The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘briefly noted’ Category

The Quest is Back

Posted by commiedyan on July 24, 2008

Richard Quest, the Brit host of CNN’s business traveller program, is back, but not yet on air. He was ratted on by CNN’s Todd Benjamin on a spree with some friends in Central Park carrying amphetamines more than a month ago. Benjamin does not deserve to be financial editor of even a high school paper, and that is why he was so often irked by Quest’s impertinent rebuttals. It is true that Quest was often disrespectlful and cynical in regard to Benjamin’s comments. But the AH really deserved it.

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Neri:”Im gay…so what? You happy now?”

Posted by commiedyan on March 1, 2008

Romulo Neri has broken his silence about his sexuality. In an exclusive interview with TPO, he claimed he has “never hidden his sexual preferences from his boyfriends.”

“I’ve been honest with all of them… unfortunately I can’t be honest with you about the ZTE deal, you have to give me more time to find my balls, it’s been a long time since I played with them.”

“You of all people should know that since TPO advertises itself as a radical paper,” Neri said. (os)

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Read H.W.’s lips: John’s not a sissy

Posted by commiedyan on February 19, 2008

Victor Woodward

John McCain’s definitely not a sissy. This was the message most of the media failed to get from George Herbert Walker Bush’s endorsement of the senator from Arizona. “Unlike my son,” he whispered to me, ” John will not inflict any costly and unnecessary war on the American people because he doesn’t need to prove he’s not a sissy.”

But, the father of the president said, his endorsement should not be taken to mean he believes all the crap about the war hero’s recollections, especially the accounts about Cuban officers sighted in Vietnamese jungle camps.

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Fearless forecasts 2008 (2): George W. finds new members for axis of evil

Posted by commiedyan on January 5, 2008

Reeling from poor survey ratings in the pre-primaries in late 2007, the Republicans will begin to support a new project of the new conservatives (neocons): ostracize Australia and California. Dick Cheney will build a case to invade and bomb down under and even California. That is because Australia is now under a labor government which has signed on to bolder anti-global warming initiatives in Bali and governator Arnie has always been an embarassment to conservatives with his fuel economy standards. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in briefly noted, foreign affairs, Nature, people, politics | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Magdalo offer $100 reward for ‘kick me out’ sticker on Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 2, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Responding to the government’s offer of P1 million for information aiding the capture of renegade Capt. Nicanor Faeldon, the underground Magdalo, composed of active and inactive military officers, has offered its own reward: $100 for any overseas Filipino worker who could tack a ‘kick me out sign’ on Gloria Arroyo’s back during her seven-day visit to Europe. In addition, the OFW would also be entitled to $100 worth of mobile phone credits available for global roaming.

The most recent rebel military adventure has drawn mixed reactions in the country and worldwide. Those arrested are still awaiting a decision by the justice department on whether the charges filed by police have probable cause. Faeldon has been charged in absentia.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer quoted Arroyo’s statement before she left last night: “I hereby direct all our government departments and agencies, especially our security and defense forces, to remain vigilant and flush out any remaining threats to national security and public safety in the country, while at the same time restoring among our people a state of normalcy and calm.”

According to Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, the Magdalo reward comes from the Makati Business Club, and the phone credit was pledged by Globe Telecoms, lending credence, she said, to suspicions that the coup plotters are being financed by big business. She also called Oplan Peninsula a “harebrained idea hatched by narcissistic fungus-faced attention-grabbing lollipop-sucking nonbreast-fed amateurs.” We tried but failed to reach MBC executive director Read the rest of this entry »

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Gloria film gets ‘X’ for obscene nose

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

MTRCB censors gave an ‘X’ rating to “A Day in the Life of Gloria,” an animation film which shows President Arroyo’s nose growing after she says “I am sorry.” Artists cried ‘conspiracy’ Friday after the board also Xed another film, Mendiola. The two films were excluded from a short film festival called ‘Kontra-Agos’ because of the ratings.

ABS-CBN reported that MTRCB reviewer Mark Castrodes “dismissed the artists’ accusations as baseless conspiracy theories…the films were given an X-rating because they put government in a bad light. They should at least have covered her nose with a handkerchief, otherwise she would be seen as lying.

Read the full report here:Repression or paranoia? Filmmakers cry foul over short films’ ‘X’ rating.

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Curfew nets P1.5M in kotong

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

by Mon Tofu

The curfew imposed from midnight to 5 a.m. in the wake of the ‘protest action’ by Sen. Antonio Trillanes and Gen . Danilo Lim yesterday, netted a total of P1.5 million in kotong (petty bribes) from Metro Manila residents who were mostly unaware of it, police sources said. In a press briefing last night, national police chief Avelino Razon said that those manning police checkpoints had been warned not to demand kotong. However, our sources said the collections were centralized at the various police stations in the interest of transparency and proper accounting.

Among those caught violating the emergency regulation, dubbed by human rights lawyers as unconstitutional, were balut vendors, striptease dancers, drunks, and vagrants.

Kotong is one of the major complaints of public utility drivers reeling from rising gasoline prices.

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, police blather, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Losing our coconuts

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

Mamutong—Cebuano for climbing and harvesting fresh coconuts—from Malaybalay, Bukidnon, has come out with the top 10 reasons for reading The Philippine Onion. As you can see from numbers 7 and 6, he might have lost his coconuts:

7. Because humor has coexisted with politics and religion since Balaam conversed with his ass. (Numbers: 23)

6. You may go to hell if you don’t (for the Catholics and Muslims in the crowd).

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Mar Roxas’s prelude to a kiss

Posted by commiedyan on November 27, 2007

Yes, under the most liberal interpretation of party, the one that crowned Mar Roxas in Club Filipino yesterday certainly was, according to ANC’s Ricky Carandang. But what kiss are we talking about here? From his girlfriend who can’t decide whether Mar is the man of the hour, a celebrity of the day, or the flavor of the month? A kiss of death?

The first concrete indication of Mar Roxas’s presidential dream was his kowtowing to the local multinational cement lobby when he was still trade and industry secretary. Little did he know at the time that the entry of cheaper cement imports not only rejuvenated the local construction industry but also improved air quality in Metro Manila. How so? Because at that time the 18 cement factories within the Metro Manila air shed were operating at just around 50% of capacity, and studies by the Philippine Institute of Development Studies had clearly indicated a local cartel.

During the recent senate hearing on oil prices, Senator Roxas was again dancing to a populist tune, knowing fully well his questions were really just rhetorical. While we support his effort in enacting a good anti-trust law, we wonder whether he will really proceed with that and fight the cement cartel, among others, concretely.

Have a good one, Mar. And see you in 2010.

P.S.

Here’s a good one from SunStar Iloilo.

Posted in briefly noted, economics, religion, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Weather bulletin: Mina to skirt Metro Manila

Posted by commiedyan on November 23, 2007

“I’ll be away from Manila for some time to attend to family and business affairs in the United States,” sexy star Ara Mina told TPO in an interview at her pasta joint on Maginhawa st., UP Village at dawn today.

She would neither confirm nor deny her alleged stormy affair with Manny Pacquiao, who has claimed the rumors were spread to spark interest in their latest movie.

Meanwhile, the latest bulletin from the weather bureau quoted by the perpetually giggling Gretchen Fullido said the Bicol region is already being inundated by typhoon Mina, to be welcomed this afternoon by Albay governor Joey Salceda. Anthony Golez of the national disaster coordinating council was also quoted as saying they had completed the evacuation of two million Bicolanos to Metro Manila.

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