“If you don’t love me again, I’ll kick your balls!”

by jaded viewer

It’s better to have loved me again and lost me again than never to have loved me and lost your balls. This is the moral of the Piolo Pascual-starrer “Love Me Again.”

I attended a matinee while bored as a cinema checker for ‘Concerto (Davao War Diary)’ in SM City Cebu earlier this month. I didn’t regret spending my whole day’s salary so I’m sharing my unbiased review.

First of all, the movie is a love story about animals. The leading man

(Pascual) is so in love with his cows that he breaks up with his girlfriend because she has to work in a ranch abroad to help pay for the management of her father’s health. While in the Australian outback she (Angel Locsin) falls for a kangaroo that has fallen for another cow. In the meantime Piolo falls in love with his horse.

In the end the hero comes to his senses and tries to woo back the pretty maiden. In an unusual twist, however, they ride into the sunset, and the hero falls from his horse and dies. (See suggested and more upbeat ending below).

‘Love Me Again” is further proof of ABS-CBN’s tendency to fool audiences with claims of expensive productions with locations abroad. For all the hoopla about shooting in Australia, all the shots of the ranch abroad are all narrow and shallow and could have been taken in Talamban in Cebu City. This suspicion is supported by another suspicion: the man that plays the Australian rancher who employs Locsin has an uncanny resemblance to an undernourished American missionary who hangs out in Kukuk’s nest in Lahug, also in Cebu City.

A few good words about the acting. If the producers hired Pascual to portray a clueless lover, they did well. He doesn’t even know how to kiss and the love scenes really are delightfully hilarious. Locsin is

pretty, and could have been prettier if she were a cow in real life.

Suggested ending. Angel asks Piolo to kneel so she could brand him with a cattle rod and forgive his idiocy. He refuses. They plant corn and all the cows and marsupials live happily ever after.

2008 fearless forecasts (1): Mar, Korina to wed with complicated strings attached

(With this we start a series of fearless forecasts for 2008, conclusions from a multi-disciplinary team of astrologists, card-readers, psychics, political scientists, economists, psychologists, physicists, astronomers, archaeologists, microbiologists whom we brought together in a series of Delphi sessions. As usual, we assert that the burden of proof lies with those who disagree with us).

The political consultants of Senator Mar Roxas have long concluded that his romantic involvement with Korina Sanchez is a winner with respect to his chances of bagging the presidency in 2001. For one, they say, it gives him mass appeal. For another, it ‘lays to rest’ doubts about his being a ‘real man.’ We don’t buy that crap, but our experts say the couple will wed late next year, but with a web of complicated strings contained in a prenuptial agreement.

In brief, the two major condition is: If the costs of feigning romance and intimacy outweigh the trappings of political power for Roxas and the influence to be derived by Sanchez, the two will embark on a ‘no-contest’ annulment, with each throwing the charge of psychological incapacity against the other. Our resident psychologist says the case should be a no brainer for the judge, since, she says, the marriage vows are irrefutable proof of psychological incapacity.

Why we spend mornings with ANC

But please Maria Ressa, tell us it’s not true

by Old Spice

Some viewers might wonder how the producers and hosts are able to squeeze so much news, opinion and infotainment in two and a half hours. I wonder too, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying Mornings at ANC.

First of all, the show starts with giggling, and then an enumeration of the headlines and then more giggling, then laughter, then more giggling. That’s the A-Team for us: Ricky Carandang, Marieton Pacheco, TJ Manotoc, and Gretchen Fullido, the giggliest and youngest of the four. We enjoy watching other people enjoy doing what they do best: telling us the sorry state of our nation’s affairs with a giggle. And believe me, the giggling is contagious and our neighbors have been wondering if we’re crazy like Miriam Santiago.

Secondly, the hosts of the show have a magic chemistry. They switch from one to the other to different subjects and giggle. Somehow viewers can’t help imagining the imaginable. Who of the four are ____? Who’s playing footsie with whom? Hey that’s none of our business.

What’s been bothering me are the sudden shifts in balance of the hosts on their

Gloria film gets ‘X’ for obscene nose

MTRCB censors gave an ‘X’ rating to “A Day in the Life of Gloria,” an animation film which shows President Arroyo’s nose growing after she says “I am sorry.” Artists cried ‘conspiracy’ Friday after the board also Xed another film, Mendiola. The two films were excluded from a short film festival called ‘Kontra-Agos’ because of the ratings.

ABS-CBN reported that MTRCB reviewer Mark Castrodes “dismissed the artists’ accusations as baseless conspiracy theories…the films were given an X-rating because they put government in a bad light. They should at least have covered her nose with a handkerchief, otherwise she would be seen as lying.”

Read the full report here:Repression or paranoia? Filmmakers cry foul over short films’ ‘X’ rating.

Oh yeah baby, what swell (political) parties we have

by Old Spice

The recent return from the dead of Philippine political parties has driven me to a fit of nostalgia, back to my Cole Porter songbook, specifically ‘What a swell party this is.” But sadly, nostalgia just isn’t what it used to be, according to the girlfriend and pen pal of Jean Paul Sartre, in her memoirs.

Mar Roxas has virtually announced his presidential bid in Pia Hontiveros’s Strictly Nonsensical, and Manny Villar has put his money where his future is: the Nacionalista Party. Villar’s claim to fame is his railroading of the Erap impeachment bid way back in 2000, and his tapping into the excess demand of the lower middle class for pigeon holes with Camella and Palmera Homes.

Roxas and Villar are courting the Erap vote. In the politics of addition, Roxas is even open to welcoming back into the fold the constipated Al Atienza, who refused to distribute condoms to his constituents in Manila; and worse, the Defensors, including the prodigal son who was farted out into existence by his dad. Watch out for the supporters of Villar, including the thugs, the brothers Remulla.

We’ve heard that the Lakas and Kampi are soon to merge as SQL (status quo league) but they are in limbo at the moment.

Following closely behind the LP, NP, and SQL is the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan with exactly two and a half members: the charming and compulsively bootlicking Imelda Marcos, and the spitting images of her asses, Oliver Lozano and Ely Pamatong, but I can’t tell you which of the latter is half-cocked. If Imelda manages to seduce Rick Abcede of the PCGG, the KBL will have two and three fourths.
Now for a bit of sexy news: the mother of Roxas asks her son, “Anong K mo if you don’t dump Korina?” She would rather have either Pinky Webb or Ara Mina.

Weather bulletin: Mina to skirt Metro Manila

“I’ll be away from Manila for some time to attend to family and business affairs in the United States,” sexy star Ara Mina told TPO in an interview at her pasta joint on Maginhawa st., UP Village at dawn today.

She would neither confirm nor deny her alleged stormy affair with Manny Pacquiao, who has claimed the rumors were spread to spark interest in their latest movie.

Meanwhile, the latest bulletin from the weather bureau quoted by the perpetually giggling Gretchen Fullido said the Bicol region is already being inundated by typhoon Mina, to be welcomed this afternoon by Albay governor Joey Salceda. Anthony Golez of the national disaster coordinating council was also quoted as saying they had completed the evacuation of two million Bicolanos to Metro Manila.

Sam and Paulo don’t clap their hands

And that’s because they’re not happy and they know it. What’s with these guys? The TPO driver and joker says he’s convinced they’re gay and is disgusted they have to make a show about suing Lolit Solit.

Hey guys, wake up! Half of the TPO staff are gay and the other half don’t know what they don’t know. So what’s you’re problem? You have the clap?

Forum: Sex, politics, and the Filipino (2)

In the second of our series Dolly continues the discussion with Dr. Aidan No and Margie Holmes. Our FAQ may also be read as fuck you, but that depends on you.

Dolly: In our last session we were about to go to sex and Philippine politics…

Margie: Yes..

Dr. No.: No. But go ahead.

Dolly: Is Abalos really an imp..tn bastard?

TPO exclusive: Streep, Hackman,MacLaine to join anti-GMA protest; to post cards from Makati (updated)

Meryl Streep, Gene Hackman, and Shirley MacLaine, along with former social welfare secretary Dinky Soliman arrived unannounced last night aboard a Vietnam Airlines flight from Phnom Penh, TPO has confirmed. The four will join leaders of the Black and White movement in the posting-cards-protest set for Friday in Makati.

TPO has also learned that postal employees, with the encouragement of Hector Villanueva, president of the Philippine Postal Corporation, which recently celebrated its centennial, would join the protest. Villanueva told us (sorry Hector but we never agreed to your request for anonymity) the protest demonstrates the continuing relevance of snail mail in the internet age. “I also can’t deny it’s a novel way of hectoring GMA,” he said over the phone.

Immigration agents are conducting a vigorous search for the three stars to serve them deportation orders hastily issued by the dictionally challenged immigration commissioner Marcelo Libanan upon orders of Malacanang, put on edge over the reports. We also learned that chief of staff Eduardo Ermita, in another indication that he is no longer in the good graces of GMA, has been tasked to count the postcards on arrival.

(Sorry guys but we can’t help you. All we can say is that from the airport, the four motored straight to the house of Manolo Quezon but left after an hour-long meeting to which not even Dolly Carvajal was invited).

Soliman, who is now based in Cambodia under a consultancy with the World Bank, had asked the stars to join her there for a few days en route to Manila.

TPO will be covering the event live via broadband services provided free by ZTE.

Update

We finally managed to reach Soliman, who told us the idea of inviting the leads of the movie that inspired Manolo came after bar-hopping in Phnom Penh, from The Heart of Darkness, to Apocalypse Now, and finally Happy Happy Pizza, where she came under some good influence. “I didn’t expect them to respond, but gosh…they all think Gloria is a clone of George W.” she added.

Meryl Streep has also e-mailed us: “She does look like the mother of The Manchurian Candidate.”

Edu Manzano chased away by Davide supporters

by Mon Tofu

Had the head of the Optical Media Board (OMB) not kept his cool, blood could have been shed on the sidewalk in front of Santi’s Deli on Timog avenue last night. Edu Manzano, known for his abrasiveness and short temper, had just come out of Santi’s when a crowd of dvd-mongers milled around him, murmuring “Davide, Davide, Davide.” But one of them recognized the OMB chief enforcer and warned his compatriots. They suddenly started chanting “Him pits j i m m y! J i m m y! Him pits J i m m y!”

At this point, according to witnesses, Manzano, who was with an unnamed woman in pink, appeared totally clueless. When he finally understood the situation, he gathered his wits and shopping bags, asked his companion to get into the SUV, made a face, and drove off.

The mongers use a diner beside the deli, whose customers they eye as patrons, as their base. Outside, you’d just see them carrying sheafs of dvd covers to hawk their wares.

Times are hard, one of the mongers told TPO. Prices have been slashed by 30% because of low demand. They say they are just eking out a living in Manila after escaping the violence in Mindanao. But they have to play hide and seek with the enforcers all the time.

Santi’s is just over a kilometer away from the studios of ABS-CBN, where Manzano appears in an early morning show.

As of presstime, Manzano had not reported the incident to police.