The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘crime’

Philippine Police to save energy with new policies

Posted by commiedyan on June 15, 2008

Over the weekend, the Philippine National Police submitted to alleged president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo two radical proposals which could potentially save the national government millions in law enforcement.

The first is for all policemen to use bicycles instead of cars, at the same time trimming the fat bellies which ex-PNP chief and human rights abuser Ping Lacson had vigorously campaigned against. The second is for all cops to be absolutely deskbound and idle.

The drawback to the first proposal is obvious. The PNP would have to appeal to all criminal types to use non-motorized transport as well, a tall order since criminals are thought to be better funded, and those which use bicycles would betray their provenance, which is of course, the police.

Arroyo, we’ve learned, dismissed the second proposal without a thought. “Isn’t that what they’ve been doing all along? Where’s the incremental benefit?”

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An ear for an ear

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Newly appointed Station 11 commander Superintendent Nelson Yabut was all ears when challenged by Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim to catch the criminal who snatched a pair of “catchy” two-toned gold clip earrings purchased from the Binondo jeweler ‘From ear to eternity’ from a jeepney passenger recently. In his haste, the thief also detached the ears of the woman from Cavite. Lim, who gained notoriety in a previous term for spray painting the homes of suspects with skulls and bones, has reportedly offered a reward to anyone who could deliver the perp’s ears on a silver platter.

Posted in police blather | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Amid rising violence, UP mulls conversion of fraternities into sororities

Posted by commiedyan on November 17, 2007

Dismissing howls of protest from homophobes, UP regents and the student council in Diliman are seriously considering the proposal of the gay community on campus (Gayups) to have all fraternities converted into sororities. Fraternities that resist conversion are to be banned or abolished. Gayups spokesperson Dante Remate told TPO it was high time to fight destructive machismo which breeds senseless violence with efforts to bring men closer to “their inner woman.”

A spate of inter-fraternity rumbles and fatal cases of hazing has rocked the Diliman campus that have largely remained unsolved, leading former senate president Jovito Salonga to resign from his UP fraternity.

While the sisterhood of men is still a distant dream, UP is as good a place as any to start realizing it, Remate said.

Posted in briefly noted, education | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Cops release description of Batasan blast suspect

Posted by commiedyan on November 14, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Investigators in Camp Karingal in Quezon City have released this brief description of one suspect in the Batasan bombing last night:

“Tall, dark and lean and said to be wearing the face of one Norberto Gonzales, graveyard security guard at the Metrobank branch across the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA) on East avenue.”

A P5 million reward has been offered by Gonzales’s employer for his speedy arrest and pardon.

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Edu Manzano chased away by Davide supporters

Posted by commiedyan on November 7, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Had the head of the Optical Media Board (OMB) not kept his cool, blood could have been shed on the sidewalk in front of Santi’s Deli on Timog avenue last night. Edu Manzano, known for his abrasiveness and short temper, had just come out of Santi’s when a crowd of dvd-mongers milled around him, murmuring “Davide, Davide, Davide.” But one of them recognized the OMB chief enforcer and warned his compatriots. They suddenly started chanting “Him pits j i m m y! J i m m y! Him pits J i m m y!”

At this point, according to witnesses, Manzano, who was with an unnamed woman in pink, appeared totally clueless. When he finally understood the situation, he gathered his wits and shopping bags, asked his companion to get into the SUV, made a face, and drove off.

The mongers use a diner beside the deli, whose customers they eye as patrons, as their base. Outside, you’d just see them carrying sheafs of dvd covers to hawk their wares.

Santi's on TimogTimes are hard, one of the mongers told TPO. Prices have been slashed by 30% because of low demand. They say they are just eking out a living in Manila after escaping the violence in Mindanao. But they have to play hide and seek with the enforcers all the time.

Santi’s is just over a kilometer away from the studios of ABS-CBN, where Manzano appears in an early morning show.

As of presstime, Manzano had not reported the incident to police.

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