The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for December, 2007

A piece of our mind

Posted by commiedyan on December 10, 2007

Here’s a movie review we would have wanted to write ourselves on Lions for Lambs (produced by sheep), a fitting one for International Human Rights Day:

“The title of the movie Lions for Lambs is based on comment by a German General in World War I – he admired the British troops who were dying in the trenches, and held their officers in contempt. The movie tries to honor our troops while condemning the current crop of wars, politicians, and media”.

Posted in foreign affairs, media, security | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Asian lady senator abducted, released in London

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

London (Reuters)—A prominent lady senator from Asia was reported missing at dawn here Saturday but surfaced dazed and half-naked in the lobby of the Britania Intercon in Grosvenor Square around noon today. Sources in the intelligence community said the senator had been under surveillance by agents of MI5 and MI6 and that she was actually arrested inside the British Museum where she suddenly burst into laughter before an exhibit of Egyptian artifacts, terrorizing other visitors. Only the timely and expert intervention of the curator prevented a stampede, according to our source who identified himself as JB. The British Official Secrets Act bars Reuters from publishing her name or nationality. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, foreign affairs, people, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Drunks have human rights too

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

Some self-proclaimed leaders of ‘civil’ society have recently appointed themselves guardians of the peace as well. This time they are not after pornography, nor litter bugs, nor gun-toting machos, nor geriatric rapists. They’re raising a hue and cry against drunks, specifically the right of drunks to homeward mobility.

Their concern seems valid at first glance. A man was recently convicted for the killing inside a jeepney of a another man who complained the drunk had been making unwanted advances on his wife. Well, we say good riddance to the killer. But now the guardians of the peace are pushing for a law which bars drunks from getting onto public transport to get home.

So what are drunks to do?

  1. Sleep upright inside one of Bayani Fernando’s pink abominations?
  2. Shack up for the night with a GRO? (some of our friends, like Taroogs, might say that would be an expansion of civil liberties, but we reserve comment).
  3. Walk to another bar and drink some more? (All drunks drink moderately, again and some more).

Well, how about simply driving home? While it is illegal in the Philippines to drive without a license, driving without a car is not, which goes to show just how wise our congressmen are. For as long as they have third party liability insurance, why not? And what possible damage can a drunk driving without a car inflict in a collision Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

George W. writes Kim Jong Il

Posted by commiedyan on December 8, 2007

 

The White House

Office of the President
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The House of Kim Jong Il, The Great Leader, Pyongyang

December 7, 2007

Dear Kim Jong Il,

My dear Kim, hi Jong, hello Il. I really dunno how to coal call you so I hope u you dawn don’t manned. I woodda asked my dog Barney, whose sa lot smarter than me, to do this letter, but he dozen doesn’t know that much English, and he’s spelling’s jazz terrible. I asked him to duda google on you but whaddayou know, you dawn don’t even have a Friendster account.

What you up apt to? I thought we gave you yore money back. And da, and da. you promised to beehive. Now what’s this I hear u you back to yore old tricks. I wuz jazz bout to strike you off my evil axis list, as soon as we found someone else to replace you. Are you friends with the Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines? I hear they might have nukes. Hell I dawn don’t even no where North Korea is ‘cept it must be above South Korea right? Am I smart or not? Anyways, the good book says evil always comes in threes, so you understand. All I know no about the Korean war I learned from that teevee show Mashed. Anyways, were wuz I? Oh yes, you fool me once, I’m a fool, you fool me twice, I’m a fool, You fool me again, I wanna cry and go to my mommy. What’s more, big Dick’ll make fun oh my dick if I don’t nuke you. See what I mean?

Hey Kim, hey Jong, hey Il. Please beehive man cuz cause few do I’ll even invite you to my the White House, even the ranch in Texas were my staff can barbecue you prepare barbecue we can have barbecue. Or perhaps we can go to my dad’s place in Kennebunkport. Took Vlad there you know. Damn idiot wanned me to swim with him, but I tell him water’s called Vlad. But there he went and jumped into the water, like a mammal whale. D’ya no that? Whales are mammals man! Am I smart or not? Then he wanned me to play chess with him and so I tell him I don’t do the chess man. So we played rock paper scissors Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in foreign affairs, security | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

TPO’s IPO oversubscribed, underpriced—Morgan Stanley

Posted by commiedyan on December 7, 2007

The management has authorized us to release the following information:

  1. Some weeks back we disclosed there was a bloody squabble between our CEO and CFO, each with sizable blocs of equity. Finally the staff managed to kick out the two and we now own the controlling shares.
  2. We also disclosed that management was hiring Rhona Tan, estranged wife of Ron Nathan, cousin of the unlamented Dante Tan. At the time we said we had also wanted to engage the services of John Mangun, if not for the lack of credibility of bald or balding analysts as bored through our thick skulls by Mahar Mangahas of SwS. Since then, Mangun has bought reasonable doubt (at a reasonable price, we hope) as to the location of his hair. Subsequently, we followed the advise of our lawyers to hire Rhona Tan, Ron Nathan, and John Mangun for the offering.
  3. The Pasig River Development Bank, lead underwriter, has disclosed the following deatils of the issue: Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

On human rights, Arroyo’s on a roll with Christmas parole

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Inodoro Nila

Basking in the afterglow of his boss’s human rights award in Madrid, justice secretary Raul Gonzales yesterday said the parole of former lawmaker Romeo Jalosjos on December 16 or 17 was still possible.

