The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘business’ Category

Manila pleasure-givers say no to US $

Posted by commiedyan on December 22, 2007

by e-kunomista

If there are still any doubts that the US dollar has not yet hit bottom, prostitutes in the red light districts of Manila just put those to rest: most are increasingly rejecting the greenback in favor of the euro, yuan, and yen. Among the most sophisticated in the world in the battle against HIV/AIDS Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, people, politics | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Oh shit, that’s why it’s raining manure…

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

Over the past two decades, the use of fireworks to celebrate holidays has been on the downtrend, along with the associated injuries and deaths. We suppose this is a result mainly of either economic hardship or a simple change in preferences among merrymakers. Fireworks have also been getting more sophisticated with the benefit of ‘rocket science’ and displays are generally more awesome. But now this explosive scandal! ’Cracker makers deny using manure –

“Hurting from claims that horse manure is being used in producing firecrackers, a leader of the pyrotechnic industry called the Department of Health “ignorant” about the manufacture of firecrackers and pyrotechnics.” So who’s telling the truth, the health officials or the industry spokesperson? So we went to investigate. Oh shit, the truth is even ‘far far worser.’

Posted in business, Malacañang, Nature | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

The incredible shrinking pan de sal

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

If you generally have bread for breakfast you’d already have noticed any of the following:

  • You’ve paid more for the usual quantity;
  • You’ve been having less for the same bill;
  • You’ve had the same number of pieces for the same bill.

The adjustment of choice for our local bakers is to shrink Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Ignore this at your own loss

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

Dear reader,

I have good news for you. Ignore this letter at your own loss, because this isn’t one of the scams the Central Bank has recently warned against as you will see if you read on.

First of all, while I promise you millions, how quickly you get the money is entirely up to you and the effort you put in the endeavor; this isn’t a scheme to turn iron into gold Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

TPO’s IPO oversubscribed, underpriced—Morgan Stanley

Posted by commiedyan on December 7, 2007

The management has authorized us to release the following information:

  1. Some weeks back we disclosed there was a bloody squabble between our CEO and CFO, each with sizable blocs of equity. Finally the staff managed to kick out the two and we now own the controlling shares.
  2. We also disclosed that management was hiring Rhona Tan, estranged wife of Ron Nathan, cousin of the unlamented Dante Tan. At the time we said we had also wanted to engage the services of John Mangun, if not for the lack of credibility of bald or balding analysts as bored through our thick skulls by Mahar Mangahas of SwS. Since then, Mangun has bought reasonable doubt (at a reasonable price, we hope) as to the location of his hair. Subsequently, we followed the advise of our lawyers to hire Rhona Tan, Ron Nathan, and John Mangun for the offering.
  3. The Pasig River Development Bank, lead underwriter, has disclosed the following deatils of the issue: Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Cebollas sin lagrimas: gold tumbles on ‘medalla de oro’ award to Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Henry C. Bollas

London (via ZTE broadband)–World commodity markets were inundated early today with sell orders for spot and futures gold as the news sunk in of alleged Philippine president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo getting the ‘medalla de oro‘ award Tuesday from the Universidad de Alcala in Madrid. The highest civilian award was conferred allegedly for Arroyo’s “defense of human rights, particularly her role in abolishing the death penalty in the Philippines.”

Que calamidad! Arroyo de lagrimas! (Flood of tears!)” a stock trader at the Bovespa in Madrid said. At the Chicago Mercantile Board, an analyst said “gold has lost half its luster forever.” She revealed hedge funds were dumping gold in favor of oil and onions. Oil prices had begun to slide despite the decision of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries to maintain current production levels, probably because of a recent Japanese invention curtailing demand. Oil bets are now off, the lady said. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, business, economics, foreign affairs, politics, religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Faking our way to the First World and beyond

Posted by commiedyan on December 5, 2007

by e-kunomista

As Christmas nears, banks and the Central Bank have been deluged by reports of fake currency in circulation. According to ANC’s Charo Logarta, the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas (BSP) normally receives about P100,000 worth of fake bills from commercial banks each month. But what about the fake bills which have thus far not been detected? No one really knows. Before the congressional elections this year, fake P1000, 500, and 100 bills were reported to have been used to buy votes. But so what?

Detecting counterfeit

According to currency experts at the central bank, there is a simple way to ascertain genuine and legal tender with a cheap magnifying glass. Just look under the name Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, business, economics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Math lessons for Vic Mangosteen;business lessons from Danding Co(co)juangco

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007


by Henry C. Bollas

Here’s the fruity Vic Mangosteen:

“EDUARDO Cojuangco Jr. borrowed P374 million from Cocobank to acquire the EnriqueZobel block in San Miguel Corp. in December 1983. As of yesterday’s market close, that 20 percent block, which paved the way for Cojuangco to eventually control the region’s largest food, beverage and packaging complex, was already worth about P18.8 billion, representing a 50-fold return in 24 years. Stated another way, Cojuangco saw his original investment, even during his exile years following the Marcos ouster, double every year.”

“San Miguel was trading at P22 a share when the hush-hush sale was being negotiated; Zobel, for still unknown reasons, did not seek any premium from Cojuangco for his block, according to the book, Boss Danding, by Earl G. Parreno.”

Hey thanks for the lesson Mangosteen, but your math is wrong and perhaps your politics is even Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, people, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Sorry, we were right:buy on humor, sell when the joke’s outed

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

Yesterday we said that the price of Geograce Resources had more than tripled in the last 52 weeks. When the price hit ‘resistance’ at P3, the new humor in the past two months was that the prodigal son of Matias Defensor was going to be associated with management. Finally, the news has been officially outed. Yesterday it went as low as P1.76 but settled at P1.82.

We don’t want to rub salt on the wounds of the injured, but the joke really might be on you and the rest of us. After all, the prodigal son, without any qualms about conflict of interest after his failed bid for a senate seat after occupying the environment and natural resources top post,  used to mine the nose of the first gentleman.

So, if you want to recover your losses, start saving for the IPO of TPO.

Posted in briefly noted, business, politics | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Vic Mangosteen is ripe again; we’re going public

Posted by commiedyan on November 19, 2007

Vic Mangosteen, the ex-PDI columnist who was the victim of our calumny recently, is right again. The Philippine Onion will be offering shares to the public, hopefully before the end of the year. By that time, everything old would be new again.
Management has authorized us to release the following information:

  • TPO has hired IPO consultant the zoftig Rhona Tan Nathan, estranged wife of Ron Nathan, that joke/r of a stock analyst for PDI, and cousin of Dante Tan, otherwise referred to by investors who lost their Victoria’s and Vittorio’s secret underwear in the BW scam as Kawa Tan.
  • Management considered a backdoor listing but balked because the basura (garbage) stocks among Ricky Carandangs favorites have been hyped up beyond our means. These are supposed to be, or soon to be engaged in mining, including the first gentleman’s nose, said to be full of stalactites and stalagmites, not to mention anthracite and lignite, major fuels warming the globe. The rumor that’s been going around the local bourse on Matias Defensor‘s prodigal son and Geograce Resources has just been confirmed. The price of GEO has more than tripled in the past 52 weeks.
  • We’ve also been asked to apologize in advance to the lovely but sad Cilette Liboro and the bubbly Martha Vinzons, who might twist their tongues pronouncing the names of the aforementioned in one sentence in their market updates on ANC.
  • Management also hereby apologizes to John Mangun, who was considered for advisorship. But a recent Social Weather Stations (SWS) survey indicated that only exactly 4.01% of investors consider bald or balding analysts credible. So sorry John.

We’ll be releasing a bulletin on the IPO before the end of November. Meanwhile, you can visit the SEC and PSE sites for rumors and gossip.

Posted in business | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »