The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Rats ask Manila dads to clarify city zoning

Posted by commiedyan on November 21, 2007

Rats in barangay 734 in Manila have asked the city council to clarify its zoning rules, complaining that people have intruded into their turf in droves in the past few years. We were here first, yet they (people) have the temerity to complain to the press.

Yesterday, ABS-CBN quoted ‘people’ as saying “black rats, some of which are big as small cats, can be seen roaming the streets of Barangay 734 on Osmeña Highway, rummaging through household items and unmindful of residents.”

“Drat,” said Atty Orat, counsel for the Manila rats, “these people must be fornicating like there’s no tomorrow. Haven’t they heard of contraception?”

The rats said while they appreciate the garbage people dump just anywhere, most of these are inedible and some are even toxic. We’ve been forced to attack some humans after they ignored our warnings to leave.

“Mahigit 30 na ang nakakagat ng daga. Kasama na bata at matanda (More than 30 have been bitten by rats, including children and adults),” said village councilman Kathy Arquero in the interview with ABS-CBN.

“Residents said they could no longer count the increasing number of rats living with them in their community. Naku, ang dami, hindi mo na mabilang (There are too many to count),” said a resident. Another resident said they are already immune to the rats.”

ABS-CBN quoted a report by the the World Health Organization that rats already outnumber Filipinos by nine to one.

A check with the Manila city council showed the rats’ petition has yet to be tabled for discussion.

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