The Philippine Onion

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Archive for November 28th, 2007

Oh yeah baby, what swell (political) parties we have

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Old Spice

The recent return from the dead of Philippine political parties has driven me to a fit of nostalgia, back to my Cole Porter songbook, specifically ‘What a swell party this is.” But sadly, nostalgia just isn’t what it used to be, according to the girlfriend and pen pal of Jean Paul Sartre, in her memoirs.

Mar Roxas has virtually announced his presidential bid in Pia Hontiveros’s Strictly Nonsensical, and Manny Villar has put his money where his future is: the Nacionalista Party. Villar’s claim to fame is his railroading of the Erap impeachment bid way back in 2000, and his tapping into the excess demand of the lower middle class for pigeon holes with Camella and Palmera Homes.

Roxas and Villar are courting the Erap vote. In the politics of addition, Roxas is even open to welcoming back into the fold the constipated Al Atienza, who refused to distribute condoms to his constituents in Manila; and worse, the Defensors, including the prodigal son who was farted out into existence by his dad. Watch out for the supporters of Villar, including the thugs, the brothers Remulla.

We’ve heard that the Lakas and Kampi are soon to merge as SQL (status quo league) but they are in limbo at the moment.

Following closely behind the LP, NP, and SQL is the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan with exactly two and a half members: the charming and compulsively bootlicking Imelda Marcos, and the spitting images of her asses, Oliver Lozano and Ely Pamatong, but I can’t tell you which of the latter is half-cocked. If Imelda manages to seduce Rick Abcede of the PCGG, the KBL will have two and three fourths.
Now for a bit of sexy news: the mother of Roxas asks her son, “Anong K mo if you don’t dump Korina?” She would rather have either Pinky Webb or Ara Mina.

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Posted in analysis, breaking news, entertainment, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Philip Alston:The blind and pesky Australian

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Onionista

What’s wrong with Philip Alston? According to Malacañang chief of staff Eduardo Ermita, he could shed crocodile tears and blood before the UN special rapporteur on human rights and still fail to convince the expert of the country’s sterling record on human rights. The blind can probably see better than Alston, Ermita said in a press briefing in Malacañang yesterday.

The ‘intelligence’ agencies of government, including the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA) under the wing of Norberto Gonzales and the Intelligence Service of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (Isafp-Esperon wing) had linked the recent spate of forced disappearances of left-wing activists to a purge conducted by the Maoist insurgency in the late 80’s and early 90’s, in an apparent bid to harass congressmen sympathetic to the National Democratic Front.

“He should just use his imagination and not question the chronology of events,” Gonzales and Esperon protested to TPO over dinner last night. “What does he want us to do? Admit that the insurgency is a bogey to justify our perks and reason for being?” TPO has learned that Gonzales has a confidential long-term plan to drive the legal Left back to the hills because they cannot be coopted by the idea that political power can grow out of the pork barrel of a gun. Once back in the mountains, they can be more easily bombed into Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, foreign affairs, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

An ear for an ear

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Newly appointed Station 11 commander Superintendent Nelson Yabut was all ears when challenged by Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim to catch the criminal who snatched a pair of “catchy” two-toned gold clip earrings purchased from the Binondo jeweler ‘From ear to eternity’ from a jeepney passenger recently. In his haste, the thief also detached the ears of the woman from Cavite. Lim, who gained notoriety in a previous term for spray painting the homes of suspects with skulls and bones, has reportedly offered a reward to anyone who could deliver the perp’s ears on a silver platter.

Posted in police blather | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Losing our coconuts

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

Mamutong—Cebuano for climbing and harvesting fresh coconuts—from Malaybalay, Bukidnon, has come out with the top 10 reasons for reading The Philippine Onion. As you can see from numbers 7 and 6, he might have lost his coconuts:

7. Because humor has coexisted with politics and religion since Balaam conversed with his ass. (Numbers: 23)

6. You may go to hell if you don’t (for the Catholics and Muslims in the crowd).

Posted in briefly noted | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »