The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Posts Tagged ‘Stephen Colbert’

Analysis: Nationalism is dead and so are you

Posted by commiedyan on November 18, 2007

by Inodoro Nila

First of all, let me say I am honored to be writing a weekly column for The Philippine Onion. I just love my opinions and want to share them through whatever medium. As you know, my doctor has banned spices from my diet. Let me be honest with you. I have hemorrhoids.

Second, let me say that I am the first and only one in the local press to have noticed that the bomb blast in the Batasan was the first attack on Congress ever. I wonder why no one else noticed. What I’m trying to say is this: I’m really bright. I am really bright, even when my thoughts come out of my ass.

During martial law, I was down under chasing kangaroos and doing that added to my resolve to help restore democracy. I may have come late but I did come after February 1986.

If the Senate had confirmed my appointment to Brussels, I would not be inflicting my opinion on you right now. They asked me what the job entailed. So what? I didn’t know at the time. But neither did Tiglao prior to his appointment to Athens. But let me be fair to Gloria. She did offer me diplomatic posts to Cebu City or Tagbilaran City. But what would I have done there? I don’t eat kalamay or tihi-tihi.

Now let me get to the heart of the matter: nationalism is dead. And so are you. That’s because globalization really globalizes us all around. That’s why Stephen Colbert is coming to town. He is a global person, after all.

What I mean to say is this. In the long run, we are all citizens of the world. Would you agree that that is a deep insight? I’m the first and only one to have noticed that.

Again, don’t be envious of my opinions. You’re just not bright enough.

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Stephen Colbert takes prez bid to new American heartland: the Philippines

Posted by commiedyan on November 17, 2007

With his campaign as an independent sputtering, US presidential candidate Stephen Colbert is taking bolder steps. He is due to arrive in Manila to take his case to one of the fastest growing voter bases in the USA.

To be on the ballot come November 2008, Colbert has to have at least 51% of potential electoral votes. Thus far, he has pledges only from California and New York city, less than a fourth of what’s required. With millions of Filipinos waiting for visas and green cards, they are Colbert’s hope for 2008 and beyond.

Jessica Zafra, campaign manager in Manila, told TPO Colbert will kick off his campaign with a book tour for Colbert’s I’m American, and So Can You, a subliminal invitation for illegal Filipino immigrants otherwise known as the explosive TNT (tago ng tago).

Zafra told us she first has to ensure the book would be classified under politics in Fully Booked and National Bookstore branches instead of comedy. She recalled that local book stores classified Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera under medicine years ago.

Jessica gained local fame after predicting Filipinos would some day come to dominate the USA and then the world. She has since been protesting to local fans that she never set a timetable.

Meanwhile, Ely Pamatong, local US statehood advocate, has been badmouthing Zafra to Colbert, saying a faster route would be to change the Philippine constitution under a new federal framework, with the support of Malacañang.

Read TPO’s analysis by Inodoro Nila on Monday.

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