The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Fates of Cebu judge, Filipino nation, hang on conundrum: how long is a ‘quickie’?

Posted by commiedyan on November 24, 2007

Most of us know what a split second is: the time lapse from the moment the traffic light turns green and when the asshole behind you honks the horn. But how long is a ‘quickie?’ The answer is crucial not only to a suspended Toledo city judge but to the country’s economic development as well.

Judge Gaudioso Villarin has been suspended by the supreme court for ‘gross ignorance of the law.’ According to a report in the Cebu Daily News, Supreme Court probe team confirms quickie annulments:

“The SC audit team confirmed that Villarin, who is due for retirement in May next year, was approving the marriage annulments with astonishing speed and taking shortcuts that violated court procedures. An annulment case that would normally take one year was approved in 34 days.”

So 34 days is a quickie? Judge Villarin recently read A Brief History of Time to find the answer, but to his disappointment, Stephen Hawking had evaded the issue. He didn’t know that when the physicist wrote the bestseller, his carnal pleasures were completely in the mind.

The question is relevant to hotblooded high school teens who ask: Is the 15-minute afternoon recess long enough? And does the real thing or true love require skipping algebra and history classes as well? Girls can fake an Ω but can boys fake an ε?

The question also bedevils the owner of the shoe-repair chain Mr. Quickie, reeling from damage suits over self-serving definitions. But more importantly, the fate of billions of Filipinos hangs in the balance, if we count the sperm aching for release from limbo through quickies.

But going back to the fate of Judge Villarin, who may have been motivated to liberate unhappily married couples from hypocrisy and a black hole. He could direct them to Dr. Joey Magpantay and his Filipino Time Machine. But the cost of erasing marital vows from history is 10 to 20 times that of getting a fake certification of psychological incapacity.

Philippine jurisprudence requires that unhappily married couples who just want to be just friends again have to fake animosity. But what can we expect from that branch suspected of being a covert agent of the Catholic Church? The supreme court justices (whose spouses are used to fakery) legalized quickie impeachments, didn’t they? But in the case of annulments, they suck their own big toes.

We’ve learned that Judge Villarin has turned to the congressman in his district, praying for a definition by law. We just hope the neophyte legislator acts quickiely.

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3 Responses to “Fates of Cebu judge, Filipino nation, hang on conundrum: how long is a ‘quickie’?”

  1. WillyJ said

    The moment the good judge understands the concept behind such terms as cruel kindness, great depression, deafening silence and jumbo shrimp – he is well on his way in defining the meaning of “quickie trial” hereabouts. The idea is to go slowly quickly. The marriage having been annulled, he should just remarry them together quickly, and thereby start all over again with a more proper annulment proceeding. This time, better make sure it drags on for at least a decent 10 years or so.

  2. commiedyan said

    WillyJ, you must be happily married. Regards to your wives and children.

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