The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘mining’

Repent and prepare…

Posted by commiedyan on November 21, 2007

Onionista

If the rains don’t stop, I might start heeding the strange voices I’ve been hearing. The neighborhood’s getting flooded, at a time when Manila Water and its contractors are digging up the roads to expand the sewer system.

I don’t understand the way they work. They dig, they leave, and come back weeks later. Reminds me of a labor song which goes “Drill ye tarriers drill…” “Slow men at work,” the signs say.

Anyway, there’s another storm on the horizon. That is to say, it will soon be in the PAR or Philippine Area of Responsibility, as Gretchen Fullido and Caroline Howard would say. I wonder how our weathermen thought that up. Can they really take full responsibility and thus be open to liability suits? (Rep. Tomoy, what say you?)

I’ve been hearing these voices telling me to repent and prepare. Gather paper and wood and your sex toys for soon comeuppance will be upon you. “Onionista, pick a sample each of all species, of all permutations of political persuasion and gender, and guide them into the boat you will build.” “Leftists, fore, portside; Rightists, starboard, aft; gays and lesbians, to the engine room!””The rest, gangplank!”

As you might already know, I’m skeptical of strange voices, especially because they come when I’m cleaning my ears with Johnson’s cotton buds after my monthly bath. But I’m beginning to change my mind. Just the other day, I was listening to radio and Tina Monson Palma was discussing the subject with her authoritative guests. Read the rest of this entry »

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Vic Mangosteen is ripe again; we’re going public

Posted by commiedyan on November 19, 2007

Vic Mangosteen, the ex-PDI columnist who was the victim of our calumny recently, is right again. The Philippine Onion will be offering shares to the public, hopefully before the end of the year. By that time, everything old would be new again.
Management has authorized us to release the following information:

  • TPO has hired IPO consultant the zoftig Rhona Tan Nathan, estranged wife of Ron Nathan, that joke/r of a stock analyst for PDI, and cousin of Dante Tan, otherwise referred to by investors who lost their Victoria’s and Vittorio’s secret underwear in the BW scam as Kawa Tan.
  • Management considered a backdoor listing but balked because the basura (garbage) stocks among Ricky Carandangs favorites have been hyped up beyond our means. These are supposed to be, or soon to be engaged in mining, including the first gentleman’s nose, said to be full of stalactites and stalagmites, not to mention anthracite and lignite, major fuels warming the globe. The rumor that’s been going around the local bourse on Matias Defensor‘s prodigal son and Geograce Resources has just been confirmed. The price of GEO has more than tripled in the past 52 weeks.
  • We’ve also been asked to apologize in advance to the lovely but sad Cilette Liboro and the bubbly Martha Vinzons, who might twist their tongues pronouncing the names of the aforementioned in one sentence in their market updates on ANC.
  • Management also hereby apologizes to John Mangun, who was considered for advisorship. But a recent Social Weather Stations (SWS) survey indicated that only exactly 4.01% of investors consider bald or balding analysts credible. So sorry John.

We’ll be releasing a bulletin on the IPO before the end of November. Meanwhile, you can visit the SEC and PSE sites for rumors and gossip.

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