The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

“If you don’t love me again, I’ll kick your balls!”

Posted by commiedyan on January 30, 2009

by jaded viewer

It’s better to have loved me again and lost me again than never to have loved me and lost your balls. This is the moral of the Piolo Pascual-starrer “Love Me Again.”

I attended a matinee while bored as a cinema checker for ‘Concerto (Davao War Diary)’ in SM City Cebu earlier this month. I didn’t regret spending my whole day’s salary so I’m sharing my unbiased review.

First of all, the movie is a love story about animals. The leading man

locsin preparing to be a cow

(Pascual) is so in love with his cows that he breaks up with his girlfriend because she has to work in a ranch abroad to help pay for the management of her father’s health. While in the Australian outback she (Angel Locsin) falls for a kangaroo that has fallen for another cow. In the meantime Piolo falls in love with his horse.

In the end the hero comes to his senses and tries to woo back the pretty maiden. In an unusual twist, however, they ride into the sunset, and the hero falls from his horse and dies. (See suggested and more upbeat ending below).

‘Love Me Again” is further proof of ABS-CBN’s tendency to fool audiences with claims of expensive productions with locations abroad. For all the hoopla about shooting in Australia, all the shots of the ranch abroad are all narrow and shallow and could have been taken in Talamban in Cebu City. This suspicion is supported by another suspicion: the man that plays the Australian rancher who employs Locsin has an uncanny resemblance to an undernourished American missionary who hangs out in Kukuk’s nest in Lahug, also in Cebu City.

A few good words about the acting. If the producers hired Pascual to portray a clueless lover, they did well. He doesn’t even know how to kiss and the love scenes really are delightfully hilarious. Locsin is

pretty, and could have been prettier if she were a cow in real life.

Suggested ending. Angel asks Piolo to kneel so she could brand him with a cattle rod and forgive his idiocy. He refuses. They plant corn and all the cows and marsupials live happily ever after.

5 Responses to ““If you don’t love me again, I’ll kick your balls!””

  1. WillyJ said

    The surest ending is that this film will be entirely forgotten and all traces of it will be erased from the face of the earth. Which means more of this sort will come. Meanwhile, Locsin should stick to Darna, while Piolo should stick to being a clueless corn planter.

  2. Dett Lopee said

    ha ha ha, yes, i must agree that PP dont know how to kiss. The directors should give him full training on how to kiss. In acting, magaling sya. Pero pagdating sa kissing scene he’s so awkward. ha ha ha!

  3. pompeyo pedroche said

    Outside the filming behind the director, actors and actresses open their mouths and use their tongues; on the big screen they don’t know how- like they’re inhibited. So the acting is lousy and mediocre.

  4. pompeyo pedroche said

    Our local film Directors, save for a few, need to go back to school, study Shakespeare, the Elizabethan drama, or basic human psychology, logic, or simple common sense. Otherwise, manood na lang tayong cartoon transformers.

  5. pompeyo pedroche said

    Why don’t we have an honest-to-goodness movie industry? because our actors have no freedom and freedom is the most basic and important ingredient of any form of art. Our actors, if you want to call them that, are like cattle, coralled, then branded “Kapuso”, “Kapamilya” or “Kapatid” by greedy managers and childish networks. Meaning, these “talents” are like undernourished cows who are not allowed to wander to graze on greener pasture. Hawak sila sa bayag at singit.

    Second, entertainment in our country considers versatility more important than excellence. The career of a potential actor is derailed by his need to sing and dance; a would be dancer must sing and act as well before he gets his break; a singer must have a movie about the story of her life but, like Kris Aquino, has no emotions and therefore can not. In other words, we want our Britney Spears to be Jodi Fosters, our Anthony Hopkins to be Ludakris, and our Jay Lenos to be Stalones. Mabuti na lang, Misalucha wasn’t hooked into local movies and so with Charice. Otherwise, baka hangang ngayon sisiw pa rin sila na hindi kayang lumipad.

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