The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Manila pleasure-givers say no to US $

Posted by commiedyan on December 22, 2007

by e-kunomista

If there are still any doubts that the US dollar has not yet hit bottom, prostitutes in the red light districts of Manila just put those to rest: most are increasingly rejecting the greenback in favor of the euro, yuan, and yen. Among the most sophisticated in the world in the battle against HIV/AIDS Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, people, politics | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Gloria Arroyo dances dirty with sexy ZTE bombshells

Posted by commiedyan on December 17, 2007

Our special gift to loyal readers:

What a dull Christmas this has been, and so many issues will remain unresolved as the year ends. For one, the office of Senator Kiko Pangilinan has told TPO there will be no more hearings on the ZTE-NBN deal this year. So our readers won’t forget the villains in this drama, we’ve produced this special Christmas present(ation). The joke’s on us (double meaning intended). Please click on the photos to view characters and start the show, best viewed with broadband (parental guidance is advised). Downloading might be quirky, but it’s well worth the wait, so have patience and get yourself beer or tea. We suggest Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

December 24 to January 2 official Philippine holidays—Palace

Posted by commiedyan on December 16, 2007

Malacañang ‘open house’ on Christmas Day

December 24 to January 2 next year are official special holidays, Malacañang loudmouth Ignacio Bunye, who recently cheated death in Kuwait, announced yesterday. Assuaging concerns on lost productivity however, the national government has also decided to make at least five regular holidays next year, probably including Lenten holy days, regular work days.

“We are not kowtowing to the Catholic Church, this is simply part of the president’s policy on holiday economics,” Bunye said. Holiday economics is premised on the belief that the tourism benefits of lumping weekends and holidays into contiguous periods, far outweigh the costs of adjustment in the production sectors. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, economics, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Oh shit, that’s why it’s raining manure…

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

Over the past two decades, the use of fireworks to celebrate holidays has been on the downtrend, along with the associated injuries and deaths. We suppose this is a result mainly of either economic hardship or a simple change in preferences among merrymakers. Fireworks have also been getting more sophisticated with the benefit of ‘rocket science’ and displays are generally more awesome. But now this explosive scandal! ’Cracker makers deny using manure – INQUIRER.net:

“Hurting from claims that horse manure is being used in producing firecrackers, a leader of the pyrotechnic industry called the Department of Health “ignorant” about the manufacture of firecrackers and pyrotechnics.” So who’s telling the truth, the health officials or the industry spokesperson? So we went to investigate. Oh shit, the truth is even ‘far far worser.’

Posted in business, Malacañang, Nature | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

The incredible shrinking pan de sal

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

If you generally have bread for breakfast you’d already have noticed any of the following:

  • You’ve paid more for the usual quantity;
  • You’ve been having less for the same bill;
  • You’ve had the same number of pieces for the same bill.

The adjustment of choice for our local bakers is to shrink Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Ignore this at your own loss

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

Dear reader,

I have good news for you. Ignore this letter at your own loss, because this isn’t one of the scams the Central Bank has recently warned against as you will see if you read on.

First of all, while I promise you millions, how quickly you get the money is entirely up to you and the effort you put in the endeavor; this isn’t a scheme to turn iron into gold Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Statistics office drafts new guidelines on opinion surveys

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

On direct orders of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who has been unjustly accused of being the most corrupt president in Philippine history, the National Statistics Office has issued guidelines on the conduct of opinion surveys so these would no longer be based on ungrounded perceptions but on verifiable facts.

Our source at the NSO refused to provide us a copy of the draft but she explained the thrust of the document to us. In effect, survey organizations like Pulse Asia and Social Weather Stations would have to design the questionnaires to aid respondents in forming facts-based opinions. For example, in the matter of presidential corruption, the following yes or no questions could be suggested:

  1. Has the president ever given you a loot bag containing P500,000? P200,000? P50,000?
  2. Has an official close to the president offered you US $10M to withdraw from a government project? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

San Miguel Foods to Sumilao farmers: “cease to exist!”

Posted by commiedyan on December 11, 2007

The management of San Miguel Foods yesterday asked the Department of Agrarian Reform to issue a ‘cease to exist order‘ (CTO) against the farmers from Sumilao, Bukidnon who have been standing in the way of the company’s grandiose plans to transform all town residents into millionaires by allowing them to market the methane gas from its piggery.

The farmers, who walked for almost two months and 1,700 kilometers from Sumilao to Manila, earlier asked DAR secretary Nasser Pangandaman to issue a ‘cease and desist order‘ (CDO) against San Miguel’s illegal piggery. Last Friday, Pangandaman, asked the parties to submit their respective position papers by Monday so he could finally rule on the matter. We learned that during the farmers’ trek, the DAR secretary was busy picking his nose while counting the lizards on the ceiling that were discussing land reform. Or he could have been dreaming of lechon and dinuguan. Or he was just being cautious about not violationg the human rights of Danding Cojuangco…

So on Human Rights Day yesterday, the farmers, who held that their position and the issues were already well known to the secretary, wanted to humbly comply with the climate changing order. But they were prevented from entering the DAR compound on orders of Pangandaman himself. He would authorize the entry of only the farmers’ lawyers because the farmers were unkempt and he feared violence and that they might not leave etcetera etcetera. But the farmers stood their ground and said they were the claimants and not their lawyers.

There are a few Cebuano words whose meanings cannot be captured in Tagalog or English: Pastilan! Intaon! Lecheng yawa!

Posted in analysis, breaking news, economics, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Emir of Kuwait’s big fat flat joke almost made Gloria cry

Posted by commiedyan on December 11, 2007

Now that the emir of Kuwait, Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah, can no longer change his mind about saving Marilou Ranario from the noose, we can tell you the inside story of the crisis in Gloria Arroyo’s own mind. Something the emir whispered to her tested the woman’s determination to leave her legacy as a ‘tough’ leader and to have her place in the dustbin of history.

“I wan’t something in return. Our justice system requires that we hang someone else Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in foreign affairs, Malacañang | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A piece of our mind

Posted by commiedyan on December 10, 2007

Here’s a movie review we would have wanted to write ourselves on Lions for Lambs (produced by sheep), a fitting one for International Human Rights Day:

“The title of the movie Lions for Lambs is based on comment by a German General in World War I – he admired the British troops who were dying in the trenches, and held their officers in contempt. The movie tries to honor our troops while condemning the current crop of wars, politicians, and media”.

Posted in foreign affairs, media, security | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »