The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Repent and prepare…

Posted by commiedyan on November 21, 2007


If the rains don’t stop, I might start heeding the strange voices I’ve been hearing. The neighborhood’s getting flooded, at a time when Manila Water and its contractors are digging up the roads to expand the sewer system.

I don’t understand the way they work. They dig, they leave, and come back weeks later. Reminds me of a labor song which goes “Drill ye tarriers drill…” “Slow men at work,” the signs say.

Anyway, there’s another storm on the horizon. That is to say, it will soon be in the PAR or Philippine Area of Responsibility, as Gretchen Fullido and Caroline Howard would say. I wonder how our weathermen thought that up. Can they really take full responsibility and thus be open to liability suits? (Rep. Tomoy, what say you?)

I’ve been hearing these voices telling me to repent and prepare. Gather paper and wood and your sex toys for soon comeuppance will be upon you. “Onionista, pick a sample each of all species, of all permutations of political persuasion and gender, and guide them into the boat you will build.” “Leftists, fore, portside; Rightists, starboard, aft; gays and lesbians, to the engine room!””The rest, gangplank!”

As you might already know, I’m skeptical of strange voices, especially because they come when I’m cleaning my ears with Johnson’s cotton buds after my monthly bath. But I’m beginning to change my mind. Just the other day, I was listening to radio and Tina Monson Palma was discussing the subject with her authoritative guests.

“It’s another conspiracy. Government agencies (the National Power Corporation, Department of Science and Technology, Department of Agriculture, the Air Force) are seeding clouds to aggravate the storm surges” said one.

“Yes, they want the water to sweep away all the evidence. From the Glorietta blast to the NBN, to the bribery scandal, and to the Batasan bombing, and to the exorbitant gasoline prices.” said another.

I asked my impeachable sources in Malacañang for comment and all they said was that they were building a flying saucer too. One said the money allocated for flood control was missing and that the garbage from the mouth of her boss had clogged the storm drains.

This brings me to an unfalsifiable conclusion: When Luzon is under water, we will no longer need gasoline for our rowboats.

But what if I’m asleep when the deluge and The Rapture come? Will St. Peter let me in? And this brings me to another labor song, the Miner’s Song:

I woke up one morning when the sun didn’t shine, I picked up my shovel and walked to the mine, I load sixteen tons of number nine coal and what do I get? Another day older and deeper in debt. St. Peter don’t you call me ’cause I can’t go… I owe my soul to the company store.

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