The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for the ‘politics’ Category

Philippine Police to save energy with new policies

Posted by commiedyan on June 15, 2008

Over the weekend, the Philippine National Police submitted to alleged president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo two radical proposals which could potentially save the national government millions in law enforcement.

The first is for all policemen to use bicycles instead of cars, at the same time trimming the fat bellies which ex-PNP chief and human rights abuser Ping Lacson had vigorously campaigned against. The second is for all cops to be absolutely deskbound and idle.

The drawback to the first proposal is obvious. The PNP would have to appeal to all criminal types to use non-motorized transport as well, a tall order since criminals are thought to be better funded, and those which use bicycles would betray their provenance, which is of course, the police.

Arroyo, we’ve learned, dismissed the second proposal without a thought. “Isn’t that what they’ve been doing all along? Where’s the incremental benefit?”

Advertisements

Posted in breaking news, politics, security | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Prime Minister Hun Sen to Benjamin Abalos: Confess

Posted by commiedyan on February 17, 2008

Old Spice

Phnom Penh—Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen today urged resigned Philippine Commission on Elections chair Benjamin Abalos to confess and reveal the whole truth about the scandalous ZTE-NBN deal, as he dismissed as unrealistic demands of the Filipino community here for Cambodia to break diplomatic ties with the Philippines to pressure self-proclaimed Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo into resigning along with her vice president so early elections could be called.

“While I appreciate the situation in the Philippines and sympathize with the demands of your people, breaking diplomatic ties is too harsh and would even backfire on the hundreds of overseas Filipino workers in Cambodia,” the prime minister told me in a phone interview (I first met him in August 1982 when he was foreign minister in the Vietnam-backed government). “What I can do, comrade, is to offer Abalos a lucrative consultancy with the Cambodia National Election Committee…It is timely because we have national elections in July…he can even help us with the automation of our elections. Perhaps that’s enough to buy him off?

Last Friday (February 15), influential members of the Filipino community here gathered at a political dinner meeting where a statement calling for Mrs. Arroyo to turn herself in at the police station closest to Malacanang was read. Another statement was addressed to the Cambodian government. During the meeting, social activist and professional political agitator Dinky Soliman, who does consulting work for the World Bank as a hobby, presented likely outcomes in the recent Philippine crisis. The dinner was subsidized by the WB and the US Agency for International Development (USAid).

Posted in breaking news, foreign affairs, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Fearless forecasts 2008 (2): George W. finds new members for axis of evil

Posted by commiedyan on January 5, 2008

Reeling from poor survey ratings in the pre-primaries in late 2007, the Republicans will begin to support a new project of the new conservatives (neocons): ostracize Australia and California. Dick Cheney will build a case to invade and bomb down under and even California. That is because Australia is now under a labor government which has signed on to bolder anti-global warming initiatives in Bali and governator Arnie has always been an embarassment to conservatives with his fuel economy standards. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in briefly noted, foreign affairs, Nature, people, politics | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

2008 fearless forecasts (1): Mar, Korina to wed with complicated strings attached

Posted by commiedyan on December 24, 2007

(With this we start a series of fearless forecasts for 2008, conclusions from a multi-disciplinary team of astrologists, card-readers, psychics, political scientists, economists, psychologists, physicists, astronomers, archaeologists, microbiologists whom we brought together in a series of Delphi sessions. As usual, we assert that the burden of proof lies with those who disagree with us).

The political consultants of Senator Mar Roxas have long concluded that his romantic involvement with Korina Sanchez is a winner with respect to his chances of bagging the presidency in 2001. For one, they say, it gives him mass appeal. For another, it ‘lays to rest’ doubts about his being a ‘real man.’ We don’t buy that crap, but our experts say the couple will wed late next year, but with a web of complicated strings contained in a prenuptial agreement.

In brief, the two major condition is: If the costs of feigning romance and intimacy outweigh the trappings of political power for Roxas and the influence to be derived by Sanchez, the two will embark on a ‘no-contest’ annulment, with each throwing the charge of psychological incapacity against the other. Our resident psychologist says the case should be a no brainer for the judge, since, she says, the marriage vows are irrefutable proof of psychological incapacity.

Posted in analysis, entertainment, people, politics, special reports | Tagged: , , , | 10 Comments »

Manila pleasure-givers say no to US $

Posted by commiedyan on December 22, 2007

by e-kunomista

If there are still any doubts that the US dollar has not yet hit bottom, prostitutes in the red light districts of Manila just put those to rest: most are increasingly rejecting the greenback in favor of the euro, yuan, and yen. Among the most sophisticated in the world in the battle against HIV/AIDS Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, people, politics | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Gloria Arroyo dances dirty with sexy ZTE bombshells

Posted by commiedyan on December 17, 2007

Our special gift to loyal readers:

What a dull Christmas this has been, and so many issues will remain unresolved as the year ends. For one, the office of Senator Kiko Pangilinan has told TPO there will be no more hearings on the ZTE-NBN deal this year. So our readers won’t forget the villains in this drama, we’ve produced this special Christmas present(ation). The joke’s on us (double meaning intended). Please click on the photos to view characters and start the show, best viewed with broadband (parental guidance is advised). Downloading might be quirky, but it’s well worth the wait, so have patience and get yourself beer or tea. We suggest Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

December 24 to January 2 official Philippine holidays—Palace

Posted by commiedyan on December 16, 2007

Malacañang ‘open house’ on Christmas Day

December 24 to January 2 next year are official special holidays, Malacañang loudmouth Ignacio Bunye, who recently cheated death in Kuwait, announced yesterday. Assuaging concerns on lost productivity however, the national government has also decided to make at least five regular holidays next year, probably including Lenten holy days, regular work days.

“We are not kowtowing to the Catholic Church, this is simply part of the president’s policy on holiday economics,” Bunye said. Holiday economics is premised on the belief that the tourism benefits of lumping weekends and holidays into contiguous periods, far outweigh the costs of adjustment in the production sectors. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, economics, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The incredible shrinking pan de sal

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

If you generally have bread for breakfast you’d already have noticed any of the following:

  • You’ve paid more for the usual quantity;
  • You’ve been having less for the same bill;
  • You’ve had the same number of pieces for the same bill.

The adjustment of choice for our local bakers is to shrink Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Ignore this at your own loss

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

Dear reader,

I have good news for you. Ignore this letter at your own loss, because this isn’t one of the scams the Central Bank has recently warned against as you will see if you read on.

First of all, while I promise you millions, how quickly you get the money is entirely up to you and the effort you put in the endeavor; this isn’t a scheme to turn iron into gold Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Statistics office drafts new guidelines on opinion surveys

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

On direct orders of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who has been unjustly accused of being the most corrupt president in Philippine history, the National Statistics Office has issued guidelines on the conduct of opinion surveys so these would no longer be based on ungrounded perceptions but on verifiable facts.

Our source at the NSO refused to provide us a copy of the draft but she explained the thrust of the document to us. In effect, survey organizations like Pulse Asia and Social Weather Stations would have to design the questionnaires to aid respondents in forming facts-based opinions. For example, in the matter of presidential corruption, the following yes or no questions could be suggested:

  1. Has the president ever given you a loot bag containing P500,000? P200,000? P50,000?
  2. Has an official close to the president offered you US $10M to withdraw from a government project? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »