The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘philippine politics’

Neri:”Im gay…so what? You happy now?”

Posted by commiedyan on March 1, 2008

Romulo Neri has broken his silence about his sexuality. In an exclusive interview with TPO, he claimed he has “never hidden his sexual preferences from his boyfriends.”

“I’ve been honest with all of them… unfortunately I can’t be honest with you about the ZTE deal, you have to give me more time to find my balls, it’s been a long time since I played with them.”

“You of all people should know that since TPO advertises itself as a radical paper,” Neri said. (os)

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, people | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Hillary’s camp panics, links Barack to ZTE scam in the Philippines

Posted by commiedyan on February 12, 2008

Victor Woodward

Smarting from recent losses in key primaries, Hillary Clinton has not only replaced her campaign manager but has also instructed her lieutenants to start a new smear job against Barack Obama. This time, Obama is being linked to the ZTE scandal in the Philippines which might lead to the resignation of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo soon.

Clinton staffers are peddling to media that part of the kickback advances by ZTE officials has found its way into Obama’s campaign coffers. How that came to be is the subject an investigative story that is to come out in the New York Times over the weekend.

Obama, however, remains unfazed and claims that Mrs. Arroyo is helping his opponent so she could make a deal should Hillary succeed Bush. “There is no way for Mrs. Arroyo but down…if Hillary wants to go to bed with a corrupt Asian leader, that’s her call,” he said.

(Note: Mr. Woodward of the Washington Pest has recently been appointed as TPO’s contributing editor based in the US capital.) 

Posted in analysis, breaking news, foreign affairs | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

Manila pleasure-givers say no to US $

Posted by commiedyan on December 22, 2007

by e-kunomista

If there are still any doubts that the US dollar has not yet hit bottom, prostitutes in the red light districts of Manila just put those to rest: most are increasingly rejecting the greenback in favor of the euro, yuan, and yen. Among the most sophisticated in the world in the battle against HIV/AIDS Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, people, politics | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Gloria Arroyo dances dirty with sexy ZTE bombshells

Posted by commiedyan on December 17, 2007

Our special gift to loyal readers:

What a dull Christmas this has been, and so many issues will remain unresolved as the year ends. For one, the office of Senator Kiko Pangilinan has told TPO there will be no more hearings on the ZTE-NBN deal this year. So our readers won’t forget the villains in this drama, we’ve produced this special Christmas present(ation). The joke’s on us (double meaning intended). Please click on the photos to view characters and start the show, best viewed with broadband (parental guidance is advised). Downloading might be quirky, but it’s well worth the wait, so have patience and get yourself beer or tea. We suggest Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Oh shit, that’s why it’s raining manure…

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

Over the past two decades, the use of fireworks to celebrate holidays has been on the downtrend, along with the associated injuries and deaths. We suppose this is a result mainly of either economic hardship or a simple change in preferences among merrymakers. Fireworks have also been getting more sophisticated with the benefit of ‘rocket science’ and displays are generally more awesome. But now this explosive scandal! ’Cracker makers deny using manure – INQUIRER.net:

“Hurting from claims that horse manure is being used in producing firecrackers, a leader of the pyrotechnic industry called the Department of Health “ignorant” about the manufacture of firecrackers and pyrotechnics.” So who’s telling the truth, the health officials or the industry spokesperson? So we went to investigate. Oh shit, the truth is even ‘far far worser.’

Posted in business, Malacañang, Nature | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

The incredible shrinking pan de sal

Posted by commiedyan on December 15, 2007

If you generally have bread for breakfast you’d already have noticed any of the following:

  • You’ve paid more for the usual quantity;
  • You’ve been having less for the same bill;
  • You’ve had the same number of pieces for the same bill.

The adjustment of choice for our local bakers is to shrink Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Ignore this at your own loss

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

Dear reader,

I have good news for you. Ignore this letter at your own loss, because this isn’t one of the scams the Central Bank has recently warned against as you will see if you read on.

First of all, while I promise you millions, how quickly you get the money is entirely up to you and the effort you put in the endeavor; this isn’t a scheme to turn iron into gold Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in business, economics, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Statistics office drafts new guidelines on opinion surveys

Posted by commiedyan on December 14, 2007

On direct orders of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who has been unjustly accused of being the most corrupt president in Philippine history, the National Statistics Office has issued guidelines on the conduct of opinion surveys so these would no longer be based on ungrounded perceptions but on verifiable facts.

Our source at the NSO refused to provide us a copy of the draft but she explained the thrust of the document to us. In effect, survey organizations like Pulse Asia and Social Weather Stations would have to design the questionnaires to aid respondents in forming facts-based opinions. For example, in the matter of presidential corruption, the following yes or no questions could be suggested:

  1. Has the president ever given you a loot bag containing P500,000? P200,000? P50,000?
  2. Has an official close to the president offered you US $10M to withdraw from a government project? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Asian lady senator abducted, released in London

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

London (Reuters)—A prominent lady senator from Asia was reported missing at dawn here Saturday but surfaced dazed and half-naked in the lobby of the Britania Intercon in Grosvenor Square around noon today. Sources in the intelligence community said the senator had been under surveillance by agents of MI5 and MI6 and that she was actually arrested inside the British Museum where she suddenly burst into laughter before an exhibit of Egyptian artifacts, terrorizing other visitors. Only the timely and expert intervention of the curator prevented a stampede, according to our source who identified himself as JB. The British Official Secrets Act bars Reuters from publishing her name or nationality. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in breaking news, foreign affairs, people, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Drunks have human rights too

Posted by commiedyan on December 9, 2007

Some self-proclaimed leaders of ‘civil’ society have recently appointed themselves guardians of the peace as well. This time they are not after pornography, nor litter bugs, nor gun-toting machos, nor geriatric rapists. They’re raising a hue and cry against drunks, specifically the right of drunks to homeward mobility.

Their concern seems valid at first glance. A man was recently convicted for the killing inside a jeepney of a another man who complained the drunk had been making unwanted advances on his wife. Well, we say good riddance to the killer. But now the guardians of the peace are pushing for a law which bars drunks from getting onto public transport to get home.

So what are drunks to do?

  1. Sleep upright inside one of Bayani Fernando’s pink abominations?
  2. Shack up for the night with a GRO? (some of our friends, like Taroogs, might say that would be an expansion of civil liberties, but we reserve comment).
  3. Walk to another bar and drink some more? (All drunks drink moderately, again and some more).

Well, how about simply driving home? While it is illegal in the Philippines to drive without a license, driving without a car is not, which goes to show just how wise our congressmen are. For as long as they have third party liability insurance, why not? And what possible damage can a drunk driving without a car inflict in a collision Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »