The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘breaking news’ Category

Philippine Police to save energy with new policies

Posted by commiedyan on June 15, 2008

Over the weekend, the Philippine National Police submitted to alleged president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo two radical proposals which could potentially save the national government millions in law enforcement.

The first is for all policemen to use bicycles instead of cars, at the same time trimming the fat bellies which ex-PNP chief and human rights abuser Ping Lacson had vigorously campaigned against. The second is for all cops to be absolutely deskbound and idle.

The drawback to the first proposal is obvious. The PNP would have to appeal to all criminal types to use non-motorized transport as well, a tall order since criminals are thought to be better funded, and those which use bicycles would betray their provenance, which is of course, the police.

Arroyo, we’ve learned, dismissed the second proposal without a thought. “Isn’t that what they’ve been doing all along? Where’s the incremental benefit?”

Advertisements

Posted in breaking news, politics, security | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Neri:”Im gay…so what? You happy now?”

Posted by commiedyan on March 1, 2008

Romulo Neri has broken his silence about his sexuality. In an exclusive interview with TPO, he claimed he has “never hidden his sexual preferences from his boyfriends.”

“I’ve been honest with all of them… unfortunately I can’t be honest with you about the ZTE deal, you have to give me more time to find my balls, it’s been a long time since I played with them.”

“You of all people should know that since TPO advertises itself as a radical paper,” Neri said. (os)

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, people | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Prime Minister Hun Sen to Benjamin Abalos: Confess

Posted by commiedyan on February 17, 2008

Old Spice

Phnom Penh—Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen today urged resigned Philippine Commission on Elections chair Benjamin Abalos to confess and reveal the whole truth about the scandalous ZTE-NBN deal, as he dismissed as unrealistic demands of the Filipino community here for Cambodia to break diplomatic ties with the Philippines to pressure self-proclaimed Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo into resigning along with her vice president so early elections could be called.

“While I appreciate the situation in the Philippines and sympathize with the demands of your people, breaking diplomatic ties is too harsh and would even backfire on the hundreds of overseas Filipino workers in Cambodia,” the prime minister told me in a phone interview (I first met him in August 1982 when he was foreign minister in the Vietnam-backed government). “What I can do, comrade, is to offer Abalos a lucrative consultancy with the Cambodia National Election Committee…It is timely because we have national elections in July…he can even help us with the automation of our elections. Perhaps that’s enough to buy him off?

Last Friday (February 15), influential members of the Filipino community here gathered at a political dinner meeting where a statement calling for Mrs. Arroyo to turn herself in at the police station closest to Malacanang was read. Another statement was addressed to the Cambodian government. During the meeting, social activist and professional political agitator Dinky Soliman, who does consulting work for the World Bank as a hobby, presented likely outcomes in the recent Philippine crisis. The dinner was subsidized by the WB and the US Agency for International Development (USAid).

Posted in breaking news, foreign affairs, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Hillary’s camp panics, links Barack to ZTE scam in the Philippines

Posted by commiedyan on February 12, 2008

Victor Woodward

Smarting from recent losses in key primaries, Hillary Clinton has not only replaced her campaign manager but has also instructed her lieutenants to start a new smear job against Barack Obama. This time, Obama is being linked to the ZTE scandal in the Philippines which might lead to the resignation of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo soon.

Clinton staffers are peddling to media that part of the kickback advances by ZTE officials has found its way into Obama’s campaign coffers. How that came to be is the subject an investigative story that is to come out in the New York Times over the weekend.

Obama, however, remains unfazed and claims that Mrs. Arroyo is helping his opponent so she could make a deal should Hillary succeed Bush. “There is no way for Mrs. Arroyo but down…if Hillary wants to go to bed with a corrupt Asian leader, that’s her call,” he said.

(Note: Mr. Woodward of the Washington Pest has recently been appointed as TPO’s contributing editor based in the US capital.) 

Posted in analysis, breaking news, foreign affairs | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

December 24 to January 2 official Philippine holidays—Palace

Posted by commiedyan on December 16, 2007

Malacañang ‘open house’ on Christmas Day

December 24 to January 2 next year are official special holidays, Malacañang loudmouth Ignacio Bunye, who recently cheated death in Kuwait, announced yesterday. Assuaging concerns on lost productivity however, the national government has also decided to make at least five regular holidays next year, probably including Lenten holy days, regular work days.

“We are not kowtowing to the Catholic Church, this is simply part of the president’s policy on holiday economics,” Bunye said. Holiday economics is premised on the belief that the tourism benefits of lumping weekends and holidays into contiguous periods, far outweigh the costs of adjustment in the production sectors. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, economics, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Statistics office drafts new guidelines on opinion surveys

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

On direct orders of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who has been unjustly accused of being the most corrupt president in Philippine history, the National Statistics Office has issued guidelines on the conduct of opinion surveys so these would no longer be based on ungrounded perceptions but on verifiable facts.

Our source at the NSO refused to provide us a copy of the draft but she explained the thrust of the document to us. In effect, survey organizations like Pulse Asia and Social Weather Stations would have to design the questionnaires to aid respondents in forming facts-based opinions. For example, in the matter of presidential corruption, the following yes or no questions could be suggested:

  1. Has the president ever given you a loot bag containing P500,000? P200,000? P50,000?
  2. Has an official close to the president offered you US $10M to withdraw from a government project? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

San Miguel Foods to Sumilao farmers: “cease to exist!”

Posted by commiedyan on December 11, 2007

The management of San Miguel Foods yesterday asked the Department of Agrarian Reform to issue a ‘cease to exist order‘ (CTO) against the farmers from Sumilao, Bukidnon who have been standing in the way of the company’s grandiose plans to transform all town residents into millionaires by allowing them to market the methane gas from its piggery.

The farmers, who walked for almost two months and 1,700 kilometers from Sumilao to Manila, earlier asked DAR secretary Nasser Pangandaman to issue a ‘cease and desist order‘ (CDO) against San Miguel’s illegal piggery. Last Friday, Pangandaman, asked the parties to submit their respective position papers by Monday so he could finally rule on the matter. We learned that during the farmers’ trek, the DAR secretary was busy picking his nose while counting the lizards on the ceiling that were discussing land reform. Or he could have been dreaming of lechon and dinuguan. Or he was just being cautious about not violationg the human rights of Danding Cojuangco…

So on Human Rights Day yesterday, the farmers, who held that their position and the issues were already well known to the secretary, wanted to humbly comply with the climate changing order. But they were prevented from entering the DAR compound on orders of Pangandaman himself. He would authorize the entry of only the farmers’ lawyers because the farmers were unkempt and he feared violence and that they might not leave etcetera etcetera. But the farmers stood their ground and said they were the claimants and not their lawyers.

There are a few Cebuano words whose meanings cannot be captured in Tagalog or English: Pastilan! Intaon! Lecheng yawa!

Posted in analysis, breaking news, economics, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Asian lady senator abducted, released in London

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

London (Reuters)—A prominent lady senator from Asia was reported missing at dawn here Saturday but surfaced dazed and half-naked in the lobby of the Britania Intercon in Grosvenor Square around noon today. Sources in the intelligence community said the senator had been under surveillance by agents of MI5 and MI6 and that she was actually arrested inside the British Museum where she suddenly burst into laughter before an exhibit of Egyptian artifacts, terrorizing other visitors. Only the timely and expert intervention of the curator prevented a stampede, according to our source who identified himself as JB. The British Official Secrets Act bars Reuters from publishing her name or nationality. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, foreign affairs, people, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Cebollas sin lagrimas: gold tumbles on ‘medalla de oro’ award to Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Henry C. Bollas

London (via ZTE broadband)–World commodity markets were inundated early today with sell orders for spot and futures gold as the news sunk in of alleged Philippine president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo getting the ‘medalla de oro‘ award Tuesday from the Universidad de Alcala in Madrid. The highest civilian award was conferred allegedly for Arroyo’s “defense of human rights, particularly her role in abolishing the death penalty in the Philippines.”

Que calamidad! Arroyo de lagrimas! (Flood of tears!)” a stock trader at the Bovespa in Madrid said. At the Chicago Mercantile Board, an analyst said “gold has lost half its luster forever.” She revealed hedge funds were dumping gold in favor of oil and onions. Oil prices had begun to slide despite the decision of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries to maintain current production levels, probably because of a recent Japanese invention curtailing demand. Oil bets are now off, the lady said. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, business, economics, foreign affairs, politics, religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Oplan Peninsula:Rebellion charges to be dropped, civilian captives freed

Posted by commiedyan on December 3, 2007

Rebellion without a clue, rebellion with improbable cause mulled

 

Old Spice with analysis by Inodoro Nila

State prosecutors as of four this morning were considering dropping charges for rebellion and inciting to rebellion filed by the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) against 26 military officers and 24 civilians in connection with the failed Oplan Peninsula. The charges are to be amended to rebellion without a clue for the military and ex-military suspects and rebellion with an improbable cause for the civilians, TPO has learned. But deliberations at the Captain’s Bar at the Manila Pavilion ended without a clear decision, bartenders said.

Journalists ‘invited’ for questioning had earlier been released without charges. The military suspects will also be charged with jaywalking for ignoring green lights in their march from J.P. Rizal to the hotel last Thursday.

The clock run out on the prosecutors 7 a.m. Saturday, according to UP Human Rights Institute executive director Ibarra Gutierrez Jr., and defense lawyers are set to file illegal detention charges against police.

Stung and humiliated by a series of rebuffs by the Supreme Court in related cases in the past two years, state prosecutor Manny Velasco reportedly wants to be more circumspect. He was quoted to be mumbling to himself “If the case is hit and miss, dismiss.” Sources close to the family say he changed after reading the The Prosecution-driven Life by the evangelist Raul Gonzales, whose healthy kidneys recently rebelled against him.

The CIDG is also set to invite Inquirer columnist Patricia Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, breaking news, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »