The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘foreign affairs’ Category

Read H.W.’s lips: John’s not a sissy

Posted by commiedyan on February 19, 2008

Victor Woodward

John McCain’s definitely not a sissy. This was the message most of the media failed to get from George Herbert Walker Bush’s endorsement of the senator from Arizona. “Unlike my son,” he whispered to me, ” John will not inflict any costly and unnecessary war on the American people because he doesn’t need to prove he’s not a sissy.”

But, the father of the president said, his endorsement should not be taken to mean he believes all the crap about the war hero’s recollections, especially the accounts about Cuban officers sighted in Vietnamese jungle camps.

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Prime Minister Hun Sen to Benjamin Abalos: Confess

Posted by commiedyan on February 17, 2008

Old Spice

Phnom Penh—Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen today urged resigned Philippine Commission on Elections chair Benjamin Abalos to confess and reveal the whole truth about the scandalous ZTE-NBN deal, as he dismissed as unrealistic demands of the Filipino community here for Cambodia to break diplomatic ties with the Philippines to pressure self-proclaimed Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo into resigning along with her vice president so early elections could be called.

“While I appreciate the situation in the Philippines and sympathize with the demands of your people, breaking diplomatic ties is too harsh and would even backfire on the hundreds of overseas Filipino workers in Cambodia,” the prime minister told me in a phone interview (I first met him in August 1982 when he was foreign minister in the Vietnam-backed government). “What I can do, comrade, is to offer Abalos a lucrative consultancy with the Cambodia National Election Committee…It is timely because we have national elections in July…he can even help us with the automation of our elections. Perhaps that’s enough to buy him off?

Last Friday (February 15), influential members of the Filipino community here gathered at a political dinner meeting where a statement calling for Mrs. Arroyo to turn herself in at the police station closest to Malacanang was read. Another statement was addressed to the Cambodian government. During the meeting, social activist and professional political agitator Dinky Soliman, who does consulting work for the World Bank as a hobby, presented likely outcomes in the recent Philippine crisis. The dinner was subsidized by the WB and the US Agency for International Development (USAid).

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Hillary’s camp panics, links Barack to ZTE scam in the Philippines

Posted by commiedyan on February 12, 2008

Victor Woodward

Smarting from recent losses in key primaries, Hillary Clinton has not only replaced her campaign manager but has also instructed her lieutenants to start a new smear job against Barack Obama. This time, Obama is being linked to the ZTE scandal in the Philippines which might lead to the resignation of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo soon.

Clinton staffers are peddling to media that part of the kickback advances by ZTE officials has found its way into Obama’s campaign coffers. How that came to be is the subject an investigative story that is to come out in the New York Times over the weekend.

Obama, however, remains unfazed and claims that Mrs. Arroyo is helping his opponent so she could make a deal should Hillary succeed Bush. “There is no way for Mrs. Arroyo but down…if Hillary wants to go to bed with a corrupt Asian leader, that’s her call,” he said.

(Note: Mr. Woodward of the Washington Pest has recently been appointed as TPO’s contributing editor based in the US capital.) 

Posted in analysis, breaking news, foreign affairs | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

Fearless forecasts 2008 (2): George W. finds new members for axis of evil

Posted by commiedyan on January 5, 2008

Reeling from poor survey ratings in the pre-primaries in late 2007, the Republicans will begin to support a new project of the new conservatives (neocons): ostracize Australia and California. Dick Cheney will build a case to invade and bomb down under and even California. That is because Australia is now under a labor government which has signed on to bolder anti-global warming initiatives in Bali and governator Arnie has always been an embarassment to conservatives with his fuel economy standards. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in briefly noted, foreign affairs, Nature, people, politics | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

The Emir of Kuwait’s big fat flat joke almost made Gloria cry

Posted by commiedyan on December 11, 2007

Now that the emir of Kuwait, Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah, can no longer change his mind about saving Marilou Ranario from the noose, we can tell you the inside story of the crisis in Gloria Arroyo’s own mind. Something the emir whispered to her tested the woman’s determination to leave her legacy as a ‘tough’ leader and to have her place in the dustbin of history.

“I wan’t something in return. Our justice system requires that we hang someone else Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in foreign affairs, Malacañang | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A piece of our mind

Posted by commiedyan on December 10, 2007

Here’s a movie review we would have wanted to write ourselves on Lions for Lambs (produced by sheep), a fitting one for International Human Rights Day:

“The title of the movie Lions for Lambs is based on comment by a German General in World War I – he admired the British troops who were dying in the trenches, and held their officers in contempt. The movie tries to honor our troops while condemning the current crop of wars, politicians, and media”.

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Asian lady senator abducted, released in London

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

London (Reuters)—A prominent lady senator from Asia was reported missing at dawn here Saturday but surfaced dazed and half-naked in the lobby of the Britania Intercon in Grosvenor Square around noon today. Sources in the intelligence community said the senator had been under surveillance by agents of MI5 and MI6 and that she was actually arrested inside the British Museum where she suddenly burst into laughter before an exhibit of Egyptian artifacts, terrorizing other visitors. Only the timely and expert intervention of the curator prevented a stampede, according to our source who identified himself as JB. The British Official Secrets Act bars Reuters from publishing her name or nationality. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, foreign affairs, people, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

George W. writes Kim Jong Il

Posted by commiedyan on December 8, 2007

 

The White House

Office of the President
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The House of Kim Jong Il, The Great Leader, Pyongyang

December 7, 2007

Dear Kim Jong Il,

My dear Kim, hi Jong, hello Il. I really dunno how to coal call you so I hope u you dawn don’t manned. I woodda asked my dog Barney, whose sa lot smarter than me, to do this letter, but he dozen doesn’t know that much English, and he’s spelling’s jazz terrible. I asked him to duda google on you but whaddayou know, you dawn don’t even have a Friendster account.

What you up apt to? I thought we gave you yore money back. And da, and da. you promised to beehive. Now what’s this I hear u you back to yore old tricks. I wuz jazz bout to strike you off my evil axis list, as soon as we found someone else to replace you. Are you friends with the Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines? I hear they might have nukes. Hell I dawn don’t even no where North Korea is ‘cept it must be above South Korea right? Am I smart or not? Anyways, the good book says evil always comes in threes, so you understand. All I know no about the Korean war I learned from that teevee show Mashed. Anyways, were wuz I? Oh yes, you fool me once, I’m a fool, you fool me twice, I’m a fool, You fool me again, I wanna cry and go to my mommy. What’s more, big Dick’ll make fun oh my dick if I don’t nuke you. See what I mean?

Hey Kim, hey Jong, hey Il. Please beehive man cuz cause few do I’ll even invite you to my the White House, even the ranch in Texas were my staff can barbecue you prepare barbecue we can have barbecue. Or perhaps we can go to my dad’s place in Kennebunkport. Took Vlad there you know. Damn idiot wanned me to swim with him, but I tell him water’s called Vlad. But there he went and jumped into the water, like a mammal whale. D’ya no that? Whales are mammals man! Am I smart or not? Then he wanned me to play chess with him and so I tell him I don’t do the chess man. So we played rock paper scissors Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in foreign affairs, security | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Cebollas sin lagrimas: gold tumbles on ‘medalla de oro’ award to Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Henry C. Bollas

London (via ZTE broadband)–World commodity markets were inundated early today with sell orders for spot and futures gold as the news sunk in of alleged Philippine president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo getting the ‘medalla de oro‘ award Tuesday from the Universidad de Alcala in Madrid. The highest civilian award was conferred allegedly for Arroyo’s “defense of human rights, particularly her role in abolishing the death penalty in the Philippines.”

Que calamidad! Arroyo de lagrimas! (Flood of tears!)” a stock trader at the Bovespa in Madrid said. At the Chicago Mercantile Board, an analyst said “gold has lost half its luster forever.” She revealed hedge funds were dumping gold in favor of oil and onions. Oil prices had begun to slide despite the decision of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries to maintain current production levels, probably because of a recent Japanese invention curtailing demand. Oil bets are now off, the lady said. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, business, economics, foreign affairs, politics, religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Our disappearing civil liberties, or why some liberties are greater than others, especially if you have been forced to disappear

Posted by commiedyan on December 4, 2007

by Onionista

Speaking with her now legendary candor and sincerity, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo said she was sorry about the sorry plight of reporters who had been cuffed and bussed off to Bicutan for ‘processing.’ “I am sorry,” said she as her nose glowed even with the bright lights in the Malacanang press briefing room. Just a few hours later, around 20 million Filipinos were placed under house arrest in Metro Manila and adjacent regions with what former UP law dean Raul Pangalangan said was an unconstitutional 12-5 a.m. curfew. The streets of the capital were eerier than on Good Fridays in a country dominated by nominally devout Catholics. Only the lord, if there is a lord, knows how many agogo dancers, carnappers, akyat-bahay gangsters, hotblooded teenagers, restless and bored husbands, matronas and their dance attorneys, balut vendors, wanderlustful congressmen had their freedom of movement curtailed, with dire consequences not only for the formal and informal sectors of the economy, but also on the freedom-seeking human spirit.

The ubiquitous checkpoints prompted a variation of the second law of cartoon physics: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until a checkpoint appears, in which case kotong will have to be paid for the body to regain its momentum. If no kotong is paid, the body will disappear until a writ of amparo makes it reappear.

More recently, the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) subpoenaed Maria Ressa of ABS-CBN to investigate the network’s alleged involvement in Oplan Peninsula. The subpoena was served after Malacañang, taking liberties with the word ‘dialogue’ proposed a meeting between the PNP/AFP and the press. Ressa has reportedly sent a conciliatory text message to interior and local government secretary Ronnie Puno: go fuck and talk Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, foreign affairs, Malacañang, media, security, special reports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »