The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Toward a new generation of Filipino heroes

Posted by commiedyan on November 26, 2007

(We warn our dear readers that the foregoing analysis by our resident economist, e-kunomista, is not for the squeamish and fainthearted. It is rated PG35).

The depreciation of the once-mighty dollar is endangering the country’s economic growth, fueled the past few years by remittances from overseas Filipino workers, now fighting a Sisyphean and losing battle against the forces of globalization over which they have no control: the more they sweat, the less the value of their labor.

What is to be done?

The answer is right under, and slightly above our very noses, and even in our gut. We have been contemplating the story of justice secretary Raul Gonzales, who, we have been told by sources in the Makati Medical Center, had a healthy pair of kidneys until these rejected the body of their owner. Fortunately for Mr. Gonzales, one kidney of his loyal driver shared the sentiment of its master.

We do not wish the good secretary ill, for we normally do not make fun of the senile—we say this with all sincerity because we cannot be compelled to take a polygraph test— but we have been told his other internal organs might follow his discarded kidneys, politicized and now making a lot of political noise in that hospital. He has also said that he has just come back from hell, and if there really is a hell, we say, practice makes perfect. But so much for Mr. Gonzales, suffice it to say, we wish him a more speedy recovery.

Filipinos, especially the poor and unemployed, have an excess of internal organs and useless limbs, and if only these could be sold at fair market value, we can be well on our way to a more equitable and sustainable development, using a more visceral interpretation of human capital touted by the World Bank.

Equitable because there is no need for a trickle-down effect, as market development, on the supply side, should start with the third decile in the income distribution. We estimate that the kidneys of these people alone would lead to an immediate 5% reduction in poverty incidence. But, you ask, is that sustainable?

Silly question, for biochemistry teaches us that the lighter the body mass, the lower is the energy required for its sustenance—addressing as well escalating petroleum prices. Secondly, why stop at kidneys? We can proceed with slivers of liver, which have regenerative capabilities. More importantly, we can reduce the digestive tracts, the source of the nasty gastric juices responsible for those embarrassing hunger statistics. There seems to be no scarcity of serendipity here, for we can also encourage the sale of testicles to address the population problem.

But won’t the middle class be left behind? Little imagination is required to see that if they are so minded, they can always sell that part of their brains responsible for political memory, as these have been utterly useless. They can also sell one eye to gain a new perspective. Dare we say more?

What government needs to do is to establish a wholesale spot market for organs and assorted body parts to ensure that demand is always matched by supply. We can call this the Wholesale Human Organs Spot Market (Whorsm) patterned after the Wholesale Electricity Spot Market (Wesm), but catering, on the demand side, to both domestic and world markets.

You’re probably thinking that this dream requires a lot of political will and long-term planning. But hasn’t Gloria Macapagal Arroyo demonstrated her capabilities in this regard? In fact, if she signs on to our vision, we are prepared to withdraw all our objections to her continued rule, unless of course Mar Roxas, who takes over the leadership of the Liberal Party today, comes up with a better idea. And Gloria can always count on Alex Magno to squelch all potential objections from the politically correct with his rigorously masturbatory and non-penetrating analysis. His critics simply lack the bladder for his kind of gall.

Finally, our dream of a New Society is within reach, a society established with a new generation of potentially incontinent but leaner and meaner, one-armed, and harebrained Filipino cyclops and eunuchs.

6 Responses to “Toward a new generation of Filipino heroes”

  1. WillyJ said

    Good, but first we should put a stop to the greedy rich and elite who sell their souls instead. Otherwise, the poor will be reduced to skeletons.

  2. commiedyan said

    We suggest that the bourgeoisie, especially the older ones with troubled marriages, sell one or two eyes instead of their souls to rejuvenate their sex lives. In their case, groping in the dark is better than lighting incense and candles. We hope you see the potential of the above as an equal-opportunity economic development program.

  3. Abloy D'akog Tomoy said

    Is there a small cap market for your organ?

  4. commiedyan said

    We hope so D’akog Tomoy. Otherwise, can you help? Not with the organ, but with the market.

  5. […] Co(co)juangcoWhy gasoline prices might suddenly divePhilip Alston:The blind and pesky AustralianToward a new generation of Filipino heroesaboutVP’s baseball caps key to smooth transition in RP leadership–leaked CIA […]

  6. did you ever wonder why japan who lost ww2 is much better off like standard of living than the Philippines? It has to do with the Philippines as a nation being moraly bankrupt

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