The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Energy saving tips

In these times of rising energy prices we offer you these guaranteed, easy, and practical conservation tips.

  • If you don’t feel like getting out of bed, don’t. You’ll just end up pretending to work, annoying other people, and wasting energy.
  • Never do today what you can do some other time. This way you can always feel, any day, that you’ve helped ward off the potentially catastrophic consequences of global warming by a few days.
  • Don’t eat. Growing food consumes a lot of energy. And chewing food, a lot more.
  • When watching TV, slowly tone down the volume until you hear only a hiss. Eventually, you’ll learn how to read lips and save energy.
  • Practice doing regular chores with your eyes closed. Eventually, you will become allergic to artificial lighting, and stop cursing during power interruptions, which consumes more energy. You might also want to learn Braille.

Learn this general principle. Strive to have the most effect with the least movement. For example, when you are mad at someone, don’t shout or gesticulate, or hyperventilate. The dirty little finger is more efficient.

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