The Philippine Onion

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Archive for the ‘security’ Category

Philippine Police to save energy with new policies

Posted by commiedyan on June 15, 2008

Over the weekend, the Philippine National Police submitted to alleged president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo two radical proposals which could potentially save the national government millions in law enforcement.

The first is for all policemen to use bicycles instead of cars, at the same time trimming the fat bellies which ex-PNP chief and human rights abuser Ping Lacson had vigorously campaigned against. The second is for all cops to be absolutely deskbound and idle.

The drawback to the first proposal is obvious. The PNP would have to appeal to all criminal types to use non-motorized transport as well, a tall order since criminals are thought to be better funded, and those which use bicycles would betray their provenance, which is of course, the police.

Arroyo, we’ve learned, dismissed the second proposal without a thought. “Isn’t that what they’ve been doing all along? Where’s the incremental benefit?”

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A piece of our mind

Posted by commiedyan on December 10, 2007

Here’s a movie review we would have wanted to write ourselves on Lions for Lambs (produced by sheep), a fitting one for International Human Rights Day:

“The title of the movie Lions for Lambs is based on comment by a German General in World War I – he admired the British troops who were dying in the trenches, and held their officers in contempt. The movie tries to honor our troops while condemning the current crop of wars, politicians, and media”.

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George W. writes Kim Jong Il

Posted by commiedyan on December 8, 2007

 

The White House

Office of the President
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The House of Kim Jong Il, The Great Leader, Pyongyang

December 7, 2007

Dear Kim Jong Il,

My dear Kim, hi Jong, hello Il. I really dunno how to coal call you so I hope u you dawn don’t manned. I woodda asked my dog Barney, whose sa lot smarter than me, to do this letter, but he dozen doesn’t know that much English, and he’s spelling’s jazz terrible. I asked him to duda google on you but whaddayou know, you dawn don’t even have a Friendster account.

What you up apt to? I thought we gave you yore money back. And da, and da. you promised to beehive. Now what’s this I hear u you back to yore old tricks. I wuz jazz bout to strike you off my evil axis list, as soon as we found someone else to replace you. Are you friends with the Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines? I hear they might have nukes. Hell I dawn don’t even no where North Korea is ‘cept it must be above South Korea right? Am I smart or not? Anyways, the good book says evil always comes in threes, so you understand. All I know no about the Korean war I learned from that teevee show Mashed. Anyways, were wuz I? Oh yes, you fool me once, I’m a fool, you fool me twice, I’m a fool, You fool me again, I wanna cry and go to my mommy. What’s more, big Dick’ll make fun oh my dick if I don’t nuke you. See what I mean?

Hey Kim, hey Jong, hey Il. Please beehive man cuz cause few do I’ll even invite you to my the White House, even the ranch in Texas were my staff can barbecue you prepare barbecue we can have barbecue. Or perhaps we can go to my dad’s place in Kennebunkport. Took Vlad there you know. Damn idiot wanned me to swim with him, but I tell him water’s called Vlad. But there he went and jumped into the water, like a mammal whale. D’ya no that? Whales are mammals man! Am I smart or not? Then he wanned me to play chess with him and so I tell him I don’t do the chess man. So we played rock paper scissors Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in foreign affairs, security | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Our disappearing civil liberties, or why some liberties are greater than others, especially if you have been forced to disappear

Posted by commiedyan on December 4, 2007

by Onionista

Speaking with her now legendary candor and sincerity, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo said she was sorry about the sorry plight of reporters who had been cuffed and bussed off to Bicutan for ‘processing.’ “I am sorry,” said she as her nose glowed even with the bright lights in the Malacanang press briefing room. Just a few hours later, around 20 million Filipinos were placed under house arrest in Metro Manila and adjacent regions with what former UP law dean Raul Pangalangan said was an unconstitutional 12-5 a.m. curfew. The streets of the capital were eerier than on Good Fridays in a country dominated by nominally devout Catholics. Only the lord, if there is a lord, knows how many agogo dancers, carnappers, akyat-bahay gangsters, hotblooded teenagers, restless and bored husbands, matronas and their dance attorneys, balut vendors, wanderlustful congressmen had their freedom of movement curtailed, with dire consequences not only for the formal and informal sectors of the economy, but also on the freedom-seeking human spirit.

The ubiquitous checkpoints prompted a variation of the second law of cartoon physics: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until a checkpoint appears, in which case kotong will have to be paid for the body to regain its momentum. If no kotong is paid, the body will disappear until a writ of amparo makes it reappear.

More recently, the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) subpoenaed Maria Ressa of ABS-CBN to investigate the network’s alleged involvement in Oplan Peninsula. The subpoena was served after Malacañang, taking liberties with the word ‘dialogue’ proposed a meeting between the PNP/AFP and the press. Ressa has reportedly sent a conciliatory text message to interior and local government secretary Ronnie Puno: go fuck and talk Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, foreign affairs, Malacañang, media, security, special reports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Oplan Peninsula:Rebellion charges to be dropped, civilian captives freed

Posted by commiedyan on December 3, 2007

Rebellion without a clue, rebellion with improbable cause mulled

 

Old Spice with analysis by Inodoro Nila

State prosecutors as of four this morning were considering dropping charges for rebellion and inciting to rebellion filed by the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) against 26 military officers and 24 civilians in connection with the failed Oplan Peninsula. The charges are to be amended to rebellion without a clue for the military and ex-military suspects and rebellion with an improbable cause for the civilians, TPO has learned. But deliberations at the Captain’s Bar at the Manila Pavilion ended without a clear decision, bartenders said.

Journalists ‘invited’ for questioning had earlier been released without charges. The military suspects will also be charged with jaywalking for ignoring green lights in their march from J.P. Rizal to the hotel last Thursday.

The clock run out on the prosecutors 7 a.m. Saturday, according to UP Human Rights Institute executive director Ibarra Gutierrez Jr., and defense lawyers are set to file illegal detention charges against police.

Stung and humiliated by a series of rebuffs by the Supreme Court in related cases in the past two years, state prosecutor Manny Velasco reportedly wants to be more circumspect. He was quoted to be mumbling to himself “If the case is hit and miss, dismiss.” Sources close to the family say he changed after reading the The Prosecution-driven Life by the evangelist Raul Gonzales, whose healthy kidneys recently rebelled against him.

The CIDG is also set to invite Inquirer columnist Patricia Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, breaking news, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Magdalo offer $100 reward for ‘kick me out’ sticker on Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 2, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Responding to the government’s offer of P1 million for information aiding the capture of renegade Capt. Nicanor Faeldon, the underground Magdalo, composed of active and inactive military officers, has offered its own reward: $100 for any overseas Filipino worker who could tack a ‘kick me out sign’ on Gloria Arroyo’s back during her seven-day visit to Europe. In addition, the OFW would also be entitled to $100 worth of mobile phone credits available for global roaming.

The most recent rebel military adventure has drawn mixed reactions in the country and worldwide. Those arrested are still awaiting a decision by the justice department on whether the charges filed by police have probable cause. Faeldon has been charged in absentia.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer quoted Arroyo’s statement before she left last night: “I hereby direct all our government departments and agencies, especially our security and defense forces, to remain vigilant and flush out any remaining threats to national security and public safety in the country, while at the same time restoring among our people a state of normalcy and calm.”

According to Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, the Magdalo reward comes from the Makati Business Club, and the phone credit was pledged by Globe Telecoms, lending credence, she said, to suspicions that the coup plotters are being financed by big business. She also called Oplan Peninsula a “harebrained idea hatched by narcissistic fungus-faced attention-grabbing lollipop-sucking nonbreast-fed amateurs.” We tried but failed to reach MBC executive director Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in briefly noted, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Curfew nets P1.5M in kotong

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

by Mon Tofu

The curfew imposed from midnight to 5 a.m. in the wake of the ‘protest action’ by Sen. Antonio Trillanes and Gen . Danilo Lim yesterday, netted a total of P1.5 million in kotong (petty bribes) from Metro Manila residents who were mostly unaware of it, police sources said. In a press briefing last night, national police chief Avelino Razon said that those manning police checkpoints had been warned not to demand kotong. However, our sources said the collections were centralized at the various police stations in the interest of transparency and proper accounting.

Among those caught violating the emergency regulation, dubbed by human rights lawyers as unconstitutional, were balut vendors, striptease dancers, drunks, and vagrants.

Kotong is one of the major complaints of public utility drivers reeling from rising gasoline prices.

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, police blather, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Why ‘Oplan Peninsula’ was doomed from the start

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

by Old Spice

Faulty analysis and poor planning doomed the rebellion led by Senator Antonio Trillanes and Gen. Danilo Lim from the very beginning. Our conclusion is based on copies of documents recovered from the Manila Peninsula last night and accounts from our sources in Malacañang.

The first sign that something was awry was the absence of crowds when the two former military officers arrived at the hotel shortly before noon yesterday. Because of the drizzle, supporters of the duo stayed at home or in their offices, opting to give only ‘moral’ support. This in turn accounted for why the various commands which ‘were in on the plan’ stayed in barracks, as the support was conditional on the presence of massive civilan support.

But what really put the nail in the coffin of ‘Oplan Peninsula’ was something else. According to Cerge Remonde, who requested anonymity, there was a palpable sense of restlessness when the cabinet convened shortly after 1:30 p.m. Even with the government’s unquestioned superiority of force, Remonde said, some cabinet officials were simply tired of the never-ending calls for resignation and were prepared to ask the president to let go for the sake of the economy. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Philip Alston:The blind and pesky Australian

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Onionista

What’s wrong with Philip Alston? According to Malacañang chief of staff Eduardo Ermita, he could shed crocodile tears and blood before the UN special rapporteur on human rights and still fail to convince the expert of the country’s sterling record on human rights. The blind can probably see better than Alston, Ermita said in a press briefing in Malacañang yesterday.

The ‘intelligence’ agencies of government, including the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA) under the wing of Norberto Gonzales and the Intelligence Service of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (Isafp-Esperon wing) had linked the recent spate of forced disappearances of left-wing activists to a purge conducted by the Maoist insurgency in the late 80’s and early 90’s, in an apparent bid to harass congressmen sympathetic to the National Democratic Front.

“He should just use his imagination and not question the chronology of events,” Gonzales and Esperon protested to TPO over dinner last night. “What does he want us to do? Admit that the insurgency is a bogey to justify our perks and reason for being?” TPO has learned that Gonzales has a confidential long-term plan to drive the legal Left back to the hills because they cannot be coopted by the idea that political power can grow out of the pork barrel of a gun. Once back in the mountains, they can be more easily bombed into Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, foreign affairs, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Miriam goes gaga again, shoos, calls reporter crazy

Posted by commiedyan on November 19, 2007

“Wait till you get assasinated…and then you can investigate whether it was an assasination or an act of terrorism.”

Thus did Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago dismiss doubts of administration critics over the official police theory that the blast in the Batasan was a plot to assasinate Rep. Akbar of Basilan, punctuating the remark with that big inimitable laugh of hers.

The Philippines has the highest number of amateur detectives per capita in the world, she said, adding that these detectives automatically consider the police prime suspects in sensational crimes.

We sought an interview with her over allegations that during her time as a high-profile immigration commissioner, the rights of suspects were routinely violated. But she said she was on her way to her therapist. We asked if we could watch the session. “Go away! You’re crazy!” she said. Talk about the pot giving the kettle the benefit of the doubt.

Posted in briefly noted, congress, politics, security | Tagged: , , , | 12 Comments »