The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘paranormal’

TPO responds to impecunious ex-PDI columnist

Posted by commiedyan on November 13, 2007

by Unsagani Ambut

Vic Mangosteen, who has been driven to peddling a nutritional extract from the fruit bearing his name, has trained his guns on TPO. Apparently, income from his fruity cock and bull (and his PR work) in a sub-standard daily and in his own web site, with its pathetic ads has not been enough. If you recall, he was unceremoniously driven out of PDI after he famously drenched the activist RC Constantino with a glass of water during a forum on charter change where RC exploded into one of his monologues in front of the House speaker.

Thereafter, allegations of unethical behavior, mainly his PR work, surfaced, leading to his forced resignation from the paper he worked so loyally with since its founding in 1985. We were also told that RC sought the help of Joel Rocamora, who flew with him to Siquijor to have a spell cast on Mangosteen.

We know what he wants from us, but we will not give in. In fact, we admit that the rumors he has been peddling about us are true. There is a nasty boardroom squabble in TPO, but this has not affected editorial operations at all, although the staff has had to suffer delayed salaries and a shortage of supplies. But we are driven more by the roots of our principles rather than the rotten fruit from the poisoned tree he lusts for.

Mangosteen is also right that our CEO and CFO are being investigated on their citizenship and on possible violations of the anti-dummy law. We in the editorial staff are cooperating and have told the SEC investigators that even if the two were to be eventually kicked out of the board and their executive responsibilities, we will survive. Read the rest of this entry »

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Palace stirred but not shaken by CPP/NPA attack

Posted by commiedyan on November 9, 2007

As thousands marched and joined the card-posting-protest with nice police around (CPP/NPA) organized by the Black and White movement (B&WM) at noon yesterday, the national security cluster in the palace was convened to assess the threat. Traffic was not unduly disrupted because of the cooperation of the Makati police, who expressed support for the action.At exactly 15 minutes past noon, the disciplined protesters marched from the staging area at the base of the Aquino monument on Ayala and Paseo avenues to the Makati Central Post Office just 400 meters away, where they were welcomed by postal employees who could not hide their pleasure at the record-breaking patronage. In fact, one of them signed a card for posting by TPO. The cards are to serve as notices of eviction to GMA as the Pinoy Big Briber.

Seen at the march were Enteng Romano, Dan Songco, Lea Navarro, Manolo Quezon, Karen Tanada of B&WM; Berthie Lim of the Makati Business Club; former UP vice president Ma. Serena Diokno with a small contingent from Diliman; Butch Abad of the Liberal Party; and Raffy Albert of Akbayan.

Not shown in photo are Babalu, Panchito, and Nida Blanca.

TPO’s laser-guided automatic crowd estimator placed attendance at between 250 and 10,000, but we manually counted only 249. Thus we take our best unbiased estimate to be the median, 5,125, as the correct figure we will defend to the death. Manolo has a more conservative estimate.

Also seen at the scene were Dolphy (much trimmer since we last saw him) and a trio who resembled Panchito, Babalu and Nida Blanca. Our photographer swears she took their photos but only the background remained after the images were downloaded to our server. We were however, able to verify the presence of Maurice Arcache, there ostensibly to greet his palanggas, including Gretchen Barreto and a group of socialites we could not identify.

“This is a good sign,” Romano told TPO, “signifying convergence in the sentiments of the various classes in society.”

Nowhere to be found were the lead actors of Postcards from the Edge, the acclaimed movie in Manolo Quezon’s mind. Perhaps our sources lied to us. Or maybe we lied. We are still investigating ourselves. But Dinky Soliman, in an e-mail to TPO, insisted it was she and not a lookalike who was seen with the stars at the NAIA Thursday night. She said she was back in Phnom Penh where she helped distribute protest shirts to a group of Filipinos who marched to the Philippine embassy.

In the Palace later in the afternoon, presidential management staff chief Cerge Remonde told TPO that the honest and hard-working GMA liked the postcard design. However, she vetoed the suggestion of chief of staff Eduardo Ermita that the cards be read one by one in the next cabinet meeting so GMA could show her openness and sincerity, after dismissing suggestions by her national security adviser, Norberto Gonzales, that the cards could be laced with anthrax. “That will set a bad precedent!” she allegedly said, banging the table. “I will not tolerate any further distraction from the serious business of governing.”

She then directed press secretary Ignacio Bunye to closely monitor foreign press reports on the protest, which was covered among others by Washington Pest managing editor Victor Woodward and New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, and Pepa Bueno of TVE.

cpp activists await their turn to buy stamps

photos by Ai_ai Sy Yu

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Dead men talking

Posted by commiedyan on October 31, 2007

by Ai-ai Sy Yu

Time to rise! This was what my editor shouted through the speaker phone when I took his call at six last night. I’m glad I did, for otherwise I would not be able to tell you this story.

I arrived at the scene, near the mall just before Commonwealth springs a tooth on the right to the UP campus, about two minutes before six, to find the area nearly deserted except for an unusual deployment of anti-riot police in full battle gear. I quickly learned they were to block a throng of marchers planning to lay siege to the House of Representatives on Halloween. After a while, an officer with a bullhorn was shouting “Stop!”
Bystanders were confused for they could not see whoever it was he was addressing. I wasn’t, and that was precisely why I got the assignment. I could see. About 3,000 thousand dead men and women, heads bowed, with nothing on, taking half steps until the leaders were toe to toe with the officer with the horn, who looked crazy shouting at no one. “Stop!” he said again. And they did. One of them whispered into the officer’s ear:
What’s the problem? We’re not obstructing anything are we?
You have no permit, and that’s against the law and we will disperse you within the hour, the officer replied.
The standoff was resolved four hours after Speaker Jose de Venecia arrived, having interrupted his holiday just to help untangle the traffic mess which had built up since I arrived.

This is what really happened. The dead, for the first time in our country’s history, had organized themselves to exercise their constitutional right to seek redress of grievances. It seems they had suffered all the injustices (dilapidated cemeteries, unauthorized use of their names in elections, frequent misquotations by the living) in silence. But what broke the silence in the cemeteries was the news that Joseph Estrada had been pardoned and that his civil and political rights (except to be elected) had been restored.

What about us? They asked. In the barangay elections we were accused of being flying voters. We can fly but we are no longer registered, they protested. Yet, what part of the national and local budgets are allocated for us to rest in peace? Nada! And we have not even asked for research funds to help retrieve is from limbo.

I must say that like the living, the dead have their own political biases or predispositions, and even party loyalties. The marchers came from the five most heavily populated cemeteries in Metro Manila. Yet they came together to have their voices heard. To name a few of the organizations with their conflicting advocacies:

  1. fDc or free us from death coalition was the most militant, along with
  2. NSD or never say die; and
  1. RIP self-explanatory
  2. Move.On.Na (extremely moderate)

Yet these four organizations were one in their demands to JdV, who confronted them pale-faced and deadpan. What choices were he really left with at the time? I will not judge him, but it in the spirit of Halloween I will give you this list:

  1. On resources for the dead. He would press for allocation of 0.0001 per cent of budget to clean cemeteries, including installing biodigesters to produce methane for energy;
  2. On bio research, P1 B for bio-engineering in case dead want to be alive again. (safe and morally ambiguous program for pro-life and pro-choice) For living who want to be (mentally) dead, JdV said, he would support their election to Congress).
  3. On political participation, JdV agreed that the dead are the largest constituency that has not had a party list party. He would support this with seed funds and the suggested name Kumpetai.
  4. On the anomalies in the village elections, JdV said he would lead the purging of voters lists by eliminating illegally registered dead voters.

Finally, the Speaker urged the dead to withhold judgment on the living. After all, he said, he and Gloria were still alive. (Shame on you, he whispered to me ,in his usual deniable monotone).

Ai-ai Sy Yu is a certfied paranormal investigative reporter for TPO, but we do not guarantee her reports as we have never met her. But we stand by her account.

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