The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Fates of Cebu judge, Filipino nation, hang on conundrum: how long is a ‘quickie’?

Posted by commiedyan on November 24, 2007

Most of us know what a split second is: the time lapse from the moment the traffic light turns green and when the asshole behind you honks the horn. But how long is a ‘quickie?’ The answer is crucial not only to a suspended Toledo city judge but to the country’s economic development as well.

Judge Gaudioso Villarin has been suspended by the supreme court for ‘gross ignorance of the law.’ According to a report in the Cebu Daily News, Supreme Court probe team confirms quickie annulments:

“The SC audit team confirmed that Villarin, who is due for retirement in May next year, was approving the marriage annulments with astonishing speed and taking shortcuts that violated court procedures. An annulment case that would normally take one year was approved in 34 days.”

So 34 days is a quickie? Judge Villarin recently read A Brief History of Time to find the answer, but to his disappointment, Stephen Hawking had evaded the issue. He didn’t know that when the physicist wrote the bestseller, his carnal pleasures were completely in the mind.

The question is relevant to hotblooded high school teens who ask: Is the 15-minute afternoon recess long enough? And does the real thing or true love require skipping algebra and history classes as well? Girls can fake an Ω but can boys fake an ε? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, congress, religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Forum: Sex, politics, and the Filipino

Posted by commiedyan on November 11, 2007

In this roundtable discussion, frequently asked questions (FAQs-in this case no one would fault you for pronouncing it fuck you) about Filipino sexuality, PTO commissioned Dolly Carvajal to discuss with Margie Holmes and Dr. Aidan No persistent myths about sexuality in the Philippines. The discussion was held in our backyard during lunch break over the weekend.

Dolly: Let me dispense with the easy questions first. Is masturbation immoral? Will you grow hair at the back of your hands? Will you go to hell?

Dr. No: No. Those beliefs were first popularized by Rep. Teddyboy Locsin in the nineties. He has long since clarified that he was only joking and that he was taunted by his granddad. Hell, no. Have you seen his hands?
Dolly: But the Vatican…

Dr. No: No. Just interview the laundrywomen in the Vatican…

Margie: It depends on your perception of hell.

Dr. No: No, Margie, think about this. If young boys and girls thought they’d go to hell by overdoing it, they’d overdo it even more, don’t you think?

Margie: I guess you’re right. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in analysis, politics, religion, science, special reports | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Reuse condoms, rebel priests urge Manila faithful

Posted by commiedyan on November 10, 2007

With black hoods over their heads, three priests objecting to official church policy and the refusal of Manila city hall to provide condoms and other contraceptives to public health clinics, urged parishioners to reuse condoms for more responsible parenthood. In a press conference in a chapel in Tondo, their spokesperson said, “In our experience condoms break or give you rashes only after the third use. Simply wash with soap and lukewarm water and hang to dry.”

Posted in briefly noted, religion | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »