The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘impeachment’

Statistics office drafts new guidelines on opinion surveys

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

On direct orders of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who has been unjustly accused of being the most corrupt president in Philippine history, the National Statistics Office has issued guidelines on the conduct of opinion surveys so these would no longer be based on ungrounded perceptions but on verifiable facts.

Our source at the NSO refused to provide us a copy of the draft but she explained the thrust of the document to us. In effect, survey organizations like Pulse Asia and Social Weather Stations would have to design the questionnaires to aid respondents in forming facts-based opinions. For example, in the matter of presidential corruption, the following yes or no questions could be suggested:

  1. Has the president ever given you a loot bag containing P500,000? P200,000? P50,000?
  2. Has an official close to the president offered you US $10M to withdraw from a government project? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

House justice body rejects impeach bid under influence of strange substance

Posted by commiedyan on November 14, 2007

In an overwhelming 43-1 vote, the justice committee of the House voted down the impeachment bid filed by Ruel Pulido before noon today, a day after members voted that it was sufficient in shape, color, and taste.

They must have been under the influence of a known substance, Metro Manila police chief Geary Barias told TPO in a psychic interview. “Are you thinking what we’re thinking?” “Yes,” Barias said, adding psychically, “they all tested positive for metamphetamine hydrochloride, except for Rep. San Luis and Pulido, who tested positive for tetrahydrocannabinol. There is no chance of false positives here.”

Ever loyal to her highness, committee chair Mat Defensor, whose constipated shit grew into an ass-licking prodigal son, was seen scratching his ass and farting, Barias said. Asked for material evidence, the police chief only retorted “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

A congressman from Cebu said the complaint not only lacked sheep, it also smelled like a goat.

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, congress, politics | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

UP physics prof offers Filipino time machine to Rolex in impeachment bid

Posted by commiedyan on November 6, 2007

With hardly any chance the House majority leadership would allow a fortified impeachment bid against GMA, the only ray of hope now appears to be UP professor Joey Magpantay’s prototype Filipino Time Machine (FTM), with which, he assures us, we will never be late again. If talks succeed between Rolex Suplico and Magpantay, Rolex, Adel Tamano, and Harry Roque, with impeachment documents in hand, will be transported back to the Batasan to moments just before Ruel Pulido and Rep. Edgardo San Luis filed the original complaint before the chamber’s secretary general.

But a few delicate technical and financial issues need to be addressed. The strange contraption requires 1 gigawatt of electric power, almost 8% of the total in the entire Luzon grid. There would have to be proper coordination with the Wholesale Elecricity Spot Market (WESM), the National Transmission Company (NTC), National Power Corporation (NPC) and Meralco. Otherwise, the surge in demand as Joey flicks the switch at his backyard in the UP campus would cause voltage instability and even massive brownouts throughout Luzon.

Next hurdle is, who would foot the bill? Joey says it will take about one hour for the intrepid trio be atomized, sucked into the space-time vortex, and reconstituted, amended, and verified, at the targetted place. TPO calculations suggest that with 1 gigawatt for 60 minutes, at the wholesale time of use (TOU) rates of NPC of about P5 per kilowatthour, the electricity bill would amount to at least P5 million. The Black and White movement, we were told, is now passing the hat.

The most difficult problem, however, remains. The space-time pinpoint mechanism is not precise. Any little voltage and frequency perturbations might transport Suplico, Tamano, and Roque to Iloilo, Batac, or Taipei, and if things really get fouled up, back to the time of ex-presidents Diosdado Macapagal or Ferdinand Marcos.

Magpantay waxes optimistic that in due time and with scale economies, he might be able to offer the service to anyone willing to pay P1 million to be transported to better times. “How about if all the rest of our countrymen who can no longer endure the indignities of Arroyo want to time-travel as one?” we asked. “That is possible,” Joey said, but “the copper and coal required to pull that off could trigger a world economic crisis.”

Just before deadline we interviewed Rolex:

TPO: Que hora es segun tu reloj?

Rolex: Lo siento. No tengo reloj.

Posted in congress, politics, science, special reports | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »