The Philippine Onion

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“If you don’t love me again, I’ll kick your balls!”

Posted by commiedyan on January 30, 2009

by jaded viewer

It’s better to have loved me again and lost me again than never to have loved me and lost your balls. This is the moral of the Piolo Pascual-starrer “Love Me Again.”

I attended a matinee while bored as a cinema checker for ‘Concerto (Davao War Diary)’ in SM City Cebu earlier this month. I didn’t regret spending my whole day’s salary so I’m sharing my unbiased review.

First of all, the movie is a love story about animals. The leading man

locsin preparing to be a cow

(Pascual) is so in love with his cows that he breaks up with his girlfriend because she has to work in a ranch abroad to help pay for the management of her father’s health. While in the Australian outback she (Angel Locsin) falls for a kangaroo that has fallen for another cow. In the meantime Piolo falls in love with his horse.

In the end the hero comes to his senses and tries to woo back the pretty maiden. In an unusual twist, however, they ride into the sunset, and the hero falls from his horse and dies. (See suggested and more upbeat ending below).

‘Love Me Again” is further proof of ABS-CBN’s tendency to fool audiences with claims of expensive productions with locations abroad. For all the hoopla about shooting in Australia, all the shots of the ranch abroad are all narrow and shallow and could have been taken in Talamban in Cebu City. This suspicion is supported by another suspicion: the man that plays the Australian rancher who employs Locsin has an uncanny resemblance to an undernourished American missionary who hangs out in Kukuk’s nest in Lahug, also in Cebu City.

A few good words about the acting. If the producers hired Pascual to portray a clueless lover, they did well. He doesn’t even know how to kiss and the love scenes really are delightfully hilarious. Locsin is

pretty, and could have been prettier if she were a cow in real life.

Suggested ending. Angel asks Piolo to kneel so she could brand him with a cattle rod and forgive his idiocy. He refuses. They plant corn and all the cows and marsupials live happily ever after.

Posted in movie reviews, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

Hillary resists temptation

Posted by commiedyan on August 27, 2008

by Victor Woodward

(The Washington Pest)

“No you don’t. No I won’t.” These were the stern words of Hillary Clinton to John Mccain, that wrinkly, white-haired stupid man whose claim to fame is having been shot down in Vietnam in a war that humiliated the United States. Mccain, who has shown no indication that he learned anything from the Vietnam War, called Hillary to ask her to be his running mate.

The Republican camp has been shamelessly running ads showing Ms. Clinton’s attacks on Mr. Obama’s alleged lack of experience and non-preparedness for the presidency.  It has been courting Clinton supporters whose lack of warmth for Obama has could not but be fired up some more because she was not chosen running mate.  Our investigation, however, revealed that Mr. Obama did offer the slot to Ms. Clinton, but that her husband would not agree to one condition: that he stay away from Washington politics and be content with an appointment as US ambassador to Kosovo.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

San Miguel Foods to Sumilao farmers: “cease to exist!”

Posted by commiedyan on December 11, 2007

The management of San Miguel Foods yesterday asked the Department of Agrarian Reform to issue a ‘cease to exist order‘ (CTO) against the farmers from Sumilao, Bukidnon who have been standing in the way of the company’s grandiose plans to transform all town residents into millionaires by allowing them to market the methane gas from its piggery.

The farmers, who walked for almost two months and 1,700 kilometers from Sumilao to Manila, earlier asked DAR secretary Nasser Pangandaman to issue a ‘cease and desist order‘ (CDO) against San Miguel’s illegal piggery. Last Friday, Pangandaman, asked the parties to submit their respective position papers by Monday so he could finally rule on the matter. We learned that during the farmers’ trek, the DAR secretary was busy picking his nose while counting the lizards on the ceiling that were discussing land reform. Or he could have been dreaming of lechon and dinuguan. Or he was just being cautious about not violationg the human rights of Danding Cojuangco…

So on Human Rights Day yesterday, the farmers, who held that their position and the issues were already well known to the secretary, wanted to humbly comply with the climate changing order. But they were prevented from entering the DAR compound on orders of Pangandaman himself. He would authorize the entry of only the farmers’ lawyers because the farmers were unkempt and he feared violence and that they might not leave etcetera etcetera. But the farmers stood their ground and said they were the claimants and not their lawyers.

There are a few Cebuano words whose meanings cannot be captured in Tagalog or English: Pastilan! Intaon! Lecheng yawa!

Posted in analysis, breaking news, economics, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

What did Mr. Eisenberg want from Mrs. Clinton?

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

The most obvious answer is advice on how to overcome depression caused by marital troubles. The police handled the incident well and none of the hostages were harmed. Neither was Mr. Leeland Eisenberg.

Here’s the story from NYT.

Posted in foreign affairs, police blather, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

The art and science of weather forecasting and why we can’t predict Mina

Posted by commiedyan on November 26, 2007

Our weather forecasters have drawn a lot of undeserved flak for the way Mina has skirted the areas she was supposed to damage. We must be so cynical we can’t even recognize good news.

From the Philippine Daily Inquirer is this report: Mina’s veering off sparks text jokes in Albay. We hope you don’t mind if we’re occasionally serious.

But first a joke from Onionista. Typhoon Mina changed course, from B.S. Meteorology to A.B. Political Science and she’s now in Malacañang meeting with Gloria, Cerge Remonde,Ronnie Puno, and Ignacio Bunye, trying to spin the whirlwind and grab credit for the minimal destruction thus far.

Now for the serious weather jokes:

  1. “I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.”
  2. “In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.”
  3. Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Here’s the source of these corny jokes,

Now this is the source of the serious stuff. There are two mainstream methods in weather forecasting.

  1. The persistence method:This is the simplest way of producing a forecast. The persistence method assumes that the conditions at the time of the forecast will not change. For example, if it is sunny and 87 degrees today, the persistence method predicts that it will be sunny and 87 degrees tomorrow. If two inches of rain fell today, the persistence method would predict two inches of rain for tomorrow.
  2. Numerical Weather Prediction: Numerical Weather Prediction (NWP) uses the power of computers to make a forecast. Complex computer programs, also known as forecast models, run on supercomputers and provide predictions on many atmospheric variables such as temperature, pressure, wind, and rainfall. A forecaster examines how the features predicted by the computer will interact to produce the day’s weather. The NWP method is flawed in that the equations used by the models to simulate the atmosphere are not precise. This leads to some error in the predictions. In addition, the are many gaps in the initial data since we do not receive many weather observations from areas in the mountains or over the ocean. If the initial state is not completely known, the computer’s prediction of how that initial state will evolve will not be entirely accurate. Despite these flaws, the NWP method is probably the best of the five discussed here at forecasting the day-to-day weather changes. Very few people, however, have access to the computer data. In addition, the beginning forecaster does not have the knowledge to interpret the computer forecast, so the simpler forecasting methods, such as the trends or analogue method, are recommended for the beginner.

Weather forecasting shares some characteristics with economic and political forecasting. The forecasters never get sued.

You might be wondering why we’re in a good mood. We just got over a persistent tropical depression. Smile naman.

Posted in analysis, science, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

TPO responds to impecunious ex-PDI columnist

Posted by commiedyan on November 13, 2007

by Unsagani Ambut

Vic Mangosteen, who has been driven to peddling a nutritional extract from the fruit bearing his name, has trained his guns on TPO. Apparently, income from his fruity cock and bull (and his PR work) in a sub-standard daily and in his own web site, with its pathetic ads has not been enough. If you recall, he was unceremoniously driven out of PDI after he famously drenched the activist RC Constantino with a glass of water during a forum on charter change where RC exploded into one of his monologues in front of the House speaker.

Thereafter, allegations of unethical behavior, mainly his PR work, surfaced, leading to his forced resignation from the paper he worked so loyally with since its founding in 1985. We were also told that RC sought the help of Joel Rocamora, who flew with him to Siquijor to have a spell cast on Mangosteen.

We know what he wants from us, but we will not give in. In fact, we admit that the rumors he has been peddling about us are true. There is a nasty boardroom squabble in TPO, but this has not affected editorial operations at all, although the staff has had to suffer delayed salaries and a shortage of supplies. But we are driven more by the roots of our principles rather than the rotten fruit from the poisoned tree he lusts for.

Mangosteen is also right that our CEO and CFO are being investigated on their citizenship and on possible violations of the anti-dummy law. We in the editorial staff are cooperating and have told the SEC investigators that even if the two were to be eventually kicked out of the board and their executive responsibilities, we will survive. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in media, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

TPO exclusive: Streep, Hackman,MacLaine to join anti-GMA protest; to post cards from Makati (updated)

Posted by commiedyan on November 8, 2007

Meryl Streep, Gene Hackman, and Shirley MacLaine, along with former social welfare secretary Dinky Soliman arrived unannounced last night aboard a Vietnam Airlines flight from Phnom Penh, TPO has confirmed. The four will join leaders of the Black and White movement in the posting-cards-protest set for Friday in Makati.

TPO has also learned that postal employees, with the encouragement of Hector Villanueva, president of the Philippine Postal Corporation, which recently celebrated its centennial, would join the protest. Villanueva told us (sorry Hector but we never agreed to your request for anonymity) the protest demonstrates the continuing relevance of snail mail in the internet age. “I also can’t deny it’s a novel way of hectoring GMA,” he said over the phone.

Immigration agents are conducting a vigorous search for the three stars to serve them deportation orders hastily issued by the dictionally challenged immigration commissioner Marcelo Libanan upon orders of Malacanang, put on edge over the reports. We also learned that chief of staff Eduardo Ermita, in another indication that he is no longer in the good graces of GMA, has been tasked to count the postcards on arrival.

(Sorry guys but we can’t help you. All we can say is that from the airport, the four motored straight to the house of Manolo Quezon but left after an hour-long meeting to which not even Dolly Carvajal was invited).

Soliman, who is now based in Cambodia under a consultancy with the World Bank, had asked the stars to join her there for a few days en route to Manila.

TPO will be covering the event live via broadband services provided free by ZTE.

Update

We finally managed to reach Soliman, who told us the idea of inviting the leads of the movie that inspired Manolo came after bar-hopping in Phnom Penh, from The Heart of Darkness, to Apocalypse Now, and finally Happy Happy Pizza, where she came under some good influence. “I didn’t expect them to respond, but gosh…they all think Gloria is a clone of George W.” she added.

Meryl Streep has also e-mailed us: “She does look like the mother of The Manchurian Candidate.”

Posted in entertainment, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Cebu businessman sues guv’s brother for P10 M in damages

Posted by commiedyan on November 5, 2007

Cris Saavedra, alleged whistleblower in the CICC controversy, has filed a P10M damage suit against neophyte Rep. Pablo John Garcia for undue vexation leading to loss of face. The businessman had earlier filed a P1 libel suit against Governor Gwendolyn Garcia for calling him a “bald-headed creature.” In his new complaint, Saavedra claimed that Pablo John’s blog, caused him sleepless nights which gave him an unbearable scalp condition, leading him to seek expensive treatment which further led to an untreatable impairment of vision.

In his piece, Pablo John ridiculed the libel suit against his sister, for whom he was legal and humor consultant before his election to the House:

“Cris Saavedra says the Governor maligned him by calling him a “bald-headed creature. In libel, there is such a thing as “proof of the truth”, and provides a defense where the statement complained of is in itself true. I hope it is not Saavedra’s position that the Governor was lying when she said that because it might invite the Governor’s lawyers to mark his head in evidence. And that would make him a “marked” man in the literal sense of the word, and not just in the figurative sense, as he imagined himself to be when he sought the protection of Mayor Tomas Osmeña.”

TPO has learned that Saavedra’s expensive regimen exceeded all expectations. The upper half of his face has grown hair.

In an unrelated development, Pablo John told TPO he was not one of those who received a loot bag in the Palace. Because he did not claim a clear conscience, we are inclined not to disbelieve him. We would know, the loot would have gone straight to the TPO endowment.

During his law studies in UP, Pablo John stewarded and rescued The Philippine Collegian from a steep decline in readership with his wit and insight.

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Abalos gave thumbs up to spurious contract before resigning

Posted by commiedyan on November 3, 2007

by hands up!

On the heels of the controversial appointment of Iligan judge Muselin Macarambon to a vacancy at the Commission on Elections, a new scandal is brewing over a contract resigned chair Benjamin Abalos allegedly signed with a Philippine biotechnology firm to minimize spurious voting.

Hardly had the ink on Macarambon’s appointment papers dried when whistleblowers at the Comelec started pointing fingers at Abalos and Comelec spokesperson James Jimenez over the $659M deal with Philippine Newt Technologies Inc. (PNT). I tried but failed to reach the other commissioners yesterday.

A copy of the contract was released by Jimenez after complaints of ‘flying voters’ started to pile up over the recent barangay or village elections, where voters complained that neighbors were able to vote more than once. Others complained of dead people voting. But Jimenez explained that the old technology employed, swabbing indelible ink on a voter’s nail to prevent her/him from voting more than once, just didn’t work. “The cheats always found a more potent solvent to wash the mark off,” he said. Further, law-abiding voters also complained that the method was unhygienic and more importantly, destroyed expensive manicures, he said.

The PNT system is much simpler, Jimenez said. Right after a voter slips a ballot into the box, his right forefinger is cut off with a knife and the wound cannot escape notice in another voting precinct, he said. Because of the injectible protein invented and produced by PNT, the finger would regenerate before the next election. Also, Jimenez said, the cut portions would also serve to validate results in recounts requested by losing candidates.

The bone of contention, according to one of the whistleblowers, however, was that there was no guarantee that the fingers would grow back in time. She said she was party to clinical trials which showed that about 1 in 20, as a rule of thumb, did not grow back the appendage after two weeks.

As of press time, Mr. Harry Tu Co, CEO of PNT had explained to us that election inspectors could be relied upon to distinguish a fresh wound from gangrene. He also dismissed as highly speculative fears that the wayward limbs would grow into their owners clones.

Posted in politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Erap: I was tortured in Tanay

Posted by commiedyan on October 27, 2007

One of the Palace’s horsemen recently revealed that his master (the future ex-president, to be precise) had suffered sleepless nights over the grant of executive clemency to the immediate past ex. In the weeks prior, The Philippine Onion had stealthily obtained a copy of Erap’s diaries, and in the public interest, we now publish excerpts which show his own mental torture, in his own tortured words.

October 19, 2007 1:31 a.m.

To be or not to be, that is a question I would rather not be asked, or asked to explain. Mali yata.

Toby or not Toby. Mani yata yon,

Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary, over many a glass of Petrus…. Kung alam lang nila ang hirap na uminom ng mag-isa.

The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promisory notes to … Yan, eto na ang tama.

2:30 a.m.

As I paced in my living room, left and right, and up and down, I wondered, I asked, ‘Who was responsible for that dastardly act?’ And why are the negotiations for clemency suddenly so urgent? Am I the left or the right? Can I even tell which is right and left? Not to worry. My conscience is as clear as the smoke emanating from the blast. Does the bitch really think she can pin the blame on me and get away with it?

3:01

What if I accept the pardon? Wouldn’t that be finally recognizing the legitimacy of the bitch? Quesas.

3:03

If only the masses knew the loneliness I feel. Or, have I been deluding myself and them throughout all these years? Quesas.

3:05

Jimmy the Flame and Rene the Symbol have told me there is no way I can be acquitted by the Supreme Court. What is expected of me? I have drunk the cup of poison and all it did was to intoxicate me. Do the huddled masses expect me to take up arms against a sea of troubles and drown, or to suffer the pangs and arrows of outrageous fortune, and then be pardoned? That is an existentialist question if I ever saw one. Putang ina! Kung may dios, magpakita na!

I have cried and cried a river and a lake but what have I gotten in return? They didn’t even show up during and after the reading of the verdict. Dios ko po, dios ko po,. bakit nyo ako iniwan?

October 25, 3:00 p.m.

Matino na ang isip ko. Pretty soon, pretty soon, they will see what I refused to see.

Prison is more than a state of mind. And so is poverty.

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