The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘politics’

What did Mr. Eisenberg want from Mrs. Clinton?

Posted by commiedyan on December 1, 2007

The most obvious answer is advice on how to overcome depression caused by marital troubles. The police handled the incident well and none of the hostages were harmed. Neither was Mr. Leeland Eisenberg.

Here’s the story from NYT.

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Posted in foreign affairs, police blather, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Forum: Sex, politics, and the Filipino

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

In this roundtable discussion, frequently asked questions (FAQs-in this case no one would fault you for pronouncing it fuck you) about Filipino sexuality, PTO commissioned Dolly Carvajal to discuss with Margie Holmes and Dr. Aidan No persistent myths about sexuality in the Philippines. The discussion was held in our backyard during lunch break over the weekend.

Dolly: Let me dispense with the easy questions first. Is masturbation immoral? Will you grow hair at the back of your hands? Will you go to hell?

Dr. No: No. Those beliefs were first popularized by Rep. Teddyboy Locsin in the nineties. He has long since clarified that he was only joking and that he was taunted by his granddad. Hell, no. Have you seen his hands?
Dolly: But the Vatican…

Dr. No: No. Just interview the laundrywomen in the Vatican…

Margie: It depends on your perception of hell.

Dr. No: No, Margie, think about this. If young boys and girls thought they’d go to hell by overdoing it, they’d overdo it even more, don’t you think?

Margie: I guess you’re right. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, politics, religion, science, special reports | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Suplico, Tamano, Roque reported missing

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

The wives of Rolex Suplico and Harry Roque have reported their spouses missing for more than three days. The girlfriends of Adel Tamano, on the other hand, have contacted TPO to inquire about the story we published more than a week ago. TPO is cooperating with the police. From accounts, we’ve learned that the three were supposed to have met with Prof. Joey Magpantay at the McDonalds branch in Philcoa last Friday. Mrs. Magpantay said Joey came home after waiting for an hour at the appointed place.

Posted in briefly noted, police blather, science | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

TPO exclusive: Streep, Hackman,MacLaine to join anti-GMA protest; to post cards from Makati (updated)

Posted by commiedyan on November 8, 2007

Meryl Streep, Gene Hackman, and Shirley MacLaine, along with former social welfare secretary Dinky Soliman arrived unannounced last night aboard a Vietnam Airlines flight from Phnom Penh, TPO has confirmed. The four will join leaders of the Black and White movement in the posting-cards-protest set for Friday in Makati.

TPO has also learned that postal employees, with the encouragement of Hector Villanueva, president of the Philippine Postal Corporation, which recently celebrated its centennial, would join the protest. Villanueva told us (sorry Hector but we never agreed to your request for anonymity) the protest demonstrates the continuing relevance of snail mail in the internet age. “I also can’t deny it’s a novel way of hectoring GMA,” he said over the phone.

Immigration agents are conducting a vigorous search for the three stars to serve them deportation orders hastily issued by the dictionally challenged immigration commissioner Marcelo Libanan upon orders of Malacanang, put on edge over the reports. We also learned that chief of staff Eduardo Ermita, in another indication that he is no longer in the good graces of GMA, has been tasked to count the postcards on arrival.

(Sorry guys but we can’t help you. All we can say is that from the airport, the four motored straight to the house of Manolo Quezon but left after an hour-long meeting to which not even Dolly Carvajal was invited).

Soliman, who is now based in Cambodia under a consultancy with the World Bank, had asked the stars to join her there for a few days en route to Manila.

TPO will be covering the event live via broadband services provided free by ZTE.

Update

We finally managed to reach Soliman, who told us the idea of inviting the leads of the movie that inspired Manolo came after bar-hopping in Phnom Penh, from The Heart of Darkness, to Apocalypse Now, and finally Happy Happy Pizza, where she came under some good influence. “I didn’t expect them to respond, but gosh…they all think Gloria is a clone of George W.” she added.

Meryl Streep has also e-mailed us: “She does look like the mother of The Manchurian Candidate.”

Posted in entertainment, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Abalos gave thumbs up to spurious contract before resigning

Posted by commiedyan on November 3, 2007

by hands up!

On the heels of the controversial appointment of Iligan judge Muselin Macarambon to a vacancy at the Commission on Elections, a new scandal is brewing over a contract resigned chair Benjamin Abalos allegedly signed with a Philippine biotechnology firm to minimize spurious voting.

Hardly had the ink on Macarambon’s appointment papers dried when whistleblowers at the Comelec started pointing fingers at Abalos and Comelec spokesperson James Jimenez over the $659M deal with Philippine Newt Technologies Inc. (PNT). I tried but failed to reach the other commissioners yesterday.

A copy of the contract was released by Jimenez after complaints of ‘flying voters’ started to pile up over the recent barangay or village elections, where voters complained that neighbors were able to vote more than once. Others complained of dead people voting. But Jimenez explained that the old technology employed, swabbing indelible ink on a voter’s nail to prevent her/him from voting more than once, just didn’t work. “The cheats always found a more potent solvent to wash the mark off,” he said. Further, law-abiding voters also complained that the method was unhygienic and more importantly, destroyed expensive manicures, he said.

The PNT system is much simpler, Jimenez said. Right after a voter slips a ballot into the box, his right forefinger is cut off with a knife and the wound cannot escape notice in another voting precinct, he said. Because of the injectible protein invented and produced by PNT, the finger would regenerate before the next election. Also, Jimenez said, the cut portions would also serve to validate results in recounts requested by losing candidates.

The bone of contention, according to one of the whistleblowers, however, was that there was no guarantee that the fingers would grow back in time. She said she was party to clinical trials which showed that about 1 in 20, as a rule of thumb, did not grow back the appendage after two weeks.

As of press time, Mr. Harry Tu Co, CEO of PNT had explained to us that election inspectors could be relied upon to distinguish a fresh wound from gangrene. He also dismissed as highly speculative fears that the wayward limbs would grow into their owners clones.

Posted in politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »