The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘briefly noted’ Category

Cops release description of Batasan blast suspect

Posted by commiedyan on November 14, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Investigators in Camp Karingal in Quezon City have released this brief description of one suspect in the Batasan bombing last night:

“Tall, dark and lean and said to be wearing the face of one Norberto Gonzales, graveyard security guard at the Metrobank branch across the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA) on East avenue.”

A P5 million reward has been offered by Gonzales’s employer for his speedy arrest and pardon.

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Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, police blather, security | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

House justice body rejects impeach bid under influence of strange substance

Posted by commiedyan on November 14, 2007

In an overwhelming 43-1 vote, the justice committee of the House voted down the impeachment bid filed by Ruel Pulido before noon today, a day after members voted that it was sufficient in shape, color, and taste.

They must have been under the influence of a known substance, Metro Manila police chief Geary Barias told TPO in a psychic interview. “Are you thinking what we’re thinking?” “Yes,” Barias said, adding psychically, “they all tested positive for metamphetamine hydrochloride, except for Rep. San Luis and Pulido, who tested positive for tetrahydrocannabinol. There is no chance of false positives here.”

Ever loyal to her highness, committee chair Mat Defensor, whose constipated shit grew into an ass-licking prodigal son, was seen scratching his ass and farting, Barias said. Asked for material evidence, the police chief only retorted “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

A congressman from Cebu said the complaint not only lacked sheep, it also smelled like a goat.

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, congress, politics | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Farmer contemplating suicide gets depressed, stabs self, survives; wife, depressed, kills self

Posted by commiedyan on November 13, 2007

The body of Maria K. Aguanta, 58, stalwart in her community, lies in state at the Naga Memorial Homes in Naga, Cebu. She is survived by husband Juan. Neighbors said Juan had been morose over the death of their two pigs and that they saw the couple arguing at dawn Monday.

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ANC cub reporter nabbed in Malacanang, charged with bribery

Posted by commiedyan on November 12, 2007

Willard Cheng!, ANC cub reporter and TPO stringer, was arrested by presidential security guards at 8:30 this morning for allegedly giving P50 to a palace gate sentry who allowed him entry without the appropriate pass. Cheng was following a hot lead on the distribution of loot bags in mid-October. Pfc. Juanito S. Dalidayon has been arrested for disloyalty and graft while Cheng has been charged with trespassing complexed with bribery, press secretary Ignacio Bunye said on government TV. “We will not tolerate corruption in our mission to build a strong state,” he added.

TPO and ANC appealed for support from the Philippine National Press Club (PNPc), saying the incident was a clear transgression of press freedom. But we were simply told “No one is above the law.” We also learned that the PNPc board has issued a resolution supporting the president’s ‘adherence to the rule of law” and acknowledging the legitimacy of the state’s police power over thought.

Bunye later retracted his televised statement.

“Accept it,” TPO editors advised Cheng when he called us to say Ronnie Puno had offered him a wad of depreciated $100 bills to forget about the incident. TPO management will issue an official receipt and will not be returning calls from the Philippine National Press Club.

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, media, police blather | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Suplico, Tamano, Roque reported missing

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

The wives of Rolex Suplico and Harry Roque have reported their spouses missing for more than three days. The girlfriends of Adel Tamano, on the other hand, have contacted TPO to inquire about the story we published more than a week ago. TPO is cooperating with the police. From accounts, we’ve learned that the three were supposed to have met with Prof. Joey Magpantay at the McDonalds branch in Philcoa last Friday. Mrs. Magpantay said Joey came home after waiting for an hour at the appointed place.

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Wife dies in scrabble match refereed by Pacquiao

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

General Santos City- A man stabbed his wife dead early Sunday after a heated argument over the spelling of ‘glove’ in a scrabble match refereed by the boxing champ. The wife actually had both ‘b’ and ‘v’ tiles but insisted on using ‘glove’ in deference to their neighbor Manny, who said he had no idea how the words were spelled.

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Reuse condoms, rebel priests urge Manila faithful

Posted by commiedyan on November 10, 2007

With black hoods over their heads, three priests objecting to official church policy and the refusal of Manila city hall to provide condoms and other contraceptives to public health clinics, urged parishioners to reuse condoms for more responsible parenthood. In a press conference in a chapel in Tondo, their spokesperson said, “In our experience condoms break or give you rashes only after the third use. Simply wash with soap and lukewarm water and hang to dry.”

Posted in briefly noted, religion | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »