The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

On human rights, Arroyo’s on a roll with Christmas parole

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Inodoro Nila

Basking in the afterglow of his boss’s human rights award in Madrid, justice secretary Raul Gonzales yesterday said the parole of former lawmaker Romeo Jalosjos on December 16 or 17 was still possible.

Christmas truly is in the air, despite the whining and bitching of Old Spice and Onionista who wax melancholic over the holiday hues and carols of Decembers past. God damned atheist hippie drunkards!

“After we’ve pardoned plunderers and murderers (including priest killers) and given a Christmas parole to a convicted rapist (of an 11-year-old), what more could Philip Alston possibly want? Golden handcuffs?,” Gonzales railed. “I already stopped Esperon from torturing him. Now he probably wants a parachute of gold sterling for his retirement.”

Gonzales himself told me Katrina Legarda should not even bother protesting. Gloria Arroyo will gift him a condom supply good for the rest of his miserable life. “If I were Katrina, I’d take care of my own sex life first.” “What’s more, Romeo has already served 11 years and has pledged not to rape minors anymore.”

“Right now I’m inclined to support the reinstatement of the death penalty, but only for human rights activists who don’t understand the true meaning of Christmas,” Gonzales concluded.

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