George W. writes Kim Jong Il

 

The White House

Office of the President

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The House of Kim Jong Il, The Great Leader, Pyongyang

December 7, 2007

Dear Kim Jong Il,

My dear Kim, hi Jong, hello Il. I really dunno how to coal call you so I hope u you dawn don’t manned. I woodda asked my dog Barney, whose sa lot smarter than me, to do this letter, but he dozen doesn’t know that much English, and he’s spelling’s jazz terrible. I asked him to duda google on you but whaddayou know, you dawn don’t even have a Friendster account.

What you up apt to? I thought we gave you yore money back. And da, and da. you promised to beehive. Now what’s this I hear u you back to yore old tricks. I wuz jazz bout to strike you off my evil axis list, as soon as we found someone else to replace you. Are you friends with the Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines? I hear they might have nukes. Hell I dawn don’t even no where North Korea is ‘cept it must be above South Korea right? Am I smart or not? Anyways, the good book says evil always comes in threes, so you understand. All I know no about the Korean war I learned from that teevee show Mashed. Anyways, were wuz I? Oh yes, you fool me once, I’m a fool, you fool me twice, I’m a fool, You fool me again, I wanna cry and go to my mommy. What’s more, big Dick’ll make fun oh my dick if I don’t nuke you. See what I mean?

Hey Kim, hey Jong, hey Il. Please beehive man cuz cause few do I’ll even invite you to my the White House, even the ranch in Texas were my staff can barbecue you prepare barbecue we can have barbecue. Or perhaps we can go to my dad’s place in Kennebunkport. Took Vlad there you know. Damn idiot wanned me to swim with him, but I tell him water’s called Vlad. But there he went and jumped into the water, like a mammal whale. D’ya no that? Whales are mammals man! Am I smart or not? Then he wanned me to play chess with him and so I tell him I don’t do the chess man. So we played rock paper scissors and you shudda seen the look on his face after I beat bit him bad.

Hey Kim, hey Jong, hello Il. I really wanna be friends with you you know. What’s this I hear you have bad blood with Mahmoud? Might have to delist him too you know. But I remember Rummy the wise: the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. People say Rummy neo-conned me into the Iraq war. I dunno bout that but isn’t the world safer now? Anyways, I don’t like Mahmoud’s face with that dirty beard of his. Your so much neater. Whose you’re barber? Are you married?

Man eye really wanna I ball with you you know. So beehive and and da, and da, we can meet next year. For now, as we say in Texas, goodbye, goodbye apple pie.

Your soon to be friend,

(sgd.) George W.

P.S.

See thru you have a video porn collection? Please dawn don’t bring it few come. The good book says I can’t watch X but R’s okay. Warm regards to your girlfriend. Can you send me her picture? If you want, we can also sit with Laura and read the bible and maybe I can change your mind about the Jews. Their not bad folks like you think. Not at all. And don’t worry about Dick. The trick with Dick is you gotta no when to duck.