The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Philip Alston:The blind and pesky Australian

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Onionista

What’s wrong with Philip Alston? According to Malacañang chief of staff Eduardo Ermita, he could shed crocodile tears and blood before the UN special rapporteur on human rights and still fail to convince the expert of the country’s sterling record on human rights. The blind can probably see better than Alston, Ermita said in a press briefing in Malacañang yesterday.

The ‘intelligence’ agencies of government, including the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA) under the wing of Norberto Gonzales and the Intelligence Service of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (Isafp-Esperon wing) had linked the recent spate of forced disappearances of left-wing activists to a purge conducted by the Maoist insurgency in the late 80’s and early 90’s, in an apparent bid to harass congressmen sympathetic to the National Democratic Front.

“He should just use his imagination and not question the chronology of events,” Gonzales and Esperon protested to TPO over dinner last night. “What does he want us to do? Admit that the insurgency is a bogey to justify our perks and reason for being?” TPO has learned that Gonzales has a confidential long-term plan to drive the legal Left back to the hills because they cannot be coopted by the idea that political power can grow out of the pork barrel of a gun. Once back in the mountains, they can be more easily bombed into the dustbin of history.

“What else can we do?” Ermita asked during the briefing yesterday. “Alston just does not believe that our human rights activist of a president has stood up to the junta in Burma. Maybe he’s been brainwashed by his former NYU student Ruben Carranza Jr., who pestered me in New York in August.” Or maybe Alston believes all the gossip from Ibarra M. Gutierrez III, director of the UP Institute of Human Rights.

The cases have no leg to stand on and would be thrown out even in a kangaroo court, the Australian was quoted as having said.

Alston can see neither the forest nor the trees (our apologies to William J. Pomeroy), if Ermita is to be believed. Among the key pieces of evidences (sic) that Alston refused to appreciate were photographs of virgin trees with clear etchings of ‘Ka Satur wuz here‘ and ‘So wuz I—ka Bel,’ and ‘Joma just loves torturing those who disagree with MTT thought.’

Esperon confessed that he actually thought of torturing Alston but changed his mind when Commission on Human Rights chair Purificacion Quisumbing intervened. “The wimp would have cried mama and made another big issue out of it,” he said.

One Response to “Philip Alston:The blind and pesky Australian”

  1. […] recent report by UN rapporteur on human rights Philip Alston doubted the government’s sincerity in going after violators. But Arroyo claimed in Madrid […]

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