The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘briefly noted’ Category

Doctor, doctor you are sick!

Posted by commiedyan on November 22, 2007

Army doc nabbed for ‘punching’ pregnant woman in QC bar

This story’s from the Philippine Daily Inquirer:

Police arrested Wednesday morning an Army doctor who allegedly went berserk in a Quezon City bar and supposedly attacked a woman, four months pregnant, when she refused to check into a motel with him.

The suspect denied the charges, claiming that it was all an accident, and promised to pay only for woman’s cellular phone unit, which was destroyed in the incident. He also denied making the “indecent proposal” that triggered the whole episode.

Captain Noel Tanabe, detailed with the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) Medical Center’s pathology department, was hauled off to the Quezon City Police District (QCPD) Kamuning Station 10 on the complaint of the 24-year-old woman he allegedly punched in the stomach and whose Nokia N-72 cellular phone was destroyed in the scuffle.

Hey Doctor man, you’re sick. Where’s your mama? Call her quick. But you belong in jail, not in the mental ward, where you might drive the merely crazy to insanity.

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Rats ask Manila dads to clarify city zoning

Posted by commiedyan on November 21, 2007

Rats in barangay 734 in Manila have asked the city council to clarify its zoning rules, complaining that people have intruded into their turf in droves in the past few years. We were here first, yet they (people) have the temerity to complain to the press.

Yesterday, ABS-CBN quoted ‘people’ as saying “black rats, some of which are big as small cats, can be seen roaming the streets of Barangay 734 on Osmeña Highway, rummaging through household items and unmindful of residents.”

“Drat,” said Atty Orat, counsel for the Manila rats, “these people must be fornicating like there’s no tomorrow. Haven’t they heard of contraception?”

Read the rest of this entry »

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Sam and Paulo don’t clap their hands

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

And that’s because they’re not happy and they know it. What’s with these guys? The TPO driver and joker says he’s convinced they’re gay and is disgusted they have to make a show about suing Lolit Solit.

Hey guys, wake up! Half of the TPO staff are gay and the other half don’t know what they don’t know. So what’s you’re problem? You have the clap?

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TPO goes to senate disguised as Pravda

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

by Old Spice

We went to the senate to cover two hearings yesterday. One on the national broadband network, and the other on petroleum prices.

The first thing we noticed was security in the compound and inside the building was a joke. We were not frisked, and no one asked for names. But the guard had not heard of The Philippine Onion, so we said we were from Pravda and were waved in. I could have strapped 3 kilos of TNT around my sinewy body but I wasn’t suicidal then.

But I did become homicidal on seeing Senator Mar Roxas and Energy Secretary Angelo Reyes having a dog and pony show about deregulating and re-regulating the oil industry. At some point, I thought, what were these guys smoking? And who has Roxas been dating?

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Sorry, we were right:buy on humor, sell when the joke’s outed

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

Yesterday we said that the price of Geograce Resources had more than tripled in the last 52 weeks. When the price hit ‘resistance’ at P3, the new humor in the past two months was that the prodigal son of Matias Defensor was going to be associated with management. Finally, the news has been officially outed. Yesterday it went as low as P1.76 but settled at P1.82.

We don’t want to rub salt on the wounds of the injured, but the joke really might be on you and the rest of us. After all, the prodigal son, without any qualms about conflict of interest after his failed bid for a senate seat after occupying the environment and natural resources top post,  used to mine the nose of the first gentleman.

So, if you want to recover your losses, start saving for the IPO of TPO.

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Miriam goes gaga again, shoos, calls reporter crazy

Posted by commiedyan on November 19, 2007

“Wait till you get assasinated…and then you can investigate whether it was an assasination or an act of terrorism.”

Thus did Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago dismiss doubts of administration critics over the official police theory that the blast in the Batasan was a plot to assasinate Rep. Akbar of Basilan, punctuating the remark with that big inimitable laugh of hers.

The Philippines has the highest number of amateur detectives per capita in the world, she said, adding that these detectives automatically consider the police prime suspects in sensational crimes.

We sought an interview with her over allegations that during her time as a high-profile immigration commissioner, the rights of suspects were routinely violated. But she said she was on her way to her therapist. We asked if we could watch the session. “Go away! You’re crazy!” she said. Talk about the pot giving the kettle the benefit of the doubt.

Posted in briefly noted, congress, politics, security | Tagged: , , , | 12 Comments »

Friendster ‘implicated’ in retiree’s slide from Alzheimer’s to total amnesia and dementia

Posted by commiedyan on November 18, 2007

John Smith, an American retiree at the Paradise Regained Retirement Homes in Tagaytay City, Philippines, was suffering from mild forgetfulness. One day, anxious to post a comment in the blog of a high school friend, he was forced to apply for a Friendster account.

His chess buddy Chuck said that on receiving confirmatory e-mail from Friendster, his friend smiled his charming smile. Then suddenly John frowned and shut up. Below is the last line of the  e-mail which triggered John’s dementia and amnesia. Chuck says he might sue Friendster in his friend’s behalf.

  • click on this button to verify that you are really you.

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Catholic hierarchy rethinks stand on annulment, divorce

Posted by commiedyan on November 17, 2007

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) is set to ask the Vatican to change the rules on annulment and to consider allowing divorce in the Philippines, the only Catholic country where it is still banned.

The CBCP, in its latest conclave had reviewed the rising cases of frustrated suicides and parricides involving spouses trying to escape the hell of their marriages.

In their letter to the Vatican, the Philippine bishops recommended that suicide and parricide survivors should be granted automatic permission for annulment. It also said the Holy See should review its description of ‘psychological incapacity’ defined by the Philippine Supreme Court, seen by many as a covert branch of the Church, as inability to qualify for heaven.

The CBCP also cited rising cases of infidelity, as reported by Manuel Buencamino, nos corresponsal en Roma.

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Amid rising violence, UP mulls conversion of fraternities into sororities

Posted by commiedyan on November 17, 2007

Dismissing howls of protest from homophobes, UP regents and the student council in Diliman are seriously considering the proposal of the gay community on campus (Gayups) to have all fraternities converted into sororities. Fraternities that resist conversion are to be banned or abolished. Gayups spokesperson Dante Remate told TPO it was high time to fight destructive machismo which breeds senseless violence with efforts to bring men closer to “their inner woman.”

A spate of inter-fraternity rumbles and fatal cases of hazing has rocked the Diliman campus that have largely remained unsolved, leading former senate president Jovito Salonga to resign from his UP fraternity.

While the sisterhood of men is still a distant dream, UP is as good a place as any to start realizing it, Remate said.

Posted in briefly noted, education | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Sydney court cites kangaroo for contempt

Posted by commiedyan on November 14, 2007

by Juan Mercado Howard

TPO Sydney bureau

Magistrates in Sydney today granted the motion for continuance filed by plaintiffs in a wild wildlife suit after a kangaroo named Martha hopped into the courtroom and disrupted proceedings.

The marsupial pled innocent of contempt but was released on her own recognizance despite protests by the solicitors Pablo John Garcia, Ruben Carranza Jr., Joel Bontuyan, and Harry Roque, representing the Worldwide Fund for Nature and the Environment (WWF) and Conservation International (CI), that she was a flight risk and prone to jump bail.

Martha came a day early, Carranza, who subpoenaed her as a hostile witness, said. “I don’t want to go back to the outback,” Martha told TPO.

Talk about kangaroo justice, Carranza whispered to reporters on his way out of the courtroom.

Posted in briefly noted, Nature | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »