One of the Palace’s horsemen recently revealed that his master (the future ex-president, to be precise) had suffered sleepless nights over the grant of executive clemency to the immediate past ex. In the weeks prior, The Philippine Onion had stealthily obtained a copy of Erap’s diaries, and in the public interest, we now publish excerpts which show his own mental torture, in his own tortured words.
October 19, 2007 1:31 a.m.
To be or not to be, that is a question I would rather not be asked, or asked to explain. Mali yata. Toby or not Toby. Mani yata yon, Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary, over many a glass of Petrus…. Kung alam lang nila ang hirap na uminom ng mag-isa. The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promisory notes to … Yan, eto na ang tama.
As I paced in my living room, left and right, and up and down, I wondered, I asked, ‘Who was responsible for that dastardly act?’ And why are the negotiations for clemency suddenly so urgent? Am I the left or the right? Can I even tell which is right and left? Not to worry. My conscience is as clear as the smoke emanating from the blast. Does the bitch really think she can pin the blame on me and get away with it?
What if I accept the pardon? Wouldn’t that be finally recognizing the legitimacy of the bitch? Quesas.
If only the masses knew the loneliness I feel. Or, have I been deluding myself and them throughout all these years? Quesas.
Jimmy the Flame and Rene the Symbol have told me there is no way I can be acquitted by the Supreme Court. What is expected of me? I have drunk the cup of poison and all it did was to intoxicate me. Do the huddled masses expect me to take up arms against a sea of troubles and drown, or to suffer the pangs and arrows of outrageous fortune, and then be pardoned? That is an existentialist question if I ever saw one. Putang ina! Kung may dios, magpakita na!
I have cried and cried a river and a lake but what have I gotten in return? They didn’t even show up during and after the reading of the verdict. Dios ko po, dios ko po,. bakit nyo ako iniwan?
October 25, 3:00 p.m.
Matino na ang isip ko. Pretty soon, pretty soon, they will see what I refused to see.
Prison is more than a state of mind. And so is poverty.