The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for November 19th, 2007

Vic Mangosteen is ripe again; we’re going public

Posted by commiedyan on November 19, 2007

Vic Mangosteen, the ex-PDI columnist who was the victim of our calumny recently, is right again. The Philippine Onion will be offering shares to the public, hopefully before the end of the year. By that time, everything old would be new again.
Management has authorized us to release the following information:

  • TPO has hired IPO consultant the zoftig Rhona Tan Nathan, estranged wife of Ron Nathan, that joke/r of a stock analyst for PDI, and cousin of Dante Tan, otherwise referred to by investors who lost their Victoria’s and Vittorio’s secret underwear in the BW scam as Kawa Tan.
  • Management considered a backdoor listing but balked because the basura (garbage) stocks among Ricky Carandangs favorites have been hyped up beyond our means. These are supposed to be, or soon to be engaged in mining, including the first gentleman’s nose, said to be full of stalactites and stalagmites, not to mention anthracite and lignite, major fuels warming the globe. The rumor that’s been going around the local bourse on Matias Defensor‘s prodigal son and Geograce Resources has just been confirmed. The price of GEO has more than tripled in the past 52 weeks.
  • We’ve also been asked to apologize in advance to the lovely but sad Cilette Liboro and the bubbly Martha Vinzons, who might twist their tongues pronouncing the names of the aforementioned in one sentence in their market updates on ANC.
  • Management also hereby apologizes to John Mangun, who was considered for advisorship. But a recent Social Weather Stations (SWS) survey indicated that only exactly 4.01% of investors consider bald or balding analysts credible. So sorry John.

We’ll be releasing a bulletin on the IPO before the end of November. Meanwhile, you can visit the SEC and PSE sites for rumors and gossip.

Posted in business | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Miriam goes gaga again, shoos, calls reporter crazy

Posted by commiedyan on November 19, 2007

“Wait till you get assasinated…and then you can investigate whether it was an assasination or an act of terrorism.”

Thus did Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago dismiss doubts of administration critics over the official police theory that the blast in the Batasan was a plot to assasinate Rep. Akbar of Basilan, punctuating the remark with that big inimitable laugh of hers.

The Philippines has the highest number of amateur detectives per capita in the world, she said, adding that these detectives automatically consider the police prime suspects in sensational crimes.

We sought an interview with her over allegations that during her time as a high-profile immigration commissioner, the rights of suspects were routinely violated. But she said she was on her way to her therapist. We asked if we could watch the session. “Go away! You’re crazy!” she said. Talk about the pot giving the kettle the benefit of the doubt.

Posted in briefly noted, congress, politics, security | Tagged: , , , | 12 Comments »