile. Then suddenly John frowned and shut up. Below is the last line of the  e-mail which triggered John’s dementia and amnesia. Chuck says he might sue Friendster in his friend’s behalf.

  • click on this button to verify that you are really you.

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Analysis: Nationalism is dead and so are you

Posted by commiedyan on November 18, 2007

by Inodoro Nila

First of all, let me say I am honored to be writing a weekly column for The Philippine Onion. I just love my opinions and want to share them through whatever medium. As you know, my doctor has banned spices from my diet. Let me be honest with you. I have hemorrhoids.

Second, let me say that I am the first and only one in the local press to have noticed that the bomb blast in the Batasan was the first attack on Congress ever. I wonder why no one else noticed. What I’m trying to say is this: I’m really bright. I am really bright, even when my thoughts come out of my ass.

During martial law, I was down under chasing kangaroos and doing that added to my resolve to help restore democracy. I may have come late but I did come after February 1986.

If the Senate had confirmed my appointment to Brussels, I would not be inflicting my opinion on you right now. They asked me what the job entailed. So what? I didn’t know at the time. But neither did Tiglao prior to his appointment to Athens. But let me be fair to Gloria. She did offer me diplomatic posts to Cebu City or Tagbilaran City. But what would I have done there? I don’t eat kalamay or tihi-tihi.

Now let me get to the heart of the matter: nationalism is dead. And so are you. That’s because globalization really globalizes us all around. That’s why Stephen Colbert is coming to town. He is a global person, after all.

What I mean to say is this. In the long run, we are all citizens of the world. Would you agree that that is a deep insight? I’m the first and only one to have noticed that.

Again, don’t be envious of my opinions. You’re just not bright enough.

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