The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for November 20th, 2007

RP offers technical, financial assistance to World Bank to stem corruption within its ranks

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

Manila—The Philippine government yesterday offered the World Bank wide-ranging technical and financial assistance to stem corruption within the ranks of the multilateral aid agency. This development came on the heels of the suspension of a $232M road maintenance and improvement project allegedly due to an internal row within the WB itself.

Bank officials monitoring the deal could not agree on their shares of the kickbacks, according to Cerge Remonde, chief of the presidential management staff. “Sharing is part of our expertise and culture and we have offered them our assistance so we can finally move on,” he told TPO.

In regard to transparency and accountability, Remonde protested: “If not for executive privilege, our alleged president is even willing to make her diaries public…I’ve seen them you know. She crosses all the P’s and S’s from her husband’s activities.”

“Huh? Corruption? In the Philippines?” public works and highways secretary Hermogenes Ebdane Jr. asked sarcastically. Isn’t that the same institution that kicked out its own president because of ethics violations? Ebdane was referring to Bush crony Paul Wolfowitz, now desperately trying to get a fellowship in Stanford amid protests by faculty and students.

“Let them go after the big fish first,” Ebdane added. “Which country launched an overpriced rocket program just to get the to the moon when Filipino engineers could easily have designed and built a bridge at a tenth of the cost?”

Finance secretary Margarito Teves also recalled April meetings in Washington where he “was briefed about the inquiry then being conducted by the bank’s internal investigations unit, the Department of Institutional Integrity (INT).” At the time, Teves was sending a series of e-mails to TPO complaining how bank officials mistreated him. “Can you imagine? They were having steak and wine while I was chewing on chicken feet and sipping Zesto juice my daddy packed for me?”

On allegations of collusion among bidders. budget secretary Rolando Andaya Jr. said this had been a practice encouraged by the administration to make its loyalists happy. “Why is the WB complaining only now?”

Justice secretary Raul Gonzales told TPO he was considering filing a suit against WB officials for undue vexation, especially if Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago becomes chief of the International Court of Justice. “Otherwise, I’ll let them eat my discarded and sauteed kidneys.”

Meanwhile, Anna Marie Nemenzo, president of the Freedom from Debt Coalition, which celebrates its 20th anniversary tomorrow, said the Philippines should just stop borrowing if it wants to avoid being humiliated by arrogant officials of multilateral lending agencies.

Filomeno Sta. Ana III of Action for Economic Reforms said his group was still trying to secure funds from unnamed foundations for the establishment of a comprehensive mental health improvement program open to government and non-government organizations. “Buang silang tanan bay (they’re all loonies),” he told TPO.

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Sam and Paulo don’t clap their hands

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

And that’s because they’re not happy and they know it. What’s with these guys? The TPO driver and joker says he’s convinced they’re gay and is disgusted they have to make a show about suing Lolit Solit.

Hey guys, wake up! Half of the TPO staff are gay and the other half don’t know what they don’t know. So what’s you’re problem? You have the clap?

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TPO goes to senate disguised as Pravda

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

by Old Spice

We went to the senate to cover two hearings yesterday. One on the national broadband network, and the other on petroleum prices.

The first thing we noticed was security in the compound and inside the building was a joke. We were not frisked, and no one asked for names. But the guard had not heard of The Philippine Onion, so we said we were from Pravda and were waved in. I could have strapped 3 kilos of TNT around my sinewy body but I wasn’t suicidal then.

But I did become homicidal on seeing Senator Mar Roxas and Energy Secretary Angelo Reyes having a dog and pony show about deregulating and re-regulating the oil industry. At some point, I thought, what were these guys smoking? And who has Roxas been dating?

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Sorry, we were right:buy on humor, sell when the joke’s outed

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

Yesterday we said that the price of Geograce Resources had more than tripled in the last 52 weeks. When the price hit ‘resistance’ at P3, the new humor in the past two months was that the prodigal son of Matias Defensor was going to be associated with management. Finally, the news has been officially outed. Yesterday it went as low as P1.76 but settled at P1.82.

We don’t want to rub salt on the wounds of the injured, but the joke really might be on you and the rest of us. After all, the prodigal son, without any qualms about conflict of interest after his failed bid for a senate seat after occupying the environment and natural resources top post,  used to mine the nose of the first gentleman.

So, if you want to recover your losses, start saving for the IPO of TPO.

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