Christmas truly is in the air, despite the whining and bitching of Old Spice and Onionista who wax melancholic over the holiday hues and carols of Decembers past. God damned atheist hippie drunkards!

“After we’ve pardoned plunderers and murderers (including priest killers) and given a Christmas parole to a convicted rapist (of an 11-year-old), what more could Philip Alston possibly want? Golden handcuffs?,” Gonzales railed. “I already stopped Esperon Read the rest of this entry »

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Cebollas sin lagrimas: gold tumbles on ‘medalla de oro’ award to Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Henry C. Bollas

London (via ZTE broadband)–World commodity markets were inundated early today with sell orders for spot and futures gold as the news sunk in of alleged Philippine president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo getting the ‘medalla de oro‘ award Tuesday from the Universidad de Alcala in Madrid. The highest civilian award was conferred allegedly for Arroyo’s “defense of human rights, particularly her role in abolishing the death penalty in the Philippines.”

Que calamidad! Arroyo de lagrimas! (Flood of tears!)” a stock trader at the Bovespa in Madrid said. At the Chicago Mercantile Board, an analyst said “gold has lost half its luster forever.” She revealed hedge funds were dumping gold in favor of oil and onions. Oil prices had begun to slide despite the decision of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries to maintain current production levels, probably because of a recent Japanese invention curtailing demand. Oil bets are now off, the lady said. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, business, economics, foreign affairs, politics, religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Faking our way to the First World and beyond

Posted by commiedyan on December 5, 2007

by e-kunomista

As Christmas nears, banks and the Central Bank have been deluged by reports of fake currency in circulation. According to ANC’s Charo Logarta, the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas (BSP) normally receives about P100,000 worth of fake bills from commercial banks each month. But what about the fake bills which have thus far not been detected? No one really knows. Before the congressional elections this year, fake P1000, 500, and 100 bills were reported to have been used to buy votes. But so what?

Detecting counterfeit

According to currency experts at the central bank, there is a simple way to ascertain genuine and legal tender with a cheap magnifying glass. Just look under the name Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, business, economics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Why we spend mornings with ANC

Posted by commiedyan on December 4, 2007

But please Maria Ressa, tell us it’s not true

by Old Spice

Some viewers might wonder how the producers and hosts are able to squeeze so much news, opinion and infotainment in two and a half hours. I wonder too, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying Mornings at ANC.

First of all, the show starts with giggling, and then an enumeration of the headlines and then more giggling, then laughter, then more giggling. That’s the A-Team for us: Ricky Carandang, Marieton Pacheco, TJ Manotoc, and Gretchen Fullido, the giggliest and youngest of the four. We enjoy watching other people enjoy doing what they do best: telling us the sorry state of our nation’s affairs with a giggle. And believe me, the giggling is contagious and our neighbors have been wondering if we’re crazy like Miriam Santiago.

Secondly, the hosts of the show have a magic chemistry. They switch from one to the other to different subjects and giggle. Somehow viewers can’t help imagining the imaginable. Who of the four are ____? Who’s playing footsie with whom? Hey that’s none of our business.

What’s been bothering me are the sudden shifts in balance of the hosts on their Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in entertainment, language, media | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Our disappearing civil liberties, or why some liberties are greater than others, especially if you have been forced to disappear

Posted by commiedyan on December 4, 2007

by Onionista

Speaking with her now legendary candor and sincerity, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo said she was sorry about the sorry plight of reporters who had been cuffed and bussed off to Bicutan for ‘processing.’ “I am sorry,” said she as her nose glowed even with the bright lights in the Malacanang press briefing room. Just a few hours later, around 20 million Filipinos were placed under house arrest in Metro Manila and adjacent regions with what former UP law dean Raul Pangalangan said was an unconstitutional 12-5 a.m. curfew. The streets of the capital were eerier than on Good Fridays in a country dominated by nominally devout Catholics. Only the lord, if there is a lord, knows how many agogo dancers, carnappers, akyat-bahay gangsters, hotblooded teenagers, restless and bored husbands, matronas and their dance attorneys, balut vendors, wanderlustful congressmen had their freedom of movement curtailed, with dire consequences not only for the formal and informal sectors of the economy, but also on the freedom-seeking human spirit.

The ubiquitous checkpoints prompted a variation of the second law of cartoon physics: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until a checkpoint appears, in which case kotong will have to be paid for the body to regain its momentum. If no kotong is paid, the body will disappear until a writ of amparo makes it reappear.

More recently, the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) subpoenaed Maria Ressa of ABS-CBN to investigate the network’s alleged involvement in Oplan Peninsula. The subpoena was served after Malacañang, taking liberties with the word ‘dialogue’ proposed a meeting between the PNP/AFP and the press. Ressa has reportedly sent a conciliatory text message to interior and local government secretary Ronnie Puno: go fuck and talk Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, foreign affairs, Malacañang, media, security, special reports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »