The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for December, 2007

Oplan Peninsula:Rebellion charges to be dropped, civilian captives freed

Posted by commiedyan on December 3, 2007

Rebellion without a clue, rebellion with improbable cause mulled

 

Old Spice with analysis by Inodoro Nila

State prosecutors as of four this morning were considering dropping charges for rebellion and inciting to rebellion filed by the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) against 26 military officers and 24 civilians in connection with the failed Oplan Peninsula. The charges are to be amended to rebellion without a clue for the military and ex-military suspects and rebellion with an improbable cause for the civilians, TPO has learned. But deliberations at the Captain’s Bar at the Manila Pavilion ended without a clear decision, bartenders said.

Journalists ‘invited’ for questioning had earlier been released without charges. The military suspects will also be charged with jaywalking for ignoring green lights in their march from J.P. Rizal to the hotel last Thursday.

The clock run out on the prosecutors 7 a.m. Saturday, according to UP Human Rights Institute executive director Ibarra Gutierrez Jr., and defense lawyers are set to file illegal detention charges against police.

Stung and humiliated by a series of rebuffs by the Supreme Court in related cases in the past two years, state prosecutor Manny Velasco reportedly wants to be more circumspect. He was quoted to be mumbling to himself “If the case is hit and miss, dismiss.” Sources close to the family say he changed after reading the The Prosecution-driven Life by the evangelist Raul Gonzales, whose healthy kidneys recently rebelled against him.

The CIDG is also set to invite Inquirer columnist Patricia Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, breaking news, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Magdalo offer $100 reward for ‘kick me out’ sticker on Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 2, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Responding to the government’s offer of P1 million for information aiding the capture of renegade Capt. Nicanor Faeldon, the underground Magdalo, composed of active and inactive military officers, has offered its own reward: $100 for any overseas Filipino worker who could tack a ‘kick me out sign’ on Gloria Arroyo’s back during her seven-day visit to Europe. In addition, the OFW would also be entitled to $100 worth of mobile phone credits available for global roaming.

The most recent rebel military adventure has drawn mixed reactions in the country and worldwide. Those arrested are still awaiting a decision by the justice department on whether the charges filed by police have probable cause. Faeldon has been charged in absentia.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer quoted Arroyo’s statement before she left last night: “I hereby direct all our government departments and agencies, especially our security and defense forces, to remain vigilant and flush out any remaining threats to national security and public safety in the country, while at the same time restoring among our people a state of normalcy and calm.”

According to Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, the Magdalo reward comes from the Makati Business Club, and the phone credit was pledged by Globe Telecoms, lending credence, she said, to suspicions that the coup plotters are being financed by big business. She also called Oplan Peninsula a “harebrained idea hatched by narcissistic fungus-faced attention-grabbing lollipop-sucking nonbreast-fed amateurs.” We tried but failed to reach MBC executive director Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in briefly noted, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Math lessons for Vic Mangosteen;business lessons from Danding Co(co)juangco

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

eduardo-cojuangco-jr.jpg

by Henry C. Bollas

Here’s the fruity Vic Mangosteen:

“EDUARDO Cojuangco Jr. borrowed P374 million from Cocobank to acquire the EnriqueZobel block in San Miguel Corp. in December 1983. As of yesterday’s market close, that 20 percent block, which paved the way for Cojuangco to eventually control the region’s largest food, beverage and packaging complex, was already worth about P18.8 billion, representing a 50-fold return in 24 years. Stated another way, Cojuangco saw his original investment, even during his exile years following the Marcos ouster, double every year.”

“San Miguel was trading at P22 a share when the hush-hush sale was being negotiated; Zobel, for still unknown reasons, did not seek any premium from Cojuangco for his block, according to the book, Boss Danding, by Earl G. Parreno.”

Hey thanks for the lesson Mangosteen, but your math is wrong and perhaps your politics is even Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, people, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The strange humor of Queena Lee

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

by Old Spice
“Did you hear the joke about the man who was proud when he completed a jigsaw within 30 minutes? After all, it said ‘five to six years’ on the box.”
Self-made man: Where are you from? Harvard graduate: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions. Self-made man: Okay, where are you from, jackass (ass supplied by TPO editors)—?”

We should really refrain from making fun of other people’s jokes (see note below), or of people telling jokes, but those in Queena Lee Chua’s Inquirer column Saturday and the fact she was telling them is really funny. That’s because she wasn’t really joking. In fact, she was discussing the scientific basis of humor. And we find that funny. But you really should read it for yourself.

“Why do these jokes make us laugh (or at least smile)? In his bestselling book “Quirkology,” multiawarded British behavioral psychologist Richard Wiseman says that, many jokes have one thing in common—they make us feel superior. This arises because the person in the joke (like the man with the jigsaw) or a pompous figure (like the Harvard graduate) looks foolish, which by the way, is one reason politicians are often the butt of jokes.”

Queena Lee, no relation to Annabel Lee nor Christopher Lee, is married Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in education, people, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

What did Mr. Eisenberg want from Mrs. Clinton?

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

The most obvious answer is advice on how to overcome depression caused by marital troubles. The police handled the incident well and none of the hostages were harmed. Neither was Mr. Leeland Eisenberg.

Here’s the story from NYT.

Posted in foreign affairs, police blather, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »