The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Drunks have human rights too

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

Some self-proclaimed leaders of ‘civil’ society have recently appointed themselves guardians of the peace as well. This time they are not after pornography, nor litter bugs, nor gun-toting machos, nor geriatric rapists. They’re raising a hue and cry against drunks, specifically the right of drunks to homeward mobility.

Their concern seems valid at first glance. A man was recently convicted for the killing inside a jeepney of a another man who complained the drunk had been making unwanted advances on his wife. Well, we say good riddance to the killer. But now the guardians of the peace are pushing for a law which bars drunks from getting onto public transport to get home.

So what are drunks to do?

  1. Sleep upright inside one of Bayani Fernando’s pink abominations?
  2. Shack up for the night with a GRO? (some of our friends, like Taroogs, might say that would be an expansion of civil liberties, but we reserve comment).
  3. Walk to another bar and drink some more? (All drunks drink moderately, again and some more).

Well, how about simply driving home? While it is illegal in the Philippines to drive without a license, driving without a car is not, which goes to show just how wise our congressmen are. For as long as they have third party liability insurance, why not? And what possible damage can a drunk driving without a car inflict in a collision with a phantom bus being driven by another drunk?

What the aspiring guardians of the peace forget are the political implications of further narrowing the democratic space of drunks. Liquor is already banned 24 hours before and 24 hours after the conduct of an election. May not this be some form of double jeopardy? One drinks before an election in frustration over the choices, and afterwards for having made a choice anyway. The relevant violation in the penal code, after all, is thinking without a brain.

( Marijuana is already banned. What will the guardians of the peace think of next? Ban clean air, which to dopeheads is the next best thing).

Perhaps it’s time for drunks to form their own party-list party. In every facet of their miserable existence, they are more marginalized than they can ever imagine, drunk or sober. So on the eve of human rights day, we urge drunks everywhere and nowhere. Drunks of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your hangover! (But please brothers and sisters, take care of your livers).

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6 Responses to “Drunks have human rights too”

  1. WillyJ said

    Why pick on the drunks? They just doze off peacefully anyway. They should ban holduppers and robbers from public transpo first, but then that would be going against their own kind.
    Bweshet na bohay toh. hic.

    We always drink to your take on things, WillyJOnionista

  2. pablojohn said

    “Perhaps it’s time for drunks to form their own party-list party.”

    They did form a party, Ang Glug-Glug, and they did petition for accreditation. The party was disqualified on the grounds that voting for the party would violate the election day liquor ban.

    Ang Glug-Glug filed a motion for reconsideration, pointing out that the liquor ban, precisely, proves they were not only marginalized but disenfranchised, as well.

    COMELEC denied the motion, dismissing their arguments as arguments that “do not hold water”, from parties who “cannot hold their liquor”. The SC refused to take cognizance of the appeal, reportedly because the old fogies there did not wish to be reminded of “incontinence”.

    There is no truth to the rumor that after their disqualification, they instead asked their nominee to file his candidacy for the congressional seat of the 3rd District of Cebu.

    Thanks for your sober update congressman. When are you going to NY?

  3. pablojohn said

    On the 20th. You have an extremely small package for Ruben?

  4. commiedyan said

    Yes. His mouth is too big for the package.

  5. taroogs said

    what we need is to institutionalize, here in our own country, that venerable american tradition — assigning a “designated driver”… of course, adjustments to the process has to be allowed for certain cultural quirks. limitado sa 10 bottles lang (negotiable – depende sa okasyon) yung mapipili

  6. amen for drunkard rights!

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