The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘security’

The investigation of citizens above suspicion

Posted by commiedyan on October 28, 2007

An undercover team of probers has finally published its report on the Glorietta blast.

They reviewed more than 200 hours of footage from CCTVs and listened to even more voluminous court-authorized wiretaps (post-blast). They interviewed hundreds of witnesses, mostly mall workers. They traced the whereabouts of the unlikely suspects. They interviewed waiters and servers for clues about the suspects’ diets in the past few months:

Re: subject A: In an Italian restaurant in Cubao. Ordered pizza and pasta. Waiters complained about sweet smell after guest left.

Re: subject B: Seen at the fresh produce section of Rustans Katipunan. Broccoli, assorted peppers, saffron, sweet potatos.

Re: subject C: espied at a tiangge eating sinigang sa misu and ten sticks of adidas.

Re: the week prior to blast. The footage showed the suspects entering mall, one by one, going down stairs into basement. Ten minutes each. All left in a huff.

The major finding:

Conspiracy to leave fecal matter and wind in basement . NSA bert gonzales, AFP cos H. Esperon, DILG secretary R. Puno, palace mouth Ignacio Bunye. Mr. and Mrs. Arroyo.

Respectfully submitted for appropriate action.

Sgd. J.L. Trintignant

Team leader

The full report was provided to Senator Trillanes by his moles in the team. That is why he wants a full-scale Senate investigation.

Note: The only audible words in the wiretaps remotely related to the blast from the conversations were: ‘farting is such sweet sorrow’.

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