The Philippine Onion

Lies and half-truths shall set you free

Archive for November 21st, 2007

Repent and prepare…

Posted by commiedyan on November 21, 2007

Onionista

If the rains don’t stop, I might start heeding the strange voices I’ve been hearing. The neighborhood’s getting flooded, at a time when Manila Water and its contractors are digging up the roads to expand the sewer system.

I don’t understand the way they work. They dig, they leave, and come back weeks later. Reminds me of a labor song which goes “Drill ye tarriers drill…” “Slow men at work,” the signs say.

Anyway, there’s another storm on the horizon. That is to say, it will soon be in the PAR or Philippine Area of Responsibility, as Gretchen Fullido and Caroline Howard would say. I wonder how our weathermen thought that up. Can they really take full responsibility and thus be open to liability suits? (Rep. Tomoy, what say you?)

I’ve been hearing these voices telling me to repent and prepare. Gather paper and wood and your sex toys for soon comeuppance will be upon you. “Onionista, pick a sample each of all species, of all permutations of political persuasion and gender, and guide them into the boat you will build.” “Leftists, fore, portside; Rightists, starboard, aft; gays and lesbians, to the engine room!””The rest, gangplank!”

As you might already know, I’m skeptical of strange voices, especially because they come when I’m cleaning my ears with Johnson’s cotton buds after my monthly bath. But I’m beginning to change my mind. Just the other day, I was listening to radio and Tina Monson Palma was discussing the subject with her authoritative guests. Read the rest of this entry »

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Rats ask Manila dads to clarify city zoning

Posted by commiedyan on November 21, 2007

Rats in barangay 734 in Manila have asked the city council to clarify its zoning rules, complaining that people have intruded into their turf in droves in the past few years. We were here first, yet they (people) have the temerity to complain to the press.

Yesterday, ABS-CBN quoted ‘people’ as saying “black rats, some of which are big as small cats, can be seen roaming the streets of Barangay 734 on Osmeña Highway, rummaging through household items and unmindful of residents.”

“Drat,” said Atty Orat, counsel for the Manila rats, “these people must be fornicating like there’s no tomorrow. Haven’t they heard of contraception?”

Read the rest of this entry »

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