The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘Mar Roxas’

2008 fearless forecasts (1): Mar, Korina to wed with complicated strings attached

Posted by commiedyan on December 24, 2007

(With this we start a series of fearless forecasts for 2008, conclusions from a multi-disciplinary team of astrologists, card-readers, psychics, political scientists, economists, psychologists, physicists, astronomers, archaeologists, microbiologists whom we brought together in a series of Delphi sessions. As usual, we assert that the burden of proof lies with those who disagree with us).

The political consultants of Senator Mar Roxas have long concluded that his romantic involvement with Korina Sanchez is a winner with respect to his chances of bagging the presidency in 2001. For one, they say, it gives him mass appeal. For another, it ‘lays to rest’ doubts about his being a ‘real man.’ We don’t buy that crap, but our experts say the couple will wed late next year, but with a web of complicated strings contained in a prenuptial agreement.

In brief, the two major condition is: If the costs of feigning romance and intimacy outweigh the trappings of political power for Roxas and the influence to be derived by Sanchez, the two will embark on a ‘no-contest’ annulment, with each throwing the charge of psychological incapacity against the other. Our resident psychologist says the case should be a no brainer for the judge, since, she says, the marriage vows are irrefutable proof of psychological incapacity.

Advertisements

Posted in analysis, entertainment, people, politics, special reports | Tagged: , , , | 10 Comments »

The strange humor of Queena Lee

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

by Old Spice
“Did you hear the joke about the man who was proud when he completed a jigsaw within 30 minutes? After all, it said ‘five to six years’ on the box.”
Self-made man: Where are you from? Harvard graduate: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions. Self-made man: Okay, where are you from, jackass (ass supplied by TPO editors)—?”

We should really refrain from making fun of other people’s jokes (see note below), or of people telling jokes, but those in Queena Lee Chua’s Inquirer column Saturday and the fact she was telling them is really funny. That’s because she wasn’t really joking. In fact, she was discussing the scientific basis of humor. And we find that funny. But you really should read it for yourself.

“Why do these jokes make us laugh (or at least smile)? In his bestselling book “Quirkology,” multiawarded British behavioral psychologist Richard Wiseman says that, many jokes have one thing in common—they make us feel superior. This arises because the person in the joke (like the man with the jigsaw) or a pompous figure (like the Harvard graduate) looks foolish, which by the way, is one reason politicians are often the butt of jokes.”

Queena Lee, no relation to Annabel Lee nor Christopher Lee, is married Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in education, people, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Oh yeah baby, what swell (political) parties we have

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Old Spice

The recent return from the dead of Philippine political parties has driven me to a fit of nostalgia, back to my Cole Porter songbook, specifically ‘What a swell party this is.” But sadly, nostalgia just isn’t what it used to be, according to the girlfriend and pen pal of Jean Paul Sartre, in her memoirs.

Mar Roxas has virtually announced his presidential bid in Pia Hontiveros’s Strictly Nonsensical, and Manny Villar has put his money where his future is: the Nacionalista Party. Villar’s claim to fame is his railroading of the Erap impeachment bid way back in 2000, and his tapping into the excess demand of the lower middle class for pigeon holes with Camella and Palmera Homes.

Roxas and Villar are courting the Erap vote. In the politics of addition, Roxas is even open to welcoming back into the fold the constipated Al Atienza, who refused to distribute condoms to his constituents in Manila; and worse, the Defensors, including the prodigal son who was farted out into existence by his dad. Watch out for the supporters of Villar, including the thugs, the brothers Remulla.

We’ve heard that the Lakas and Kampi are soon to merge as SQL (status quo league) but they are in limbo at the moment.

Following closely behind the LP, NP, and SQL is the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan with exactly two and a half members: the charming and compulsively bootlicking Imelda Marcos, and the spitting images of her asses, Oliver Lozano and Ely Pamatong, but I can’t tell you which of the latter is half-cocked. If Imelda manages to seduce Rick Abcede of the PCGG, the KBL will have two and three fourths.
Now for a bit of sexy news: the mother of Roxas asks her son, “Anong K mo if you don’t dump Korina?” She would rather have either Pinky Webb or Ara Mina.

Posted in analysis, breaking news, entertainment, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Mar Roxas’s prelude to a kiss

Posted by commiedyan on November 27, 2007

Yes, under the most liberal interpretation of party, the one that crowned Mar Roxas in Club Filipino yesterday certainly was, according to ANC’s Ricky Carandang. But what kiss are we talking about here? From his girlfriend who can’t decide whether Mar is the man of the hour, a celebrity of the day, or the flavor of the month? A kiss of death?

The first concrete indication of Mar Roxas’s presidential dream was his kowtowing to the local multinational cement lobby when he was still trade and industry secretary. Little did he know at the time that the entry of cheaper cement imports not only rejuvenated the local construction industry but also improved air quality in Metro Manila. How so? Because at that time the 18 cement factories within the Metro Manila air shed were operating at just around 50% of capacity, and studies by the Philippine Institute of Development Studies had clearly indicated a local cartel.

During the recent senate hearing on oil prices, Senator Roxas was again dancing to a populist tune, knowing fully well his questions were really just rhetorical. While we support his effort in enacting a good anti-trust law, we wonder whether he will really proceed with that and fight the cement cartel, among others, concretely.

Have a good one, Mar. And see you in 2010.

P.S.

Here’s a good one from SunStar Iloilo.

Posted in briefly noted, economics, religion, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Toward a new generation of Filipino heroes

Posted by commiedyan on November 26, 2007

(We warn our dear readers that the foregoing analysis by our resident economist, e-kunomista, is not for the squeamish and fainthearted. It is rated PG35).

The depreciation of the once-mighty dollar is endangering the country’s economic growth, fueled the past few years by remittances from overseas Filipino workers, now fighting a Sisyphean and losing battle against the forces of globalization over which they have no control: the more they sweat, the less the value of their labor.

What is to be done?

The answer is right under, and slightly above our very noses, and even in our gut. We have been contemplating the story of justice secretary Raul Gonzales, who, we have been told by sources in the Makati Medical Center, had a healthy pair of kidneys until these rejected the body of their owner. Fortunately for Mr. Gonzales, one kidney of his loyal driver shared the sentiment of its master.

We do not wish the good secretary ill, for we normally do not make fun of the senile—we say this with all sincerity because we cannot be compelled to take a polygraph test— but we have been told his other internal organs might follow his discarded kidneys, politicized and now making a lot of political noise in that hospital. He has also said that he has just come back from hell, and if there really is a hell, we say, practice makes perfect. But so much for Mr. Gonzales, suffice it to say, we wish him a more speedy recovery.

Filipinos, especially the poor and unemployed, have an excess of internal organs and useless limbs, and if only these could be sold at fair market value, we can be well on our way to a more equitable and sustainable development, using a more visceral interpretation of human capital touted by the World Bank.

Equitable because there is no need for a trickle-down effect, as market development, on the supply side, should start with the third decile in the income distribution. We estimate that the kidneys of these people alone would lead to an immediate 5% reduction in poverty incidence. But, you ask, is that sustainable?

Silly question, for biochemistry teaches us that the lighter the body mass, the lower is the energy required for its sustenance—addressing as well escalating petroleum prices. Secondly, why stop at kidneys? We can proceed with slivers of liver, which have regenerative capabilities. More importantly, we can reduce the digestive tracts, the source of the nasty gastric juices responsible for those embarrassing hunger statistics. There seems to be no scarcity of serendipity here, for we can also encourage the sale of testicles to address the population problem. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, economics, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

TPO goes to senate disguised as Pravda

Posted by commiedyan on November 20, 2007

by Old Spice

We went to the senate to cover two hearings yesterday. One on the national broadband network, and the other on petroleum prices.

The first thing we noticed was security in the compound and inside the building was a joke. We were not frisked, and no one asked for names. But the guard had not heard of The Philippine Onion, so we said we were from Pravda and were waved in. I could have strapped 3 kilos of TNT around my sinewy body but I wasn’t suicidal then.

But I did become homicidal on seeing Senator Mar Roxas and Energy Secretary Angelo Reyes having a dog and pony show about deregulating and re-regulating the oil industry. At some point, I thought, what were these guys smoking? And who has Roxas been dating?

Posted in briefly noted, congress | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »