The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘philippine politics’

Cebollas sin lagrimas: gold tumbles on ‘medalla de oro’ award to Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 6, 2007

by Henry C. Bollas

London (via ZTE broadband)–World commodity markets were inundated early today with sell orders for spot and futures gold as the news sunk in of alleged Philippine president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo getting the ‘medalla de oro‘ award Tuesday from the Universidad de Alcala in Madrid. The highest civilian award was conferred allegedly for Arroyo’s “defense of human rights, particularly her role in abolishing the death penalty in the Philippines.”

Que calamidad! Arroyo de lagrimas! (Flood of tears!)” a stock trader at the Bovespa in Madrid said. At the Chicago Mercantile Board, an analyst said “gold has lost half its luster forever.” She revealed hedge funds were dumping gold in favor of oil and onions. Oil prices had begun to slide despite the decision of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries to maintain current production levels, probably because of a recent Japanese invention curtailing demand. Oil bets are now off, the lady said. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in breaking news, business, economics, foreign affairs, politics, religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Faking our way to the First World and beyond

Posted by commiedyan on December 5, 2007

by e-kunomista

As Christmas nears, banks and the Central Bank have been deluged by reports of fake currency in circulation. According to ANC’s Charo Logarta, the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas (BSP) normally receives about P100,000 worth of fake bills from commercial banks each month. But what about the fake bills which have thus far not been detected? No one really knows. Before the congressional elections this year, fake P1000, 500, and 100 bills were reported to have been used to buy votes. But so what?

Detecting counterfeit

According to currency experts at the central bank, there is a simple way to ascertain genuine and legal tender with a cheap magnifying glass. Just look under the name Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, business, economics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Our disappearing civil liberties, or why some liberties are greater than others, especially if you have been forced to disappear

Posted by commiedyan on December 4, 2007

by Onionista

Speaking with her now legendary candor and sincerity, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo said she was sorry about the sorry plight of reporters who had been cuffed and bussed off to Bicutan for ‘processing.’ “I am sorry,” said she as her nose glowed even with the bright lights in the Malacanang press briefing room. Just a few hours later, around 20 million Filipinos were placed under house arrest in Metro Manila and adjacent regions with what former UP law dean Raul Pangalangan said was an unconstitutional 12-5 a.m. curfew. The streets of the capital were eerier than on Good Fridays in a country dominated by nominally devout Catholics. Only the lord, if there is a lord, knows how many agogo dancers, carnappers, akyat-bahay gangsters, hotblooded teenagers, restless and bored husbands, matronas and their dance attorneys, balut vendors, wanderlustful congressmen had their freedom of movement curtailed, with dire consequences not only for the formal and informal sectors of the economy, but also on the freedom-seeking human spirit.

The ubiquitous checkpoints prompted a variation of the second law of cartoon physics: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until a checkpoint appears, in which case kotong will have to be paid for the body to regain its momentum. If no kotong is paid, the body will disappear until a writ of amparo makes it reappear.

More recently, the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) subpoenaed Maria Ressa of ABS-CBN to investigate the network’s alleged involvement in Oplan Peninsula. The subpoena was served after Malacañang, taking liberties with the word ‘dialogue’ proposed a meeting between the PNP/AFP and the press. Ressa has reportedly sent a conciliatory text message to interior and local government secretary Ronnie Puno: go fuck and talk Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, foreign affairs, Malacañang, media, security, special reports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Oplan Peninsula:Rebellion charges to be dropped, civilian captives freed

Posted by commiedyan on December 3, 2007

Rebellion without a clue, rebellion with improbable cause mulled

 

Old Spice with analysis by Inodoro Nila

State prosecutors as of four this morning were considering dropping charges for rebellion and inciting to rebellion filed by the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) against 26 military officers and 24 civilians in connection with the failed Oplan Peninsula. The charges are to be amended to rebellion without a clue for the military and ex-military suspects and rebellion with an improbable cause for the civilians, TPO has learned. But deliberations at the Captain’s Bar at the Manila Pavilion ended without a clear decision, bartenders said.

Journalists ‘invited’ for questioning had earlier been released without charges. The military suspects will also be charged with jaywalking for ignoring green lights in their march from J.P. Rizal to the hotel last Thursday.

The clock run out on the prosecutors 7 a.m. Saturday, according to UP Human Rights Institute executive director Ibarra Gutierrez Jr., and defense lawyers are set to file illegal detention charges against police.

Stung and humiliated by a series of rebuffs by the Supreme Court in related cases in the past two years, state prosecutor Manny Velasco reportedly wants to be more circumspect. He was quoted to be mumbling to himself “If the case is hit and miss, dismiss.” Sources close to the family say he changed after reading the The Prosecution-driven Life by the evangelist Raul Gonzales, whose healthy kidneys recently rebelled against him.

The CIDG is also set to invite Inquirer columnist Patricia Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, breaking news, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Magdalo offer $100 reward for ‘kick me out’ sticker on Arroyo

Posted by commiedyan on December 2, 2007

by Mon Tofu

Responding to the government’s offer of P1 million for information aiding the capture of renegade Capt. Nicanor Faeldon, the underground Magdalo, composed of active and inactive military officers, has offered its own reward: $100 for any overseas Filipino worker who could tack a ‘kick me out sign’ on Gloria Arroyo’s back during her seven-day visit to Europe. In addition, the OFW would also be entitled to $100 worth of mobile phone credits available for global roaming.

The most recent rebel military adventure has drawn mixed reactions in the country and worldwide. Those arrested are still awaiting a decision by the justice department on whether the charges filed by police have probable cause. Faeldon has been charged in absentia.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer quoted Arroyo’s statement before she left last night: “I hereby direct all our government departments and agencies, especially our security and defense forces, to remain vigilant and flush out any remaining threats to national security and public safety in the country, while at the same time restoring among our people a state of normalcy and calm.”

According to Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, the Magdalo reward comes from the Makati Business Club, and the phone credit was pledged by Globe Telecoms, lending credence, she said, to suspicions that the coup plotters are being financed by big business. She also called Oplan Peninsula a “harebrained idea hatched by narcissistic fungus-faced attention-grabbing lollipop-sucking nonbreast-fed amateurs.” We tried but failed to reach MBC executive director Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in briefly noted, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The strange humor of Queena Lee

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

by Old Spice
“Did you hear the joke about the man who was proud when he completed a jigsaw within 30 minutes? After all, it said ‘five to six years’ on the box.”
Self-made man: Where are you from? Harvard graduate: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions. Self-made man: Okay, where are you from, jackass (ass supplied by TPO editors)—?”

We should really refrain from making fun of other people’s jokes (see note below), or of people telling jokes, but those in Queena Lee Chua’s Inquirer column Saturday and the fact she was telling them is really funny. That’s because she wasn’t really joking. In fact, she was discussing the scientific basis of humor. And we find that funny. But you really should read it for yourself.

“Why do these jokes make us laugh (or at least smile)? In his bestselling book “Quirkology,” multiawarded British behavioral psychologist Richard Wiseman says that, many jokes have one thing in common—they make us feel superior. This arises because the person in the joke (like the man with the jigsaw) or a pompous figure (like the Harvard graduate) looks foolish, which by the way, is one reason politicians are often the butt of jokes.”

Queena Lee, no relation to Annabel Lee nor Christopher Lee, is married Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in education, people, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Gloria film gets ‘X’ for obscene nose

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

MTRCB censors gave an ‘X’ rating to “A Day in the Life of Gloria,” an animation film which shows President Arroyo’s nose growing after she says “I am sorry.” Artists cried ‘conspiracy’ Friday after the board also Xed another film, Mendiola. The two films were excluded from a short film festival called ‘Kontra-Agos’ because of the ratings.

ABS-CBN reported that MTRCB reviewer Mark Castrodes “dismissed the artists’ accusations as baseless conspiracy theories…the films were given an X-rating because they put government in a bad light. They should at least have covered her nose with a handkerchief, otherwise she would be seen as lying.

Read the full report here:Repression or paranoia? Filmmakers cry foul over short films’ ‘X’ rating.

Posted in briefly noted, entertainment, Malacañang, politics | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Curfew nets P1.5M in kotong

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

by Mon Tofu

The curfew imposed from midnight to 5 a.m. in the wake of the ‘protest action’ by Sen. Antonio Trillanes and Gen . Danilo Lim yesterday, netted a total of P1.5 million in kotong (petty bribes) from Metro Manila residents who were mostly unaware of it, police sources said. In a press briefing last night, national police chief Avelino Razon said that those manning police checkpoints had been warned not to demand kotong. However, our sources said the collections were centralized at the various police stations in the interest of transparency and proper accounting.

Among those caught violating the emergency regulation, dubbed by human rights lawyers as unconstitutional, were balut vendors, striptease dancers, drunks, and vagrants.

Kotong is one of the major complaints of public utility drivers reeling from rising gasoline prices.

Posted in breaking news, briefly noted, police blather, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Why ‘Oplan Peninsula’ was doomed from the start

Posted by commiedyan on November 30, 2007

by Old Spice

Faulty analysis and poor planning doomed the rebellion led by Senator Antonio Trillanes and Gen. Danilo Lim from the very beginning. Our conclusion is based on copies of documents recovered from the Manila Peninsula last night and accounts from our sources in Malacañang.

The first sign that something was awry was the absence of crowds when the two former military officers arrived at the hotel shortly before noon yesterday. Because of the drizzle, supporters of the duo stayed at home or in their offices, opting to give only ‘moral’ support. This in turn accounted for why the various commands which ‘were in on the plan’ stayed in barracks, as the support was conditional on the presence of massive civilan support.

But what really put the nail in the coffin of ‘Oplan Peninsula’ was something else. According to Cerge Remonde, who requested anonymity, there was a palpable sense of restlessness when the cabinet convened shortly after 1:30 p.m. Even with the government’s unquestioned superiority of force, Remonde said, some cabinet officials were simply tired of the never-ending calls for resignation and were prepared to ask the president to let go for the sake of the economy. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, Malacañang, politics, security | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Oh yeah baby, what swell (political) parties we have

Posted by commiedyan on November 28, 2007

by Old Spice

The recent return from the dead of Philippine political parties has driven me to a fit of nostalgia, back to my Cole Porter songbook, specifically ‘What a swell party this is.” But sadly, nostalgia just isn’t what it used to be, according to the girlfriend and pen pal of Jean Paul Sartre, in her memoirs.

Mar Roxas has virtually announced his presidential bid in Pia Hontiveros’s Strictly Nonsensical, and Manny Villar has put his money where his future is: the Nacionalista Party. Villar’s claim to fame is his railroading of the Erap impeachment bid way back in 2000, and his tapping into the excess demand of the lower middle class for pigeon holes with Camella and Palmera Homes.

Roxas and Villar are courting the Erap vote. In the politics of addition, Roxas is even open to welcoming back into the fold the constipated Al Atienza, who refused to distribute condoms to his constituents in Manila; and worse, the Defensors, including the prodigal son who was farted out into existence by his dad. Watch out for the supporters of Villar, including the thugs, the brothers Remulla.

We’ve heard that the Lakas and Kampi are soon to merge as SQL (status quo league) but they are in limbo at the moment.

Following closely behind the LP, NP, and SQL is the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan with exactly two and a half members: the charming and compulsively bootlicking Imelda Marcos, and the spitting images of her asses, Oliver Lozano and Ely Pamatong, but I can’t tell you which of the latter is half-cocked. If Imelda manages to seduce Rick Abcede of the PCGG, the KBL will have two and three fourths.
Now for a bit of sexy news: the mother of Roxas asks her son, “Anong K mo if you don’t dump Korina?” She would rather have either Pinky Webb or Ara Mina.

Posted in analysis, breaking news, entertainment, politics, Roxas watch | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »